Signed off for a year

[ohjustleaveit]

I don’t quite know where this should go. But will try here. We were a bit blindsided when husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a couple of months ago. We are both in our forties, have young children.

Life has become extremely difficult and I no longer feel able to cope at work. I don’t see how I can go back while this situation is ongoing. I am looking for advice really from anyone who has been through similar, has been signed off for a long period and then gone back, how easy is it? I did have twelve months off for maternity leave but that was very different for obvious reasons.

Depends on the circumstances.
But i did expect them to you provide sick leave for me when my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer ,prognosis was poor ,i was anxious,depressed trying to care for him and children. My employers (nhs) recognised i wasnt fit for work ,id never had a day off sick in 25 yrs ,i had 6 months full pay,6 months half pay. My husband lived for 10 months from diagnosis to death aged 48 yrs old. I returned to work 2 months after his death and have worked for the last 10 yrs without a sick day. I dont feel that was unreasonable.

I’m so sorry op, would your work let you be flexible with your part time days? I wonder if you could work on a week to week basis when you know when the treatments are going to be. Just a thought.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your family.

Forgive me if I've missed it in your posts, but do you have family living close to you? Are they able to provide any assistance eg accompanying your DH to some appointments? I know that doesn't answer your question but I'm thinking that you will need time for yourself, even if it's actually to rest / catch up on sleep. 💐

im sorry this is happening

whilst you can be signed off and get sick pay at your organisation for a year before I guess it goes to zero. You also need to check your capability policy. Many don’t realise you can be dismissed for sickness absence even with fit notes. There will often be a process. So make sure you have support or advice (union possibly) just in case that happens. Read your policies.

Bless you, OP 💖 I’m sure it must feel overwhelming and like you have to deal with everything at once. I’m reading your posts and thinking don’t be hard on yourself for not having all the answers straight away - your life has imploded and you’re trying to find a way forward amid the chaos. That’s going to take some time and is not easy.

You feel the pressure of caregiving for your husband and your children, the house, the bills - everything seems to have fallen on your shoulders in a short space of time.

It’s ok to take five minutes just to breathe and hold yourself, love.

On a practical level it might be worth having a word with your GP to see if they can signpost you to any local support and just be a listening ear. Contact social care at your council as they can often arrange for domiciliary support to help you, and maybe even counselling/family support or can signpost you to other services that can do that. Then of course there’s the Roy Castle Foundation - I think they’re still going, if so try them. Also someone mentioned the union - I second that. Is there anyone at work you can talk to - a trusted colleague, a boss? The hospital too - they might have connections.

The support is out there OP, you’re not alone and there will always be someone to help if you remain open to it. Where some people wane, others will come to fill the gap in time. And of course there’s Mumsnet.

Hugs OP, you’re going through a really difficult situation but don’t be too hard on yourself and look after you 💖

I’m so sorry to hear this. Please accept my distant virtual hug.

My DH has had heart failure for a few years which was surprisingly well managed with medication but has had its ups and downs and unfortunately everything deteriorated quite quickly earlier this year. He’s been in critical care for coming up to 6 months now. I tried juggling things with work and caring for our 4 year old (we don’t have any local family / help) and quite quickly realised it was impossible to try to balance work with hospital visits and care. My GP actually suggested signing me off about a month before I caved in.

Don’t underestimate how exhausting it is both physically and psychologically to manage this. Ignore people trying to tell you there will be repercussions, ultimately you need to do what works best for you and your family for now. It sounds like you have supportive policies at work and a supportive GP which is great. I’ve had my fit/ sick note renewed as needed. We have different circumstances in terms of illness but please feel free to DM if it might help. Don’t forget to take care of yourself in all of this.

@ohjustleaveit
im so sorry to read this
have you reached out to MacMillan? They’re amazing and support not just the patient but the whole family.
also on the practical side - you say money is sorted in the long term I’m guessing via some form of life cover? It is worth noting that some life cover policies pay out on a terminal diagnosis, I know this as I work in a hospital and we receive forms from Aviva etc to confirm details which can alleviate some of the money worries If say policies can pay out before and potentially clear mortgages etc…

there is also a Gold framework pathway and they fast track applications for PIP/ESA/Attendance Allowance/ carers allowance - the MacMillan team can help with this.

another useful thing they can do for your husband is organise some respite care
at your local hospice which gives everyone a bit of a breather - my mum had a couple of stints of respite and she came back each time feeling positive and a little refreshed. It’s not a game changer but it helps.

sending you lots of love at this time x

I think what’s expected is that you offer your condolences before coming out with things like this.

