Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

[IHeartJohnLewis]

I did. No salary on earth would make me go back. Being a SAHM is the best thing I've ever done (and I do it in the laissez-faire kind of way, not in the 'multiple extra-curricular activities', time-filling way). I thoroughly recommend it.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

When they are babies until school expensive childcare is just something which you have to prepare for. I used to just work to pay the bills and childminder - I had zero left over.

But, essentially, it is a short term thing. You are keeping your end in at work, and when your dc goes to school you can up the ante career wise.

If you take time out completely you may never get back in at that level and may have to get used to a completely lower salary for keeps. I don't know what job you do - but I could not under any circumstance take a couple of years out. I would never get back in.

Could you work 2-3 days a week, and your dh work 4, to reduce childcare to 1 or 2 days a week?

[hambo]

I did it, and gave up similar /upwards of your salary. I have never regretted it, even for one day. I have given up some material things but really I don't need much now I am at home!! Sometimes the DC's drive me insane....but less so than commuting/working in a suit/missing children all day.

A good day in the office is worse than a bad day at home!!!

[diggingintheribs]

How old is your baby?

Is there any chance of going back part time?

When I had my first I was adamant I wouldn't go back but I kept my options open and after 12 months I went back part time. I told dh it was just for a month and then I would quit! Still there 2.5 years later and just gone on maternity leave. And I'm adamant I won't go back!!!

The thing is - going back is easier than you think and it gives you so many more options for when the kids are older. DS is 3.5 and loves his nursery and gets so much out of it. If I had given up work my career would have basically been over.

It is such a huge decision though and your income drop has to be a consideration. But at the end of the day only you can decide!!

[moondog]

You ae nuts and will regret it.Guaranteed.

[expatinscotland]

What GetOrf said.

Honestly, your pension, possibly school fees if it doesn't work out with your child's school, university fees, lessons, etc.

The upcoming cuts are really going to hurt partnered-couples on salaries like your DHs.

Really, you need to think about this.

Nannies, your DH staying home, working 4 days/week, etc.

You're in a very very very enviable position.

[nearlytoolate]

I think only you can know in your heart of hearts what you really want. The only thing that rings alarm bells for me is that your dh is really keen because he doesn't like the idea of childcare. not so keen he wants to do it himself though??
That would make me wonder whether, if you find that you do have reservations, he will not be supportive, and consequently you might not want to admit to yourself and him if you find that being with your dcs all the time and having no other identity, not to mention any independent earning power, start to make you feel trapped.
Childcare is not the work of the devil, by any means. Of course parental care is irreplacebale, but children and thrive and indeed benefit from having care from others as well.

[nearlytoolate]

Children 'can' thrive, sorry. not a particularly coherent post

[EightiesChick]

Just want to go back to my question (which others have also asked)about the security of your DH's job. It is a hostile economic climate right now and however the prospect of dropping from 90K to 30K might seem, dropping from that to zero is a different matter altogether - this is why it might be better to take it as a career break if you could, so that if the worst happened you could at least go back into a job you really like, with your DH able to stay home, rather than you both/either of you having to look around for something new.

[MistyB]

I quit London and a well paid job that I loved to live on DH's lower salary. The first year was OK as we lived on the spoils of our higher income, year two was a bit of a shock as there never seemed to be enough money and I thought that I didn't move all this way to sit in my house and be "poor". Things have got better now, a couple of payrises in, I'm better at questioning all of our spending and at spending less / spending better!!

Having said all that, I love being a SAHM, I love being there for my children and I love my life. I'm really pleased we have the life we do now and am really glad I walked away from my job. I feel really lucky to have been able to make the choice I have.

I have no idea when / if I will ever go back to work as I can't see where the trade off would make sense for me and my children, though I'm quite sure my perspective will change as my children get older.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

OP - you have choice now. If you give up your job your choices will be very much reduced in the future.

