Storm Part 4 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

New thread as the old one filled up. Part 3 can be found at https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3?page=1

This is a thread for partners of people with cancer. It's a place of safety and support.

The Storm threads started in 2018 and carried on far beyond expectations as more and more people join this awful club.

It also includes those of us who have lost our partners to cancer or related complications.

Thank you for the new thread.

I really appreciate the safe space to share how I'm feeling.

@Jaffapaffa hope you managed to get some sleep

Thank you for the new thread. I read, but have not yet contributed anything meaningful as we come to the end of the first year since DH's diagnosis of Stage 4 prostate cancer.

Checking in. Thanks for the new thread @Willowkins

thinking of you @Jaffapaffa hope you managed to sleep xxx

Checking in and sharing, coffee, tissues and hugs …..

DH passed away peacefully this evening just after 7pm.

The 6-12 months we were told in February, and the 6-9 months in March proved to be far too generous.

Although he wasn't able to start his cancer treatment, it was nonetheless the cancer that killed him - blood clots, a significant stroke plus several other small ones - and his rapid weight loss meant that he had very little strength to keep going.

I am numb.

I am so sorry to hear this @Jaffapaffa
I think the numbness is our brain's way of protecting us from the awfulness of it all.
Sending hugs to you and your little one.

((hugs)) life’s really not fair.

@Jaffapaffa so very sorry for your loss.
thinking of you xxx

@Jaffapaffareally sorry to hear your news. Sending you hugs.

@Jaffapaffa that is horribly unfair. It is so hard to be given any hope and then it’s just taken away from you. Please keep posting.
you are not alone with your pain

Not sure if it is ok if I jump in here, so direct me if needed. My Dad has stage 4 liver cancer and is now in hospital (from side effects of the immunotherapy). He wants to go home, but can’t as he safely can’t be discharged. I’m an only child and trying to support my Mum as best as I can. I’m scared and sad and angry and numb. And I have no idea about how to return to work. Or parent.

Thank you so much @Willowkins @Hisredipad @notapizzaeater @thornbury and @Blueskies3

I can't believe he's gone.

And at the same time it feels as if the last 40 hours has been a lifetime.

I feel.in limbo at the moment - I can't sort anything out, as it's the weekend, so D Dog and I are sitting in the garden doing nothing at all.

I took a photo last night of Ddog to send to DH, and then remembered that there was no point.

I saw the news headlines this morning and thought 'ooh,must mention that to DH', and again there is no point.

I spent most of yesterday contacting friends and family.
Thank goodness for texts and WhatsApp for the more distant contacts - saves repeating myself endlessly

You don’t need to do anything or be anything for anyone. You must be the priority now. Do you have someone to sit with you? Do you want that or want to be alone? I can imagine the 40 hours seems like a lifetime.

Thoughts with you @Jaffapaffa

@Jaffapaffa definitely prioritise yourself for now, if you can manage it eat something be sure to stay hydrated at least and if someone can be with you for a while it will help. Thinking of you

Okay, some practical advice:

• Designate someone to make the phone calls with updates - it saves you time and having to repeat yourself
• If you have to tell companies or organisations, ask for their bereavement department - those people are better trained
• Expect people to say the wrong thing so prepare a stock answer - it will help protect you in the moment.

I'm sure others will have ideas.

Also, if you'd like to and when you're ready, tell us about him.

In his last few days DH got very agitated and was waving his arms about a lot.
Because he kept pulling his cannula and NG tube out, he had giant mittens on.

And all I keep thinking is whether he was flailing about aimlessly, or whether he was trying to hug me and I didn't hug him back.

I will never know - and he was so confused that hopefully he didn't know either.

But I keep wondering if he was okay and what else I could have done to help him.

I did manage to contact work (we both work(ed) in the same school) to let them know, and so there will be an announcement made in tomorrow's staff meeting.

That will inform a lot of people in one fell swoop.

Well done @Jaffapaffa those calls are very hard to make 💐

I didn't realise how beloved DH was - and he probably didn't either.

More and more fowers keep arriving, and I've run out of vases.

I'm now fishing out coffee jars from the recycling bin and thinking that DH would have found this all so hilarious.

But of course I can't tell him anymore ☹️

@Jaffapaffatell him anyway, I would.

DH started chemotherapy and palliative radiotherapy yesterday. So far he's feeling mostly OK but the dog is throwing up and has diarrhoea 🤷‍♀️

The paracetamol and codeine wasn't dealing with the pain any more and now he's had an upgrade to morphine tablets, which he says definitely do the trick.

I got 43 bunches of flowers after DH died, I was giving them to anyone who visited. Now I only ever buy food for people who’ve lost someone, I normally deliver a bag full of cakes, biscuits, crisps and sometimes a meal.