Signed off for a year

[ohjustleaveit]

I don’t quite know where this should go. But will try here. We were a bit blindsided when husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a couple of months ago. We are both in our forties, have young children.

Life has become extremely difficult and I no longer feel able to cope at work. I don’t see how I can go back while this situation is ongoing. I am looking for advice really from anyone who has been through similar, has been signed off for a long period and then gone back, how easy is it? I did have twelve months off for maternity leave but that was very different for obvious reasons.

If you have a h ion they may be able to help with finances too as they have hardship funds that can be used for mortgage payments etc x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Please ignore the first poster, what a disgusting, unsympathetic response @HermioneWeasleyI sincerely hope you’re not in any type of managerial position. My dad was diagnosed with throat cancer last year (originally thought to be lung) my mum had 8 weeks signed off work due to stress, the company paid her full salary during this time. I remember her saying she read in her contract that they paid up until 6 months (I think). If you feel it necessary, definitely do it, I don’t know how you’d be able to focus on your work whilst going through this so I hope you have a sympathetic manager who can understand what you’re going through.

No help with the question, just sending a virtual hug and support x

Hi op sorry your going through this I think the fact your not coping you should get signed off don’t think of it as a year do it monthly you have to be there for the kids and dh so the best option is for you to have time off. Hope his treatment works.

Gosh I’m so so sorry OP. What a terrible thing to have to face, and with such young children. I do know someone who was signed off for 3 months from work but it was for PTSD, so a bit different to your circumstances but in either case, it was recommended by the GP so I would perhaps speak to your GP and ask what their procedure would be for recommended sign off. Anyone not responding with kindness on this thread should be ashamed.

Sadly this isn't always the case and I would suggest being prepared for your employer being unsupportive at some point is wise.

I was a carer for my dad when he was put on end of life 10 days into the first Covid lockdown. I was working from home at the time but employer insisted on my going back in even though I was trying to shield to care for him and there was no practical need for me to be physically at school.

I went back after the summer holidays and made it through until half term when I was signed off with stress. Despite knowing what I'd bee going through and the fact that I'd been referred to mental health services for suicidal ideation during the holidays, I was called in on absence procedures within three days of submitting my sick note.

The meeting took place a couple
of weeks later and they offered me the rest of the academic year on unpaid sabbatical and said to think about before the next stage of absence procedures. During that time I received a letter which basically inferred that if I didn't take the unpaid sabbatical, I would be managed out.

On paper I was entitled to 6 months full pay and 6 months at 50%, but obviously wasn't in a position to fight my corner.

I took the unpaid sabbatical, went back at the start of the next academic year after my dad had died. I was basically demoted to office junior in all but name as my responsibilities had all been handed to the person who'd been brought in to cover me.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this and hope your employer is brilliant, but it does no harm to be prepared for an alternative outcome.

In the meantime, just get signed off for now and take it one step at a time for as long as you can. As you've said, everything is very up in the air at the moment so it's probably only going to cause you more stress to try and look that far ahead.

Have you thought about getting sick notes for maybe a month at a time, then simply requesting an extension from your gp practice as/ when you need it.
I don't think you can plan up to a year ahead with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. There is too much uncertainty.
Horrible situation for you all.

No advice on the sick leave, but just wanted to send my best to you OP. Life is for enjoying every moment we can with those we love, not working. My FIL had lung cancer 4-years ago, he didn’t go through chemo because it was caught so late, but my partner (self-employed) stopped working and spent every moment with him and doesn't regret a thing, we survived on the money, and his job was there to pick up after, you do what you need to during times like this.

Thank you so very much for the kind words. It helps reading them as while I feel awful mentally I am fit and well physically and it’s easy to feel almost fraudulent, especially when I am off because life becomes in many ways easier than it ever has been (at least since being pregnant and off on maternity leave for the first time before the baby arrived!) no rushing out of the house, time to myself three days a week (youngest in preschool) and general pause from chaos. Which to be honest is exactly what I need.

I do understand why people are suggesting reducing my hours but this only works in very flexible roles where it doesn’t matter which days of the week you work as long as you do two days or whatever: my job isn’t like that at all and so all that happens is that you end up taking a higher percentage of time off because you’re constantly asking for Thursday morning off, can I go early Friday afternoon, oh, I need next Thursday off … it just doesn’t work at all.