Seriously if you change your mind about staying at home, or suddenly find out you need some more money pronto, you may not be able to go back to work if you leave without a backward glance now.

Sorry to sound doom laden but I know plenty of people who would love to get back to work at any level in engineering, but having been away from the cutting edge, they have no hope in getting back in at the level they were at previously, and have to do something dim and less paid.

Just be careful, and don't burn any bridges.

Like expat said, you are in a very fortunate position, and you have probably worked your socks off to get where you are now. Don't throw it away.

[grumblegrumble]

How old is you child? I felt like I could never, ever bear to leave mine, early on, but later I was more content to work part-time. And the financial cost of childcare is sometimes worth bearing in order to keep your career ticking over, so that when you get gov't help with childcare (15 hours a week when they're 3, 9-3 when they are at school) you have your extra income for the rest of their childhood. And remember, children get more expensive as they get older, not less.

And for you - I know many professional women who struggle to give up work completely, myself included. So for the short term, you might be OK - I wasn't. I was climbing the walls after 2 years as a SAHM! But in 3 years, when your child is at pre-school or school, and you are at home, alone, and money is tight (so you don't have ready access to leisure activities, like the gym, odd lunch out etc) you may regret having given up work.

So try to think long term before you make your decision.

[LoveAndSqualor]

I think you're being a little short-sighted, to be completely honest. Children are young for such a short period of time. Then - what? What if you can't get a job you love again? Would you be happy to subsist on your DH's income forever? I think it's SO important to think about the longterm now, because it'll come around sooner than you know it.

And, full disclosure - am a WOHM, also a single parent, of DS, who is 2.4. In a job I LOVE. I think splitting up with DS's father, when he (my exP, not DS) was 6mo, would have been a) impossible and b) so SO horrendous if I hadn't had a whole other, fantastic, facet to my life, that it doesn't bear thinking about.

So anyway ... just, please, consider your position in the future, as well as now. Who cares if you only clear £300 for a couple of years? That's £30k + £3k + your future security, fulfillment and happiness.

[funnysinthegarden]

tis so refreshing to read a thread full of like minded people. Those who see a woman's career as very worthwhile. On so many threads there is this attitude that if you choose you work then you are a Bad Mother.

On the contrary, personally I will be a better mother with the added factor of work in my life.

Thanks you folks for being so sensible.

And OP, please if you want to, do try it. You may be a born SAHM. And if you are I take my hat off to you. It's a very hard job indeed.

[blueshoes]

Keep your hand in. Try a sabbatical or pt, as a trial.

If you don't, you are very likely going to be burning your bridges, especially in this economy. You might think SAHM is for you - don't underestimate how much you might hate it after a while.

Last thing you want to be is trapped and skint.

[violethill]

Agree that you need to think very carefully about this. It's a hell of a lot to give up, and although no doubt you would manage in the short term, that doesn't mean it's going to be manageable or desirable longer term to have given up your career. It's not just a money issue (although again, I think there's a world of difference between coping on a lower income for the short term, and coping long term). It's all the other aspects of working - it's the choices it opens up in the long term which are most valuable. I would personally also worry a lot about having no pension provision for myself. Would you really be comfortable just living on the basic state pension in future, with only a very small pension pot from your previous job?

There is no right or wrong here, but I would think very carefully; also, don't dismiss 'childcare' as something undesirable.Childcare covers a whole range of options, and can be for a few hours a week upwards. Keeping your hand in with your working life doesn't have to involve handing your child over for the week! At some point (and it comes round fast!) you would presumably want your child to be going to toddler groups/nursery/and then school, so it's not like they are at home with one parent their whole childhood anyway - that would be very unhealthy.

If you are absolutely adamant (and your DH agrees) that the right thing for your family is for you to give up and for him to be sole earner, then you need to have confidence in your decision and ignore what anyone else says. But I think there's a lot to think about here, and you need to be aware that giving up work entirely will limit your choices.

