Signed off for a year

[ohjustleaveit]

I don’t quite know where this should go. But will try here. We were a bit blindsided when husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a couple of months ago. We are both in our forties, have young children.

Life has become extremely difficult and I no longer feel able to cope at work. I don’t see how I can go back while this situation is ongoing. I am looking for advice really from anyone who has been through similar, has been signed off for a long period and then gone back, how easy is it? I did have twelve months off for maternity leave but that was very different for obvious reasons.

The pressures of trying to juggle the demands of a job, a sick husband and a young family plus the anticipatory grief of her husband's terminal diagnosis are making the OP sick with stress. So, yes, she is sick and the reason that her gp is issuing a sick note now is to try and prevent that stress worsening.

@ohjustleaveit my only advice to you is to take things a week at a time. There's so much on your plate, try not to worry about next year as well.

Dear OP, I have nothing useful to add here, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're all going through this. It's no age at all, and so horribly unfair. My DSD had exactly the same and was around for several years past his initial prognosis, so I hope your DH responds well to treatment. 🫂💐 xx

It’s a fit note. Meaning not fit to work.
You can not be fit to work for lots of reasons, including the mental impact of caring for a dying husband.

It isn’t the OPs fault you picked a job and an employer who doesn’t care about their staff. I worked in the private sector and would get 6 months full pay and a further 3 months on 50%. I picked my sector for the benefits offered.

You’re going through an awful time and as difficult as that is, practical and financial solutions still need to be found. I was off, for my own health reasons, for 10 months. My GP did my fit notes, I think a month at a time and I requested them through the GP surgery website. I went back on a phased return and wasn’t included in staffing numbers for the first few weeks. Go off and give yourself a few months to deal with all the changes at home. Maybe you’ll go back if he has a different treatment regime or stops treatment, you don’t have to make that decision today. Your employer would probably find it easier to secure regular cover, rather than not knowing if you’ll be in or not. You’re needed at home and work will always be there in the future.

A friend has just been through similar. Her partner was diagnosed and she was off for 3 months (brain tumour) he sadly died a year later and she has currently been signed off for 6 months. She can have full pay for 6 months then reduced for another 3, but currently signed off for 6 months then will re assess. Our employer does phased return so would come back gradually.
Im so sorry you are going through this, it sucks. Best wishes to you💕

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I was diagnosed with cancer myself last year - I was off for 7 months (was signed off for 1 month at a time), returned to work for 7 months and then went off sick again for 2 months, so I have experience of being off for long periods. My job was kept open, a temp was recruited to cover me and my company have been extremely supportive, I’ve never been pressured to go back to work when I haven’t been ready. Sending you lots of strength.

What an utterly vile creature you are.

Such a difficult situation for you and your family, OP.

May I ask what kind of role you have at work?

I've read through your posts - apologies if I have missed the answer to this question.

So sorry to read this, my DH had lung cancer, the treatment doesn’t start for ages as it takes a long time to actually type it, once they’ve got that back then they can work out the correct treatment.

my employer (an academy) told me to take as long as I needed and don’t worry. In all I was off on full pay about 14 months.

we got in touch with the hospice early on, tbh I was dragged kicking and screaming against going but actually it really helped us all as a family so much. DH ended up spending a month there to get his pain under control.

if you’ve any questions just ask. Take care, you need to look after you as you’re steering the ship.

I think we are in the same sector. If so check the pay policy. 100 days sick pay at full rate, will be pro rated to 60 days if you are 0.6. if you go back for a certain amount of time it resets, I think this is based on the point in the tax year rather than academic year. In your shoes I would get signed off, then if you are able to return for a bit do so, then get signed off again when you need. I would not look too far ahead yet. Take each month at a time. And don't reduce your hours. All that's going to do is add financial pressure to you

I am so sorry to hear what you are both going through OP.

I speak from experience having lost my husband to stage 4 pancreatic cancer three years ago; he was diagnosed in May and he died in December.

Like you we had infuriating delays and incompetence but when it was clear he was very unwell (April) I stopped working (I was self employed) and focused 100% on him. He started chemo at the start of July and I was able to be with him 24 hours a day, take him to all his appointments etc. I am so grateful I was able to do that for him and be his support and advocate.

If your GP has said she will sign anything and for as long as needed then I would really go for it and spend as much time as you can with him.

Sending gentle hugs 💕

So sorry to hear Op.
If you are in a union please do speak to them to help guide you. I wonder if macmillan or similar could also provide support.
I had a colleague with a seriously ill child. Work looked at it very compassionately and she was officially off with stress which gave her full pay. She wasn’t in a fit state to work and was juggling appointments. She came back on a very phased return. There was nothing but good wishes towards her from management and colleagues and a desire to find a solution that worked for her. She could have taken unpaid carers leave but by her being down as stress it got her fully paid. I hope your job is similar.

I’m so sorry OP.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She took a lot of leave but her employer also reallocated her to a different project. She normally worked on time critical projects but they found her a temporary role on a non time critical project so she had a greater degree of flexibility and could take time off as and when needed. This was in the second half of her husbands illness when he was no longer living at home but in hospice care. It worked well for her as she was able to keep earning plus save some leave for when he did pass away. And she could also visit him during her lunch break and before or after work.

Would something like this be a possibility for you ?

Sorry you are going through this OP.
One of my work friends unfortunately went through this with her husband. They did need the money so she continued trying to work but took a lot of time off for appointments etc. Luckily her role was easily covered by casuals, which sounds like it may not be the case for you?

I was going to say to you to be mindful of taking so much leave now, as opposed to when he gets more unwell and is heading toward end of life, where you will really need the time off, and then after he passes, you will need plenty of time off too.
BUT, reading your posts, he sounds so unwell already, the poor love. I know getting a prognosis can be difficult as there are so many unknowns, but 22 months sounds... maybe not accurate for him. So now I actually think you should go for the 12 months off (as long as you can manage financially). I mean at the end of this awful time, you're hardly going to look back and say "gee I wish I worked for longer instead of spending time with my husband". I think that if you did push yourself to keep working, and he passed quicker than expected, you'd really regret not spending more time together.

Wishing you all the best OP.
I hope the treatment has a good effect, and that he tolerates it as best as he can.

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with some of the unhelpful posts on here.

If people don’t know what they’re talking about then they’d be better to keep quiet and not give bad ‘advice’ or inaccurate opinions.

Wishing you and your family all the very best at this sad and challenging time 💐