OP - I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

Have you been to your GP to discuss getting one year sign off? Or are you envisaging he issues sick notes periodically? Has work been supportive since diagnosis?

If you are NHS OP. You will be able to have a year off work. Your GP will review your sick notes in stages. I have known 2 people do this. Not for their DH it was there own personal circumstances. One of the 2 people managed to get over 12 months. In the end she choose not to return to work and left.

Its understandable you can't focus.

And I am very very sorry @ohjustleaveit

Does your husband have critical illness cover and a life assurance policy @ohjustleaveit ? Sometimes worth checking CI cover is not included with work if he has decent coverage from employer

My large company would absolutely allow indefinite absence for something like this. Although initially it would be with full pay, after six months it would be reassessed. A life changing situation such as a spouse being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which is usually pretty much a death sentence, is extremely difficult to deal with mentally and will obviously impact your work. It must be utterly heartbreaking and terrifying. You have to do whatever works for you and your family. Don’t have any regrets once the inevitable happens, that you haven’t been there for your dh when he’s needed you. Family is your priority atm, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Try your best to get as long as you can.i see no problem. It’s what i would try and do and my manager would help with this.

What you are about to go through its horrendous and i wish you all the best. Don’t worry about work until you have to (they call you back, they essentially give you no choice) etc. hopefully that wont happen

But trying her best at work may leave her really struggling in what truly matters - her family

HNRFT but we are a very small SME and when we had an employee whose wife was dying without transplant surgery, we sent him home on full pay to look after her. It went on for months, he worked from home so he was there to care, but he also did most of his job remotely and dh picked up the loose ends. It did work, just, over 18 months and we were happy to be supportive, but it would have been much more difficult in a bigger or more bureaucratic company.

I'm so sorry. Stay off work, this is your husband, your life, your children's father. He and you and your family are most important. Your life has been turned upside down, the impact on you mentally will be huge, the looking after him physically and making sure he is safe and doesnt fall, the taking him to appointments. Its all huge. Im so sorry.

Sorry to hear of your husband’s diagnosis.

People can and do get signed off for extended periods for mental health reasons, which dealing with this would fall into. Whether a doctor would sign you off now for 12 months I don’t know, or if they’d give you a fit note for a shorter period of time and keep providing them.

When my DH died I was signed off at 4 weeks at a time (reason was put as bereavement/ stress) - I took off 3 months after he died then everybody (including work !! said I should go back to work so I did)
I know it’s not really what you asked but my point I think would be - take as much as you need - don’t worry about what others say / think
Best of Luck

Yes, absolutely this. Do speak to HR who will be able to talk you/him through the options available, while MacMillan or a similar organisation will also give financial advice. If all else fails CAB will help to ensure that you get all the financial help available. Your mortgage company might also offer some short term support.

Kindy, I wonder if you could keep the job but get some flexibility built in. The routine and normality of it may be your saviour.

Sending so much love to you OP.
I would ask GP to sign you off for initial 2-3 months and then review it depending on circumstances and how things are. Any decent employer will be understanding and sympathetic of your situation and I doubt would expect you back anytime soon anyway. Take all the time you need and spend all the time you need with your family xx

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this

Are you saying that you’d ask the company upfront to keep your job open? We can’t say if they would agree to that, but I hope so.

OP- so sorry, this is so hard for you all. Of course you need to be at home.

Your GP is supportive and you can have your time off on full pay while you see how things go. In my work place we would then try and get you in for a few days to reset it so you keep full pay but you may have to go on to half pay for the next section.

This is exactly what it is there for. Am horrified that some posters seem more worried about your work than your family. Take care OP.

Sorry you are going through this x
You need to explain the situation to your employer, with your DH having a relatively poor prognosis having time with him is always going to trump work. Get the longest sick note your GP will provide but keep talking with your employer - any employer with an ounce of empathy will want to help you.