[abdnhiker]

I'm surprised how vehement everyone is that the OP needs to stay working in case her DH hits redundancy. I had to quit my decently paid professional job (research scientist) when DS1 was being bullied in nursery and I didn't clear enough to afford a nanny and we now live on DH's income. Yes, it is stressful for my DH to be a sole wage earner. Yes, I've had moments of panic about my career and I'm trying to pick up freelance work right now. But my boys are so much happier and it has worked for us.

Also, I tried dropping to part time but then I just felt like I wasn't doing anything right - high achieving jobs are often not suited to part time work and at least now I know that I'm able to commit to the family and my DH is able to commit to his job (he travels) without the stress of balancing things. His job is probably that much more secure now that he has less commitments for nursery pick up etc.

I'm not saying the OP should quit work, but it is a decision with pluses and minuses on all sides and as much as I miss work, I'm very happy with my choice when I see how well my boys are thriving. I know we'll suffer financially for our entire lives - but I also know there's a big difference from want to need and we should always have our needs met.

[maggotts]

Do what feels right for you - ignore anything that anyone else says as it is your life and your choice.

Some people love their jobs above all and giving up would not feel right for them. Doesn't mean it isn't right for you.

I have had several career changes, not all due to children but did give up one high paid city job after DD1 as it didn't feel right for me being out from early till late with DD1 with a nanny. Had a few years doing flexible work (some lecturing etc) and now running own business as still gives felxibility for DDs (13 and 9) - they do still keep needing you past babyhood.

This was just right for me but maybe not anyone else!

[megonthemoon]

It's interesting how many women on here have mentioned or are now pursuing alternatives to quitting completely - sabbatical, part time, freelance etc.

I read a really interesting article in (I think) the Sunday Telegraph a few weeks ago. They interviewed women who had decent careers but had then chosen to be SAHM for at least some period of time while their children were little and then gone back to their careers. They ranged in age from 30+ to 50+. All of them without fail said that things like part time, freelance, training, networking etc. while they were at home made all the difference to their prospects of getting a job when they finally decided they wanted to return. And now several years after returning from being SAHM they are all starting to thrive again in their careers - but I don't think any of them thought walking away completely would have helped them pick up again so quickly.

So OP if you do decide to be a SAHM, then do try to think about the long term too and keep up your contacts, try freelancing for short periods etc. as that then could make the difference for you.

FWIW I'm about to go on mat leave with DC2, and have a somewhat similar situation. We have moved to a new area so my commute is much bigger and I'm not 100% sure if I want to return to my job, however wonderful, with 2 young DCs and that long commute, plus DH is doing amazingly well in his career now so money is less of an issue than it was. So while my intention is still to return, I am making plans for other things in case I change my mind - taking an OU course while on mat leave to start some training in Stats which will be useful for my career prospects, exploring freelancing options, thinking about taking a career break, exploring alternative roles in companies closer to home etc. So although I will be a SAHM for a year and maybe a bit longer if I take parental leave of quit, so my family will benefit, I'm very much not labelling myself a SAHM as such - I will be exploring alternative career options while having a bit more time with my family. That doesn't condense down into an acronym as easily as SAHM or WOHM does it?

This is such an interesting discussion, and as funnys said, so refreshing to read lots of women taking a balanced view from both sides and not one person yet saying being a mum with career is wrong!

[GiraffeYoga]

OP
Its good you are set in your decision and are happy with it. Not sure why you posted here if you are so happy with the decision.

ou should do definately what you think is right for you however there are lots of interesting and helpful comments on this thread that are worth some thought.

The thing that comes out from your post is that I think that you are still in world of maternity leave (I think- sorry if I missed how old your child is) going back to work is huge upheaval that a lot of people would want to avoid. However- without trying it how do you know its what you want- for sure?