We have life insurance on the mortgage but not critical illness. Money wise DH is getting PIP but when the mortgage does go up in February that will effectively swallow the PIP money and I do need to be mindful of this.

like a PP I also found work to be a great distraction at times. it was great to just do something normal and not have to think about the awfulness of DHs illness.
My situation is slightly different as DH has got better after treatment.
I was totally open at work, told everyone, told them I'd say if anything changed and could they please not ask me about it. I was so open because I didn't want people gossiping or any resentment.
I took a mixture of carers leave (as my firm have a really great carers leave offering, which is paid) and holiday, and dropped my hours to part time with a totally flexible schedule, so I made up a few hours here and there on the weekends if I needed to. That went on for about 10 months, and then he started improving as a result of treatment. I went back to my normal hours and normal working pattern after 18 months. He still has cancer, but it's not currently growing and he's ok for now.
I feel like the waiting to find out how bad it was and the biopsy's before the full diagnosis and treatment plan was the worst. He was so sick, that's the point I should've got signed of work for a couple of weeks or more. I was too busy keeping all the balls in the air to realise.
So I would say, just get signed off, chat to your firm, and your colleagues if you are comfortable with that, and just do whatever you need to get through, but don't write off doing some working hours, it could be a tonic.

When I was 32 I developed angina and coronary artery disease, my Gp immediately said I couldn't work until it was sorted, - that was 2 years later 🙄I did go back to work, but the wait was a long hard slog. I got myself a dog so that I would get some exercise and leave the house. Take your time to adjust to your new circumstances, seek out services like Macmillan for support and get advice if you need it to maximise benefits Take one day at a time and keep looking forward

I’m so sorry for what your family are going through 😢

From a legal perspective I would just be slightly careful that work don’t hear you say you need to be off sick for logistical reasons with childcare/appts, as opposed to not being able to cope mentally (understandably) with everything you have going on.

I would also strongly like to encourage you have your own support eg therapy and people to speak to, to help support you whilst you support your DH.

If your company allows unpaid sabbaticals then that is a potential route otherwise unless your company has an absence policy that covers you being off because your husband is sick, I don’t know what you can do. My work as an example has sick leave but that’s when I am sick, not dh. Your contract of employment is your first step, do they have a compassionate leave for illness policy? My dc is public sector and got 3 weeks off then extended flexible working from home but not time off. Really sorry this is happening but do be prepared to be creative with how you manage the situation

I’m so sorry op. In this situation I would and have just told the employee to go and do what needed to be done, and I’d see them when I see them. Full pay and the job open when/if they felt able to return. Appreciate this isn’t the case for everyone though, so I truly hope you have an understanding manager and get all the time you need xxxx

Can I also signpost this thread, which you might find helpful.Thread for people who's partners have cancer.

I’m sending you unending hugs and support, two of my friends have been through this and I have some experience of it from my own father’s situation. The end of life care team that visits at home are a big support, as are our local hospice. I think ‘Macmillan also offer a support phone line.

That’s horrid treatment of you, especially during lockdown - nobody was in the schools surely. And yes, even though you’re entitled to that 6 months full pay, it can still trigger absence procedures if you’ve been off longer than a week or so when you go back. It’s crazy.

How about career break? That would definitely be reasonable considering the circumstances. Give a ring to macmillan, your union rep, citizen advice and see what you are entitled to. I feel for you, I m not surprised you cannot mentally cope and work effectively.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Unfortunately my workplace weren't very supportive in the long term when my son had cancer a few years ago and ultimately, I ended up losing my job. Just be prepared that even though it is such an awful situation, not everyone is automatically supportive.

I really hope that your workplace is better than mine was and I hope you get to spend some much quality time with your husband.

im sorry for his diagnosis OP

can you go off sick with stress? as clearly you are - and you will be paid?

Sorry you’re going through that. Good for you for taking the time off. You only live once. This is a big deal. Be there to support your family. I would plan some things if it was me that you would like to do eg you and hubby enjoy a coffee after a chemo session or read out loud whilst he snoozes (might get tired) or pick up a hobby eg knitting him a scarf. Make sure you have a bit of time for yourself for processing etc. Good luck for everything and ignore anyone who thinks it’s good to martyr on and struggle to juggle the whole lot.

If you work part time and your DH treatment and appointments are mostly on a Thursday could you ask your employer to swap days off so you get Thursdays off every week. If the mean survival rate is 22 months won't you want to leave sick time off until you really have to take it as it will obviously get worse towards the end. If you work 3 days a week could you drop back to 2 days a week? I think the pressure at home might mean you get a temporary pause from the cancer distress whilst at work. If you are entitled to a year sick leave I personally would leave it ATM to enable you to be at home with DH through the last 6 months when height not want to be alone.

@Doctordoolittle that isn’t why I’ve been signed off - it is more that the juggling act of trying to hold everything together for everyone is just too much.

I am so sorry to hear this @Kirbert2 . I am covered with a doctors note, for now anyway, but I do also know places can make life very uncomfortable. But if I’m in and doing a very poor job I am vulnerable to this anyway.

OP I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I went through something similar with my DH so I know something of how you’re feeling. Would your employer consider you working from home - maybe with reduced hours? Is it the kind of job you could do at home ?

Eh, that is what happens when someone is on sick leave. While she may not get paid her salary - statutory protection is there.