Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

[MathildaF]

Good for you! These years won't come back. You can get another job in a couple of years time - you've plenty of working years ahead of you! Worth cutting your cloth a bit now to enjoy your little one. Well done.
I see this thread is quite old - would love to know how you're getting on?

[duplotogo]

EvieBear what gets easier with time is seeing your children happy in childcare and having the sleep situation settle down so you are not going to work absolutely knackered. I appreciate other parents have children who must sleep better than mine - my DC up the night waking on the least change in circumstances even when I am home FT!

[gettingabitnervousnow]

I did this and everyone thought I was mad, but I have no regrets. Having said that the big difference is that although my salary was about the same, I never particularly enjoyed my job so it a much easier decision. Not sure what I would have done in your shoes....

Good luck with whatever you decide x

[drosophila]

I didn't give up but went Part time. DP did lose his job and we try to live on my reduced salary. I hav enot been able to increase my hours.

Be careful

[EvieBear]

I am loving this thread - it is so interesting to read!

One can understand all aspects of the stay at home versus work debate really, and that's what makes it so hard. Whatever I do, I feel guilty.

I work full time, and find it stressful, tiring but also rewarding and I enjoy getting my pay check at the end of the month. It takes the pressure off DH too which is nice. I would love to go PT but my company won't allow it and I would rather stay with them until I have DC2 as, if I found a PT role, I would probably not get maternity leave allowance etc...

Although I am working FT, I would love to work PT as I really miss having fun and doing things with my DD and I'm sure she misses me too.

I don't understand when people say 'don't worry, it gets easier with time...' to me this means that you are doing it against your will, and would rather be with your child. It goes against nature.

I am interested to see the effects full time nursery will have on our children too, as it is really the first generation of proper nursery-goers... Previously it was neighbours, family etc who looked after the odd child who had two parents working.

Anyway good luck to all, it's not easy! And please don't judge others by your own standards.........

[SalFresco]

I have skim read most pages, am interested as I am due to go back to work soon!

I went back to work part time when DS1 was 8 months old. As we were preparing for me to go back, we looked at childcare. I had this weird idea in my head that I didn't want to use a childminder, until I started visiting nurseries. There are three in our immediate vicinity and we both hated them all. I literally felt I could not leave DS1 there. (I am not criticising nurseries per se, btw, just these ones!!)

I started panicking and thinking that I would not be able to return to work - and we would have been living on a shoestring. I then started looking at childminders, found a lovely one, and immediately felt very different - seeing DS1 crawling round on the kitchen floor, being part of a family, made so much difference. 4 years later, he has just returned there after my second maternity leave, and is so happy he doesn't want to leave at the end of the day! Ds2 has settled quickly too. "Childcare" is a very broad term and finding the right type can make a massive difference.

Also, I completely understand how wrenching it is to leave your small baby, but I assure you it is MUCH harder to have to say you can't attend a school event, or that you won't be taking them to certain after-school clubs, activities, you won't be there for tea that day etc - I think many people think it will be so much easier to leave an older child but it isn't, and if they are used to a structure where you work, and they are settled and happy with carers, it makes things much easier, rather than having had you constantly available, and then adding you returning to work to them starting school, starting childcare and so on. Also, if you have been working for longer, it is easier to get work to be flexible so that you can be there for school plays, sports days, and all the millions of other events that you will feel massively guilty if you don't attend...!

For us, my working is the only way we can hope to save up enough to move on from our tiny HA flat, so we are very much thinking long term too.

Good luck with your decision

[Moomo]

I'm still here and reading with interest. Thanks for your posts everyone - lots to think about!

[Highlander]

oh, I definitely have a few people lined up as a potential share........

[abdnhiker]

foureleven - your mum would be undercharging around here by a long shot. It's about £10-12 an hour which is at least £400/week.

Highlander - it makes a huge difference if your DH can cover one of the days! We're unable to do that and it turned out to be the breaking point...

[Highlander]

my friend says it costs her 1000k/month for a 3 day/week nanny. We could do that, as DH can pick up on the 4th day.

TBH, we would just have to find the extra money, as it is DH's hours that are a nightmare and I really don't see why I should be shouldering the stress of work and worrying about making it to after school club/sorting out school holidaycare etc etc. nanny I think is easiest option.

[foureleven]

If it helps my mum was a nanny to 3 boys from 8 - 7 Mon-Fri and she got paid £250 per week.

[abdnhiker]

Highlander at an hourly rate of £11/hour, I figured out that I'd need a salary of £34K a year to pay a nanny. Remember that you need to pay the employers NI contributions too!

And unless nannies are cheap where you are, I can't see you managing it on 25K. I was on 29K, going up to 31K, when I left work and after petrol (10mile commute) I wasn't going to have enough for a nanny (we called around and asked about wages).

[Highlander]

are we still going here? Could I have advice?

I'm hoping to go back to work FT when DS2 goes to school in 2012. From Sept, I'm hoping to work for free (2hrs/day while DS2 is at pre-school) to re-skill.

I really can't bear the thought of holiday clubs and I would like to employ a nanny.

1. Is it worth finding another mum to share? i.e. the nanny takes 4 children to school, picks them afterwards, but has to look after them all during the holidays.