Not wanting to go back/ leave child in day care is very common. There are a number of threads in this section (and I probably started one myself last year) about ladies not wanting to go back/cant face leaving DC - as thats a natural response I think- the simpler solution is to stay at home- less stress/ guilt/ pressure etc (although harder in the long term for sure). Espeically when maternity leave is a bit like a long holiday so a novelty. But long term being a SAHM is huge commitment.

Im not articulating myself well here but what Im saying in your shoes I'd go back for 3 months and see how it goes. Then make a decision. That way less bridges burnt and you can really see how it works out.

I am/ was in the same situation but the opposite- I went back to work full time in January. Me giving up my job or even droppping to 3 days/wk would mean us moving to a tiny flat and changing our lifestyle completely. None of which is bad but it wasnt the choice we wanted for our family.

I dreaded going back, didnt want to leave DD in childcare, had regular meltdowns about it. But I did, I got through it and found that while there are huge pressures being at being work, being "me" again is the best bit. Im not just someone's mum.

I'd happily drop to part time now and most of the time Im sucking lemons that I have to work full time but I know I couldnt be full time at home.

I've waffled on but hopefully you get what Im trying to say.

Good luck with your decision and being at home.

[babysplotface]

I have realised recently that the main thing keeping me working full-time is my pension.

I feel like my trade-off is:
*not being able to be the parent I would like to be for the 5 years that my children are pre-school age (that is, at home more)BUT
*being able to be the parent I would like to be to them for the 30 or so years when they are 30 to 60 and I am 60 to 90ish (that is, not relying on them for my old age care and pension and also hopefully giving them a leg up in the world)

5 years vs 30 years = no contest for me.

This realisation stems from the fact that my parents are now in their 60s and their health is deteriorating but they are not even both retired and have to work hard as carers to my grandmother and also have to keep an eye on my (unpleasant) great aunt and they are still trying to sell my great uncle's house as executors of his will (he left all to charity).

Moomo I wouldn't do it and as you say you love your job I do think you are mad not even to try going PT or employing a nanny before you make this decision. I understand that you worry about childcare but our experience has been that there are plenty of very good, kind and caring nursery nurses etc.

[OooohWhatIfItHurts]

Have you seen this blog? Is there a Plan B - which charts the decision making process and daily life of someone who gave up being a City lawyer to be a SAHM to her three daughters. Fascinating funny reading.

[ssd]

moomo, I gave up my job to look after the kid(s)

you won't regret it but you will miss the money

to me it felt like there wasn't a choice......

I/We have had to compromise with just about everything since, eg. lifestyle/holidays/clothes/car etc etc.

but the one thing I won't compromise about is/was leaving my kids in childcare all day,and all of the school holidays, it just isn't part of the way we want to raise our kids

good luck!

[MrClaypole]

I decided my £60k job wasn't compatible with our family life after having DS. I loved the job, but the hours were more than just 9-5 and I wanted to spend more time with DS.

I did a "Right to request flexible working" application and went back 3 days a week on a jobshare basis. I'm so glad I did this rather than resigning as despite thinking I wanted to be a SAHM for ever, I realised after a few weeks back at work that I did like work and valued my career. I just needed a better balance between work and family life.

AS other posters have said, you may be well into being a SAHM now, but you may change your mind when your baby is older, so part time work may be a way of keeping your hand in. You need to find good childcare though - have you looked at any nurseries/ nannies? If you are part time a nanny share can work well?

I took voluntary redundancy and got a professional qualification which has opened up more types of work to me so now I'm in a new 9-5 job 3 days a week which works brilliantly for us as a family.

[Butterbur]

How would you feel if you could never get back to your career?

This is what happened to me. One baby quickly became two, two became three. Then I'd spent 7 years out of the workplace, and no-one wanted me.

It's 16 years now since I last did the job I loved, and was brilliant at. I have done stuff, but nothing as well-paid, or enjoyable as what I left.

This is my biggest regret, and the one thing I would change if I could go back. It wouldn't have been easy especially when the mummy hormones were rushing, but I am not in a good place now as a reluctant SAHM of teenagers.