As a woman, you can’t just go to work and go home 🙄.

[joseline]

i recently got my graphic design job months ago and I really like the job so far.

i have been working for 8 months.

but a week ago, I got called out by my manager who is also a woman because I don’t interact with other coworkers other then good morning or have a good evening. I only talk to them about the work at hand but I never have small talks, I never have lunch with them. I do my job and go home.

my boss called me out because, a woman coworker recently came out after being on leave. I don’t know why and I do not care. It’s not my business. When she came back I didn’t welcome her cheerfully. I said good morning to her like everyone else. And it’s not like this coworker has no work friends, I basically got called out because I am not kissing her ass.

i am not the only one who have gone through those petty dramas over nothing.

my women cousins told me stories of other women at various jobs they worked at starting ridiculous conflicts because they just did their job and went home and didn’t wanna be buddy buddy with their women coworkers.

I am starting to think that there is a ridiculous unspoken rule of being a girl’s girl and you’ll a social outcast when you refuse to be in a clique.

I understand there are cases of women getting harassed by men at work but in my personal experience whenever I’ve had any sort of beef with coworkers, it’s always been other women. The men always left me alone.

are me and my cousins the only ones who experienced those phenomenons ?

I accept that social interaction requires quite a bit of fakery: telling the woman who has been away that you're so happy that she's back etc. when you couldn't really give a shit. But the way I see it there are enough people doing that so that I don't have to unless I want to. I greet people warmly, I am genuinely happy to see many of them and to be part of a team, but I think a team is made up of all sorts. Some people are extremely private and quiet. It isn't fair that they are compared to people who are the opposite and forced to comply. Just accept people as they are, and leave them alone, you fucking bullies (this last part is aimed at Op's colleagues).

My BIL has very low functioning autism and the occasional absence seizures (appearing to zone out and/or drift off to sleep) and grand mal seizures (nasty to witness in real life, I have seen him go into one). So he definitely isn't safe to get behind the wheel of any vehicle and he can't function without 24/7 care (given by his ageing parents), so is by definition neurodiverse.

I just mean that such a term was never around when I grew up and it does genuinely sound like a bs term to me. The opposing term being neurotypical. So I'm 'normal' in spite of such a thing being so richly diverse in and of itself.

And no, my BIL doesn't understand social cues, which is something that makes him come off like a total arsehole at times. He can't/won't read the room and can say some truly awful things (he threatened to rape his mum years ago because he was bemoaning not being able to get a girlfriend).

I'm not trying to do genuinely disabled individuals a disservice by saying the term neurodiverse is bs in the same way I'm not trying to do genuinely normal people a disservice by saying the term neurotypical is bs. Neither of these terms got adopted into mainstream use until the early 2000s and now we're all too keen to put people into boxes/give sections of society a label, aren't we?

I'm probably autistic (definitely introverted with a boat-load of anxiety, potentially also have ADD which anxiety tends to overlap with,) but I'm not going to go and call myself neurodiverse.

Calling the OP rude, cold, a psychopath who you wouldn't want as a colleague really is just proving her point.

Nobody is saying that you need to be the life and soul of the party. That's not the point. People are just saying that basic social niceties need to be observed.

For those saying that managers are wrong to care about this kind of stuff, I would suggest having a look at the research which demonstrates a pretty strong positive correlation between social interaction between colleagues and productivity/team performance.

Well I defo wouldn’t socialise after work but 5 mins of chit chat at the start of a meeting is invaluable. It’s how you understand what makes a team tick.

Maybe im odd, I just couldn't imagine being the slightest bit bothered and my work being negatively affected because Janice only says good morning to me. It just all feels very childish imo.

This. And op does say goodmorning. She just isn't involved in the useless office tittle tattle.

Yes, it's all about making the gesture. A quick "Welcome back" to someone who's been away costs nothing, you don't have to gush or have a long conversation, it's just a polite acknowledgement.

I worked in a place where the boss hugged everyone and wanted to know the intricacies of our lives. Most female colleagues loved it. I hated it. My strategy was to tolerate the hugs and ask questions to get the conversation onto their lives. Mostly they love talking about themselves and then you find you don’t have to share.

