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Original poster

As a woman, you can’t just go to work and go home 🙄.

217 replies

joseline · 01/12/2025 13:13

i recently got my graphic design job months ago and I really like the job so far.

i have been working for 8 months.

but a week ago, I got called out by my manager who is also a woman because I don’t interact with other coworkers other then good morning or have a good evening. I only talk to them about the work at hand but I never have small talks, I never have lunch with them. I do my job and go home.

my boss called me out because, a woman coworker recently came out after being on leave. I don’t know why and I do not care. It’s not my business. When she came back I didn’t welcome her cheerfully. I said good morning to her like everyone else. And it’s not like this coworker has no work friends, I basically got called out because I am not kissing her ass.

i am not the only one who have gone through those petty dramas over nothing.

my women cousins told me stories of other women at various jobs they worked at starting ridiculous conflicts because they just did their job and went home and didn’t wanna be buddy buddy with their women coworkers.

I am starting to think that there is a ridiculous unspoken rule of being a girl’s girl and you’ll a social outcast when you refuse to be in a clique.

I understand there are cases of women getting harassed by men at work but in my personal experience whenever I’ve had any sort of beef with coworkers, it’s always been other women. The men always left me alone.

are me and my cousins the only ones who experienced those phenomenons ?

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 01/12/2025 13:28

You do sound particularly cold. I don't think this is a woman thing, I think this is a personality thing.

ChristmasHug · 01/12/2025 13:31

I do think women are expected to be more sociable. But pulling you up on it is a bit much. Tell them you're ND, and they're discriminating against you.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 01/12/2025 13:37

You're as cold as ice, OP. Don't worry, I'm the same, but luckily 80% WFH. Just use some bs like you're neurodiverse or something and they'll soon back off.

Wurlygig · 01/12/2025 13:37

I think you should be able to just go to work and come home if you want to. I don’t socialise with colleagues after work but we do often eat lunch together. It can be good for your career to generally get on with your colleagues.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 01/12/2025 13:37

This has nothing to do with sex.

The best workers - both male and female- understand that, while you certainly don't have to be best buddies with your co-workers, teams are much more effective when people invest effort in building positive relationships with their colleagues.

The worst workers - both male and female - fail to see that humans aren't robots and fail to appreciate the importance of building relationships and fostering good will between colleagues. They usually don't progress very far.

InSpainTheRain · 01/12/2025 13:43

Just put a little more effort into personal relationships at work. They are paying after all and things work better if people actively get on. You don’t need to be full on pals, but just a few nice convos will help. I don’t think it’s a woman or man related issue by the way.

SirChenjins · 01/12/2025 13:44

You certainly don't have to be "buddy buddy", but do you honestly never interact with them beyond hello, goodbye and work tasks only? No 'how was your weekend', no talk about holidays, kids or pets, no moans about the weather, that kind of thing? Teams don't function with endless dramas, but they do function better with social niceties, positive relationships, a bit of an understanding of what makes each other tick and what's important in their lives outside of work.

Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 13:49

Yeah this isn’t a woman thing it’s a personality thing.

i know men like this who’ve been pulled up in it.

if you are going to work in person and on a team there’s a minimum of small talk you need to do otherwise people think you don’t like them. Just grit your teeth and do it, or wfh.

ExquisiteDecorating · 01/12/2025 13:52

Part of being a good employee is fitting in with the company culture and that normally includes a bit of social interaction, it is totally normal and polite to say "good holiday?" on someone's first day back and IMO a bit rude not to unless you genuinely forget and then you might do it later, "sorry, forgot to ask, how was your holiday". I don't think it's a male/female thing either.

Original poster
joseline · 01/12/2025 13:54

SirChenjins · 01/12/2025 13:44

You certainly don't have to be "buddy buddy", but do you honestly never interact with them beyond hello, goodbye and work tasks only? No 'how was your weekend', no talk about holidays, kids or pets, no moans about the weather, that kind of thing? Teams don't function with endless dramas, but they do function better with social niceties, positive relationships, a bit of an understanding of what makes each other tick and what's important in their lives outside of work.

Well in past jobs I’ve been bullied before. And it was always by other women. Same thing when I was in secondary school. Whenever I’ve been bullied it was always by other girls.

so I mostly keep to myself. I figured it is best to keep everyone at arm’s length.

OP posts:
ExquisiteDecorating · 01/12/2025 13:55

Did you have another thread about this a few months ago? Or was that someone else. It popped back up again the other day.

sandyhappypeople · 01/12/2025 13:55

What do you mean 'called out', you've just said it 3 times but what does it mean? What was actually said to you?

I have a nephew like this, he doesn't see why he should 'give his co workers the time of day', so refuses to talk to anyone, I think it is a fear of rejection in some ways, but can lead to a very isolating working life.

socks1107 · 01/12/2025 13:57

Yes I was bullied relentlessly because I wouldn’t share my sm details with a team. They said I must have something to hide and made my working life miserable.
as soon as I could leave I did. Work is work, I enjoy a little catch up but until I’m comfortable I’m not sharing my personal life with these people and when I didn’t they were awful to me

TheRolyPolyByrd · 01/12/2025 14:05

I don't think there should be any pressure to see workmates in your spare time (including Christmas do, if unpaid) but I think it's reasonable to expect you to actively participate in maintaining a friendly office environment.

