Signed off for a year

[ohjustleaveit]

I don’t quite know where this should go. But will try here. We were a bit blindsided when husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a couple of months ago. We are both in our forties, have young children.

Life has become extremely difficult and I no longer feel able to cope at work. I don’t see how I can go back while this situation is ongoing. I am looking for advice really from anyone who has been through similar, has been signed off for a long period and then gone back, how easy is it? I did have twelve months off for maternity leave but that was very different for obvious reasons.

So sorry OP ❤️

Do you have life/critical illness insurance? They may be able to assist.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s heartbreaking and I really feel for you.

From a purely practical perspective I can offer some advice, hopefully some of it will already be in place for you. Do you have support from MacMillan? They were immensely helpful to me and helped fast track the PIP payments for my late DH. Also, does your DH have a private pension? If so, check to see whether you can access it early, sounds like you might not be there yet, but many pensions can be cashed in, in full, tax free, when you are classed as having less than 12 months to live. Not many people are aware of this but it can help so much when you need to be at home and not out at work.

I hope this is helpful information, wishing you all the best.

We do but can’t access it yet - it has to be a diagnosis of twelve months or less to life and while the doctors will sign the SR1 form they are more reluctant to sign insurance forms, probably because it is more money.

To be honest, with everything going on I'd not worry about what it would be like to go back to work. Get yourself signed off, give yourself a moment to breathe and then plan the care/treatments and kids the best you can. See if there's anything you can claim for financial or in the lines of help with care too.

Times like this, one step forward at a time is the only thing we can do, everything else can just wait. So sorry for your news OP, bloody horrible disease. Sending a big hug x

I’m sorry this is happening to your family. If taking the time is an option for you, I’d encourage you to take it. You have enough on your plate with everything else that you are dealing with. Just remember to look after yourself too.

I dont think @HermioneWeasley meant it in a bad way. Its a reasonable question to ask before fully knowing your work situation. Sadly, many employers are understanding at the beginning in situations like this but can be less supportive over time.

Anyway OP I think you have had some good advice on here about focussing on the now. It’s a dreadful situation to be in but the sooner you enlist the support of your GP (for your health I mean ) the better.

You and your family have my best wishes.

Really sorry this had happened. I would advise you to speak with your manager and HR dept. You are in the early stages and your feelings may well change over the coming months. Would your employer be flexible regarding the days you work, work from home etc? I would assume most would be sympathetic. You may appreciate the distraction of work further down the line.

Big hugs to you! Just keep getting signed off, your husband and kids is all that matters now. Have you done some research into trials?The Royal Marsden is known to offer hope to patients that other hospitals give up on. Those delays are totally unacceptable. You just concentrate on your family and as you said your GP is going to keep signing you off. Just take a day at a time and focus on that. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Thank you for the kind words. I feel at the moment it’s as much as I can d to hold everything together for everybody. I really know it’s a cliche but it’s a bomb going off in your life: everything is thrown up in the air and all over the place.

I've been signed off for a long period and not gone back so I can't speak to that, but I can tell you that I work with someone who's just started to return after a year off and we're all so glad they're back. Nobody holds any resentment about the work we covered or anything like that, we're just glad they're doing better.

Could you request to switch to interest only for a few months while your pay drops?

You will be able to get a doctor's note for stress, most likely for a month at a time. When DP died I told work I didn't know if or when I would be back, then I did a check in phone call each month for a chat and to say I would be going back to work. Or I wouldn't. If you are entitled to a years sick leave at full pay then you will be paid in full whilst you are off. I requested my sick notes on line. Very straightforward. Good luck OP and good luck to your husband.

I do know of someone who was signed off for 18 months when their wife was diagnosed and had two small children. I think though they paid into an insurance scheme at work for such things so it was the insurance paying them not work.

If I remember rightly, after 18 months they went back 3 days a week, until the cancer progressed and then they had another year off (3 months before she died).

This was though, by everyone including the professionals, thought exceptionally good situation, so don't take that as normal.