I think the crux is that the world is extroverted, built by and designed for extroverts and otherwise generally social people. Introverts spend a lot of time alone and dislike social interactions because they are often in deep thought and are analysing the world around them. That's not to say they dislike people, they are selectively social and choose who to spend time with, usually like-minded people and fellow introverts.

The biggest issue, particularly in the workplace, is that extroverts treat them like broken extroverts that need bringing out of their shell and chastise them for being lazy (don't do this, by the way). If someone wants to engage in small talk, let them, don't force them, otherwise they'll become much more withdrawn.

Let them do their work without distraction. If that bothers you as someone who believes being a social butterfly enhances career prospects, well.... tough.

The fact that you can't imagine why social interaction between colleagues might increase productivity and enhance team performance doesn't actually invalidate the extensive research which demonstrates this.

"Good morning" achieves that acknowledgement surely?

Yes! Tell them this!

Not everyone wants to engage in those kind of 'unofficial social contracts' and I think since covid, a lot of people, myself included don't think it should be necessary to do our jobs.

@BeAmberMember you make working relationships sound so cold and transactional. There is a middle ground between being cold and robotic to the point of only saying "good morning" and "goodnight" and being the office chatterbox.

Being pleasant and polite goes a long way to oil the wheels of society. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Being friendly with your colleagues (in my case workmates) just makes life so much easier. You don't have to make unnecessary small talk, but just be approachable and don't close people off if they ask how you are or whether you had a good weekend.

I didn't realise people were expected to be best buddies with work mates.

No, they aren't. Being pleasant and polite goes a long way to make the workplace a nicer place.

As an introvert, who took about 5-10 years to fully get the hang of small talk,

That's not what being an introvert is. Introverts like spending time with people, but they need time on their own to re-energise.

I do my job and go home. I’ve got no desire to make friends or talk about anything personal.

It must be absolutely exhausting to spend so much time being so negative about life and work like this. I don't go to work to make friends, but work is so much more pleasant when you work in an agreeable atmosphere.

There are so many typical mumsnet responses on this thread from posters who just hate any kind of social interaction and are completely lacking in social skills. Surely, it only takes a minimal amount of emotional intelligence to realise that being unfriendly and cold with your fellow workers makes for an unpleasant atmosphere at work.

If you can't bear to be part of a team in an office then maybe you should get a job where you can work from home.

You dont have to socialise outside of work. I dont. But building good relationships in work is important. Show an interest in your colleagues even if you aren't really interested.
Ask about their families, holidays, kids, pets etc.
Most of us dont care too much really but it does make for a better work place.

I said I couldn't imagine being bothered.

I know people exist who do actually complain their colleagues dont show them enough attention and try to blame that for their poor performance.

So instead of dealing with that you're unkind to grown women? Just be friendly ffs. You're probably seen as hostile by them, I certainly don't feel welcome around women who can't even fake kindness

And it’ll help you enjoy work more as well if you try to be a bit more social with your colleagues too. You don’t need to be best mates with them all or spend all your breaks with them, but the odd lunch or coffee helps break up the day too and it’s nice to be able to switch off occasionally.

It acknowledges the person, but not their absence from work.

Yup, and it makes it easier to ask for support if you need to delegate a task, get something QA’d or whatever…people are happier to help if you’re approachable yourself.

OK, but the fact that you're not bothered is totally irrelevant.

The manager is likely to be bothered about productivity and team performance.

This isn't about individual preferences or the excuses that individuals might make for their poor performance. It's about academic studies of the characteristics of high performing teams.

Well i do chat sometimes throughout the day but none of is the chiched 'girl talk' it is food, tv etc. but yes I am there to work i am sick of this girl thing, yes I am female that is where it ends

I got told off once by a male manger and compared negatively to other women in senior roles because I don’t like to chat about hair, make up or clothes. ‘Could you not just compliment someone’s shoes sometimes like x does?’ I have no interest in fashion or shoes so I never noticed. I filed that feedback under ‘patriarchal crap’ and carried on as I am. I will chat on other topics in a friendly way to male and female coworkers but I cannot feign interest in Love Island or beauty brands.

Oh absolutely - Love Island and beauty brands hold no interest for me either. Otoh, I did a bit of bonding with my fellow grumps recently on the subject of Christmas inventions that should be banned forthwith. Brrr Boxes, anyone? No, I didn't know about them either - but it's those kind of conversations that help oil teams imo.