Signed off for a year

[ohjustleaveit]

I don’t quite know where this should go. But will try here. We were a bit blindsided when husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a couple of months ago. We are both in our forties, have young children.

Life has become extremely difficult and I no longer feel able to cope at work. I don’t see how I can go back while this situation is ongoing. I am looking for advice really from anyone who has been through similar, has been signed off for a long period and then gone back, how easy is it? I did have twelve months off for maternity leave but that was very different for obvious reasons.

@caringcarer no, it isn’t like that and I can’t just swap days when I feel like it. Sorry - I do appreciate why people are suggesting it and would prefer not to have to keep saying the same thing over and over. It isn’t remotely practical and there are numerous appointments on different days of the week. There’s orthopaedics, as it’s spread to the bone, the lung team, the palliative care team plus chemo and some appointments have been in the next city which is a nightmare to get to. I can’t just blithely switch my days around. It is much harder for them and for me if I’m in and out and in and out. When I’m off, at least proper cover can be arranged.

I'm so sorry you are going through this op it will be such a difficult time. When both my parents were terminally ill I was part time and got signed off with stress - because being a carer for someone terminally ill is exactly that. I tried to carry on working in the beginning but like you are experiencing you have little control over appointments.

Aside from this you need to look after yourself, dh and be there to support your children. Sorry if I missed a post with your job but do you work in education? If so another factor would be the amount of germs, viruses etc in schools your dh will have very low immunity during chemo and you want to minimise bringing these home

When my partner was diagonised with terminal cancer I took leave immediately. I was off for 4 months as my partner died after 12 weeks. It was hard going back but after a day or two I was a relief to be back into a routine.

Hi OP, I am so sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. I just wanted to say that, when I worked with a district nursing team, we had a matron whose specialism was palliative care, and she was a mine of information on pretty much everything that might affect a patient and their family. Perhaps your local DN team might be a good resource for you?

Wishing you every strength.

@TheLemonLemur I am a little worried about that but I am generally fit and well and with a primary and preschool aged child we would face that anyway. It is a worry though.

In many ways if we knew for a fact that DH was likely to pass say this summer it would be an easy decision; I’d just take this time and be with him, the worry is if it extends beyond that. Maybe I just need to cross that bridge when I come to it though. This year is logistically the hardest year though (I do not mean that I’m taking the time for logistics, it’s more in terms of stress management.)

Thanks @whyayepetal . I think right now it is uncertain as we don’t know how he’s going to respond to treatment. I guess the two possibilities are that he responds well in which case I go back or he doesn’t in which case I don’t but both instances are a bit wait and see.

OP did your DH work up until his diagnosis ? If so he may be able to claim New Style ESA. - it’s contribution based - last two years contributions - and not means tested. Would that be an option ?

He’s got PIP thank you, under the special end of life rules and is still on ful pay at work and will be until he is no longer with us. So that’s all OK, but illness is expensive and the PIP is just going to be eaten by the mortgage increase.

Sorry your in this situation op.

Get GP to sign you off. If your public sector its 6 months full pay and 6 months half pay.

Check your mortgage insurance policy. Many will give advanced payments now with terminal diagnosis.

If he has the NI contributions he can claim New Style ESA as well as PIP. None of the other household income would be counted.

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It must be incredibly hard to concentrate on work whilst going through this. I was signed off work for almost 10 months when my daughter passed away suddenly. I had to keep extending it after seeing my GP. I also saw someone from Occupational Health regularly who was so helpful in managing my return to work and I reduced my hours when I did go back, after my phased return. Good luck x

Speak to mortgage company and ask for if mortgage can go to interest only for as long as they will let you.

Hi @ohjustleaveit - just wanted to say I know a little of how you are feeling, My DH was diagnosed with stage 4 Kidney Cancer earlier this year. My work gave me compassionate leave (unpaid) for around 2 months which was great as like you my head was scrambled & I’d have been no use anyway. DH started treatment & fortunately has responded really well. I went back to work, but found all of the politics of it too much to be bothered with - bigger fish to fry. So I found another job & left. Mad I know & terrible timing, but it’s actually worked out well. I’m in a much more relaxed place & they are very understanding if I need to switch shifts to attend appointments with him.
Anyway I just wanted to say that once treatment starts you kind of get into a routine & what was a huge earthquake to your life becomes kind of normal so I’d take it a month or 2 at a time as you might find you’re in a better headspace once treatment starts. We’re at 5 ish months into treatment & he’s actually going back to work soon.

DH wouldn’t consider that @Hankunamatata , I don’t even need to ask

@Autumngirl5 how absolutely awful for you in many ways I feel PIL have a harder cross to bear than I do, watching DH go through this is horrific, I can’t imagine seeing ds or dd.

I’ll look into it @ThreadGuardDog thank you

Thanks @Workgetsintheway . I guess my worry is being in and out and in and out. I’d rather just be off and let them get proper cover. But it is true I may well end up in a routine and back to work, it is just incredibly hard as my head and heart aren’t there. And new rules mean I can’t even have my phone with me which massively adds to a sense of anxiety and worry.

Just some advice, you can’t get signed off sick because you can’t arrange childcare or your husband needs driving to appointments. You need to actually be ill yourself. Maybe you are experiencing high anxiety, and the GP will then do a questionnaire to asses your symptoms and decide whether being at work aggregates that or not and make a decision over a sick note. If you are getting signed off, that’s about your health, not someone else’s. I doubt you can get signed off long term on anxiety as the GP will need to keep re-assessing to see if your condition has improved, it’s not about your homelife situation, it’s will be about whether prescribing medication has improved your symptoms etc.