I would take the GP signing me off for however long your sick leave policy states and only meet HR etc when requested. Keep manager in loop by phone/text and manage expectation that you don’t know what the prognosis is and how you will cope. At around 2-3 months you may need to meet with HR and manager but I wouldn’t do it until they ask tbh, you have a right to take sick leave and as long as you attend meetings they set and be transparent you’re all good,

Do you have critical illness cover? They usually pay out much faster (they did when I had breast cancer)

Err… yes? If that’s what the policy states which I believe it does?

WTF

Do not do this unless you really have no choice. I was given a 50/50 chance of living last year. I took a repayment holiday and the building society marked it as missed payment. I now have that on my credit file and can't change my mortgage. I'm trapped on a very high rate with a surcharge for arrears.

Sorry but this is not good advice. Sabbaticals are not paid, sick leave is. As long as OP is signed off by her GP she is entitled to sick leave. She has young children and a sick husband to support so why shouldn’t she ensure she gets the pay she is entitled to? As long as she follows her work policy and gets the required sick notes there is no issue at all.

I know you said about life insurance not being straightforward without a doctor being able to put a time frame on things but what about critical illness cover? I have insurance that included critical illness cover and when I was diagnosed with cancer was able to make a claim which wasn’t a huge amount but still helped massively with the extra costs and adjustments to my life at the time and uncertainty around work. The only thing was there was a limited amount of time from diagnosis to make the claim so you may want to look into this if it’s a possibility.

As for the rest of your question don’t worry about returning to work right now - take each day as it comes. Perhaps as some others have suggested take a little time off now then return when there is a routine with treatment etc. Do you have any flexibility to change what your working days are? So if you usually work Thursday but treatment is a Thursday could you change that working day to, say, a Wednesday?

Really sorry you’re all going through this.

Oh no, what bastards.

Side note - do you have a mortgage broker? I had a missed payment once but it didn’t affect our ability to get a new fixed deal, the broker sorted it for us.

Get yourself signed off for 3 months op. Your family need you and they matter so much more than a job. Best of luck to you and your husband 🩷🥺

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Do what you need to do for you and your family and try not to worry too much about work. Take it a sick note at a time. You are secure in your finances long term so keep that in mind. In the short term if it's needed maybe family can help out or you could take loans/mortgage holidays.

You would need to have very cruel, heartless employers and colleagues to not receive anything but empathy through this time. Even if that is the kind of workplace you're in then it's better you're away from there when you have so much going on. Other jobs will come along if and when you need one, you and your family are irreplaceable so focus on that.

@Namechangewegovyjune26 I have found a new broker to try to help me.
The building society has dragged me into court four times for the arrears or to sell my house which I have now done. The first time I went to court in my surgical dressings and in a wheelchair. They knew my prognosis.
Once my sale is completed I will take legal action against them for misleading me on the repayment holiday.
I don't want the @ohjustleaveit to have a damaged credit file in addition to all she has to deal with.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this

I'm currently in a situation where DH is extremely unwell and will not recover, with me as his only carer. Things have recently come to a head and he has just gone into a care home that I will refuse to have him home from.

I'm signed off work currently with stress but I certainly found that work was a distraction and I relished the time away from thinking about DH all the time IYSWIM? My job is very full on and does require me to focus fully at all times which I thankfully remained able to do.

I don't have small children to consider in the mix however which must add a whole new layer of stress. I would however say that (going on my experience at least) I would consider maybe trying to drop hours / days but remain working if at all possible, for example going in one day a week. For me the opportunity to be someone other than DH's carer was lifesaving.

Obviously if you really cannot cope then you'll have to take time off and deal with the return to work when it eventually happens. For me the horror of the last few months means that I can contemplate the return to work as no big deal. Things change there weekly and can look very different after a two week holiday, so I'm prepared that I will need to make adjustments on my return. There's also a part of me that's very keen to get back to normal, if that doesn't sound too callous?

Whatever you do, try and prioritise care for yourself. Carer burnout is a real thing and you need to be as healthy and well as possible in this situation.

@ohjustleaveit try to scroll past the unhelpful replies, you have enough to be dealing with without wasting your precious time.

What kind of role do you have and what kind of organisation do you work for? Roughly what age are the children? I might be able to give more tailored advice with a little more information x