1. On my salary of 23-25k (would go up a lot after 3 years)could I employ a nanny FT just for us. On another thread, someone implied I would have to make 50k to clear anything after the nanny's salary.

[blueshoes]

So true, ladybiscuit.

That is the reason why my mother was so adamant that although she was a SAHM that we were not to follow in her footsteps. There were periods when we were growing up she was very unhappy in her marriage but she could not do anything about it without jeopardising the comfort of her dcs' life.

I see being self-supporting as a duty I owe to my dcs tbh, not to ever box myself in a less than ideal partner where I had to lump it.

It does not quite pull at the heartstrings so much to say it, but my working is very much done in my dcs' interests as well. Together with their financial security especially with the prospect of crippling uni tuition fees/debt.

[foureleven]

Quite lady biscuit, Im with you on that one!

[LadyBiscuit]

TMM - my mother wanted to leave but didn't have the money nor the means to go I think that's one of the reasons I am so fiercely independent - I would never want to be in that situation, nor would I want a child of mine to be.

[susie100]

Where has the OP gone?

My mother is exactly the same, almost made me promise not to give up my career, she regrets it hugely and quite frankly we would all have had an easier life if she had not been a frustrated career woman at home.

Dad earnt well, she gave up work and then he had to take a much lower paid job. It was tough and a real struggle.

OP if you LOVE your job you are very fortunate indeed and that alone would be enough to get me to go back to work. The fact you earn double what your dh does makes it a bit of a no brainer frankly

[TheMysticMasseuse]

foureleven, the second part of your point B is crucial.

it's not just about your husband leaving you, it's about having the option of leaving him if you want to/need to.

Just ask the millions of women worldwide who are trapped in loveless/abusive marriages, and their dcs.

[foureleven]

agreed nooka. If you married and had a child at 18 then you'll only be 34 when it leaves school (eek, my age) and what would you do for the remaining years of your life...? I dont think employers are screaming out for 34 year olds with no work experience at the moment!

So you'd have to rely on your husband to
A, not lose his job
B, Not leave you (or become a bit of a git so you'd want to leave him)
C, not become ill.

Plus he'd have to earn a pretty decent whack in order for you to have enough money to actually do stuff for the remaining 30 years until he retired and you had someone else at home with you..

[nooka]

I'd be incredibly worried if my dd never had a real job and instead chose to get married and have babies very young. Or my son for that matter. I think that would really limit your life choices, and having myself settled with my dh very young (we started living together at university) I think it ha significant drawbacks. I get the argument about having children when your energy levels and fertility are high, but then trying to get a good interesting job with no experience of working I would have thought would be extremely difficult. Plus it's pretty much jumping straight from full time education to parenthood, with very little time to finish growing up and your twenties are a good time for having a good time.

[daftpunk]

No, it's never black or white... and there's never a right or wrong answer...

[TheMysticMasseuse]

yes it's definitely a security thing dp, not debating that. I can see that my dcs are happier/more secure with me at home.

but let me tell you, it isn't very nice, as an adult (but i remember feeling like this as a teenager too) to feel somewhat responsible for the regrets and lack of fulfillment of a person you love so much as your own mother.

Of course she gave up work willingly, and she has never made us feel responsible for her choices (far from it). I still wish she'd maintained some kind of professional identity, she'd be happier now, she'd have been happier for many, many years, and that would make me happy too.

it's never black or white though, really. you are sitll very present in your children's lives even if you are at work 9 hours a day. conversely, you can be absent from their lives even if you are at home all the time.

And money is very important for children's security too. i know it's not pc or middle class or whatever to admit it, but as that harrowing "secret poor" thread shows, so many families are living in conditions of incredibly stress and it could happen to all of us. i wouldn't give up 2/3 of my family's income lightly, even accounting for chidlcare etc.

[daftpunk]

Don't you think though TMM, it's good for the children to have you there..even if you are on mumsnet/facebook/whatever....it's a security thing....I'm not sure how I would have taken it if I found out my mother returned to work because she found it so much more exciting/fulfilling than being at home with me...

[TheMysticMasseuse]

Also thinking about this some more... most people focused on the 60k a year element of yur op (and tbh, the more i think about it the more i think you'd be a bit reckless to give up so much income in such an economic climate), but the "that I love" part is equally important.

In my experience combinging work with children is hard work, but if you happen to like your job, you get so much out of it in terms of energy and fulfillment, and are, as a result, a much better person and parent.

I have never felt more listless and lazy as in these last 6 months as a SAHM. I used to get far more done than i do now when i worked part-time. Don;t get me wrong- I love spending tine my dds and I lvoe being able to do things for my dh which i wouldn't normally do (such as cook a special curry etc) if i was working. but i end up spending so much time on MN or similar that tbh i don't think i am that much more "present" than when i was at work.

[blueshoes]

Mystic, my mother was also a SAHM when my siblings and I were growing up.

There is no one more passionate than her about us (esp her daughters) not giving up work and not being financially dependent on a partner. So similarities with your mother.

Watching her, yes it made for an easier life all round (particularly for her after the children have started school), but I personally have reservations whether the medium to long term trade off is worth it.