If you are wanting to hold onto the job long-term I would steer away from long-term sick leave. Your circumstances won’t be fully considered if you are off long enough to trigger a capability review as it’s only your own physical/mental capacity to carry out the role that is considered. After a short while you may also be referred to Occupational Health will look at workplace adjustments to help with your condition, but they won’t be able to recommend not working long term unless you want them to terminate your contract, so you have to play along and say you are keen to get back to work.

I would recommend being honest with your manager and saying you are at high risk of being off sick or being unreliable over the next year, and ask if there are any paid/partial paid options for leave on top of your annual leave and if that is no use, ask for a 1 year sabbatical…unpaid, but many employers will agree to it on the basis that having to deal with a lot of sick leave and possibly capability reviews and tribunals is something they will want to avoid.

Remember that if you do end up having to give up the job in this process, that a new employer in future may ask as part of the referencing process how much sick leave you took in the final year of your old job. Many employers now also do medical screenings as well, so you would have to declare it there as well. Often these are tick box assessments and don’t leave room for the ‘why’ you have had long term anxiety causing sick leave, and will just mark you as a high risk to the company.

If you can get time off and you have a car each, sell one to raise cash as you don’t need one each if he has you to drive him to appointments. Also look into benefits he can receive, if it’s classed as terminal he should get PIP if you are his carer…maybe call citizen’s advice and find out about what other financial support is available. You may get a carer’s allowance etc.

I know money will be a concern, but if you can do it without risk of homelessness, I would take the time out of work, even if the job isn’t held open, you would be leaving at this point with a solid reference. Your DH’s health will be impacted if you are not there and are stressed about work and childcare and transport issues etc, plus over the next year the time your children have with him is precious and so you should prioritise facilitating that for their sakes, avoid sending them to after school clubs etc if you can be at home as a family.

My DH’s newly appointed boss was in a similar situation - her husband was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. He works for what is perceived as a fairly cut-throat FTS100/global company but every single person in her team rallied and supported her and made sure they did everything they could to keep her role ticking over while she focused on her husband and daughters. Not a single person whinged.

Sending hugs in the hope that your team and HR are similarly supportive of you at a time when your focus needs to be your family.

@TygerBread i know, in all honesty that’s not really all that helpful. Sorry but it isn’t. It’s fairly obvious what I’m saying, I think.

@ohjustleaveit Sorry that you are going through this, and I haven't had a chance to read the full thread. But my advice...

Get referred in to outpatient wellbing service at your nearest hospice, they will give both you, your DH and kids access to a range of support services including counselling and a social worker who can talk through finances, benefits, work etc. You don't need to wait for your DH to be actively dying to access hospice services.

See if your work has a return to work policy. Depending on your role if there is one it should outline what you will need to do on return after certain lengths of time out of the role. Also, they maybe happy for you to continue attending CPD, which may help you stay in touch whilst balancing your families need. Consider flexible working after your pay starts to drop, it might keep you sane too (depending on how much you love your work and colleauges).

Consider whether you need to go back sooner than 12 months in order to go off again later.

Write all your questions down, don't be afraid to ask anything, take them into your DH consultation.

@Periperi2025 i have been signposted to hospices on here but no one has mentioned it at any of the hospital appointments and I feel like I can’t just contact one out of the blue. As things progress doubtless we will but at this stage it feels somewhat premature. It’s the same with MacMillan: the last thing I want is to denigrate their good work but I haven’t really had anything tangible in the form of support other than sorting DHs blue badge.

When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, my doctor signed me off throughout the period that he was having chemo. When it was over and he was okay to be left and doing reasonably well, I went back to work. The chemo gave him a good six months of quality of life, but then the cancer spread again, and it was clear that this was the beginning of the end. I was signed off again, and didn't go back until six weeks after he died.

There was no grand plan. We just dealt with what life was throwing at us when it happened. Basically I did a term and a half of each of the two academic years that his illness spanned.

Going back was good for me on both occasions. I was lucky to work in a special school, with really supportive classroom TA teams. The SLT pretty much left me alone to get on with it, rather than add any management pressure.

When I returned after his death, I decided to surrender my management role and 'just' be a class teacher. That worked really well, and took away the annoying stuff while I enjoyed focusing on the children in my class.

At this point I really don't think you can plan. Hopefully you have a GP who's empathetic and will extend your leave as and when necessary, in discussion with you.

What illness do you have?

You could take some compassionate leave or unpaid cares leave but you can't get signed off unless you are ill yourself.

You absolutly can and should be referred into hospice services if you want/ need it. Sometimes things can get quite treatment focused and forget the bigger picture, but that is exactly what Specialist palliative care services and hospices are there for. A lot of GPs have a special interest in palliative care and /or are 'Macmillan GPs' so ask the receptionist who is best to see and book an appointment with them and let them get the ball rolling.

Thanks @saraclara . It’s so helpful to hear from people who have been in similar positions. In many ways I just sort of want to be on the other side of this. I don’t mean I want DH to die, of course I don’t, although his quality of life just now is awful. But the uncertainty and the worry is terrible. There’s a certainty around death at least.

We’ll see with the hospice. I think it could be very upsetting for DH to be referred to one before he’s even started treatment and I think that’s for the palliative care team really.

Yes you can. I wasn't physically ill. I was signed off with stress, or words to that effect. I can't quite remember what was on the certificates, but it wasn't 'illness' as such.

Best just ignoring posts like that, I’m trying to. Fortunately they have been few and far between.

Absolutely nonsense