Your employer is paying you to carry out tasks during certain hours. They are telling you that one of these tasks is engaging in some small talk with co-workers. This is part of what they are paying you for so you need to do it. If you don't like what your employer is paying you to do, find a different job and check in advance that your new employer is happy with office workers who don't want to speak to anyone beyond the absolute minimum of civility.

Kate08x · 01/12/2025 14:10

Sillysoggyspaniel · 01/12/2025 13:28

You do sound particularly cold. I don't think this is a woman thing, I think this is a personality thing.

No she sounds professional. It’s the boss that sounds like a bully.

Anotherdayattheforum · 01/12/2025 14:12

Building a social relationship with colleagues is teamwork. Sometimes it’s simply you each have each other’s back. I’m sure most people have had a stressful event at work and have really appreciated the support a collegiate network can offer, maybe as far as to dig you out of a hole.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2025 14:14

my boss called me out because, a woman coworker recently came out after being on leave.

What do you mean by 'came out'? Announced they were gay?

What do you mean when you say you've been 'called out'? You've said this several times in your post but not explained what you mean. I'm presuming you mean she criticised you rather than exposed you for lying? What exactly did she say?

Original poster
joseline · 01/12/2025 14:15

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2025 14:14

my boss called me out because, a woman coworker recently came out after being on leave.

What do you mean by 'came out'? Announced they were gay?

What do you mean when you say you've been 'called out'? You've said this several times in your post but not explained what you mean. I'm presuming you mean she criticised you rather than exposed you for lying? What exactly did she say?

I met came back. Typo

OP posts:
Teaforthetotal · 01/12/2025 14:17

I can understand your point of view but think it is the done thing to make small talk. You don't have to a personal relationship with them.
I have colleagues who don't have a personal friendship with me but are always respectful and ask how I'm doing , especially if I've been off or ill. I extend the same courtesy to them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 14:21

I think there’s a self-fulfilling prophecy going on. You think women are horrible, so you preemptively communicate in a cold way. Then they complain.

Yes, there is more leeway for men to be socially shitter. Doesn’t mean we should aim for that. D you want to rewrite the script from school? Or forever think that women (51% of the humans in the world) are mean?

NorWouldI · 01/12/2025 14:26

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 14:21

I think there’s a self-fulfilling prophecy going on. You think women are horrible, so you preemptively communicate in a cold way. Then they complain.

Yes, there is more leeway for men to be socially shitter. Doesn’t mean we should aim for that. D you want to rewrite the script from school? Or forever think that women (51% of the humans in the world) are mean?

Exactly. Be intelligent about this, OP. 51% of the human race aren't bullies.

I'm a woman. I've been working in the same professional field in several different countries for thirty years. I've made a few good friends via various jobs, but I'm certainly not effusively friendly to the vast majority of the colleagues I've had over the decades. I don't recognise the gendered expectations you present.

SirChenjins · 01/12/2025 14:33

joseline · 01/12/2025 13:54

Well in past jobs I’ve been bullied before. And it was always by other women. Same thing when I was in secondary school. Whenever I’ve been bullied it was always by other girls.

so I mostly keep to myself. I figured it is best to keep everyone at arm’s length.

Show quote history

Yes, girls and women who have been bullied are often bullied by other girls and women. Is there anything to suggest that these women are going to bully you though if you simply pass the time of day with them?

BeAmberMember · 01/12/2025 14:37

I don't think it's gendered. I think it's personalities.

I successfully got occupational health to support me in not returning to the office after covid because my long-standing health condition improved a great deal when I wasn't forced to spend time with people I didn't want to spend time with.

I know it's upset the 'TEAM, we all need to be a TEAM' extrovert manager who thinks people are magically better at their jobs because they listen to their colleagues whingeing every day.

Luckily thanks to covid, I could evidence that I don't need to be in an office to do my job or be part of 'the TEAM' as I have a unique role but I know many of my colleagues think the same as me but are suffering through enforced office work 2 days a week. Or just not bothering and there's very little the manager can do to enforce it.

I'm a TEAM player, I'm accessible, helpful, polite and professional. I'll help people out. I'm just not a joining-in-er as an ex-colleague once described me 🙂

Lougle · 01/12/2025 14:43

I think you can be cautious without being cold. A pleasant 'good to see you back' or 'How was your holiday?' doesn't cost anything, doesn't expose you to risk, and conveys a sense that their absence was noted. That's all it needs.

Happyjoe · 01/12/2025 14:50

joseline · 01/12/2025 13:54

Well in past jobs I’ve been bullied before. And it was always by other women. Same thing when I was in secondary school. Whenever I’ve been bullied it was always by other girls.

so I mostly keep to myself. I figured it is best to keep everyone at arm’s length.

Show quote history

Understandable with your reaction. Just be a little more friendly at work, big smile 'how was your weekend' or 'hope feeling better now' if someone was off sick, smile if someone says a joke etc.. then leave it at that? Don't need to get involved in order to appear friendly imo.. As for work nights out, just go to xmas one if there is one and be busy for any others!