As a woman, you can’t just go to work and go home 🙄.

[joseline]

i recently got my graphic design job months ago and I really like the job so far.

i have been working for 8 months.

but a week ago, I got called out by my manager who is also a woman because I don’t interact with other coworkers other then good morning or have a good evening. I only talk to them about the work at hand but I never have small talks, I never have lunch with them. I do my job and go home.

my boss called me out because, a woman coworker recently came out after being on leave. I don’t know why and I do not care. It’s not my business. When she came back I didn’t welcome her cheerfully. I said good morning to her like everyone else. And it’s not like this coworker has no work friends, I basically got called out because I am not kissing her ass.

i am not the only one who have gone through those petty dramas over nothing.

my women cousins told me stories of other women at various jobs they worked at starting ridiculous conflicts because they just did their job and went home and didn’t wanna be buddy buddy with their women coworkers.

I am starting to think that there is a ridiculous unspoken rule of being a girl’s girl and you’ll a social outcast when you refuse to be in a clique.

I understand there are cases of women getting harassed by men at work but in my personal experience whenever I’ve had any sort of beef with coworkers, it’s always been other women. The men always left me alone.

are me and my cousins the only ones who experienced those phenomenons ?

You sound quite rude as well as sexist. My male coworkers are much friendlier than you.

Genuinely curious as to why you'd need a boundary around saying "yes thanks, weather was lovely/shame about the rain, how about you?" when asked if you'd had a nice weekend for example. You can have a social chit chat without disclosing anything private surely? Perhaps my life is particularly mundane, but I could tell a colleague I'd mowed the lawn, been to IKEA and had dinner with my friend from school without feeling I'd overshared.

But this sounds like a you problem ie you’re acting as if it’s the same people & judging your current colleagues by the people you came across in previous jobs.

How is wishing everyone a good morning and a good evening ‘cold’? It’s pleasant, polite and perhaps perfunctory. But not cold.

There's a lot of posters who are very sure that good employees 'know' they need to invest in the social side of things. I equally know some really excellent neuro diverse employees who do a huge amount of work and contribute to their team that way. We all bring something to the table. Suggesting that the only way to be an excellent or even acceptable employee is by fulfilling the unseen curriculum is pretty tone deaf in this day and age.

How to make a mockery of disabled people.
So when someone actually ND generally doesn’t understand social cues and explains their disability people will say oh yeah that excuse.

I agree, I've read about a graphic designer being told off for not being welcoming to a newly-returned colleague before as well.

Exactly.

I don't socialise with colleagues outside of work at all, but I'm quite happy to share a bit of personal information here and there... within my own boundaries, of course, so I never share anything sensitive.

One of my colleagues is extremely private and chooses to share no personal details at all. And it's fine, because they are able to engage in polite conversation while maintaining their personal privacy. It really isn't difficult.

Being pleasant and civil is one thing but too many people consider it "not making an effort" when you don't share their particular mode of small talk.

I was once told I wasn't making an effort to join in, except the small talk in this (all-female) office was entirely diet chat and prying into everyone else's dating life. I've known men who were subtly excluded from their teams because they weren't into football. To me, the people not making an effort were the original teams enforcing a very rigid, conformist set of socialising rules.

Previous thread from Dec last year, has been linked to above.

I agree with the PP who said it is a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding not liking women and them in turn it being nice back.

I wfh full time and miss the office chat. There is a social contract and it can be useful if you need a favour or to rely on the kindness of others

I once got the shock of my life when my first boss asked me what I'd done at the weekend and I said I'd gone clubbing at Fabric (I was 24 and into techno music), and he responded "ooh I bet you took some of those little pills!" Which I had, but obviously it was not the kind of thing I wanted him to know!

In retrospect he was obviously the sort of man who was no stranger to little pills himself.

To be honest I have mixed opinions on this, I went through a terrible experience at work that may end up at an employment tribunal (ie seriously fucked up) - so believe me when I say I understand that you were bullied before at work and how bad that can get.

However I don’t try to judge my new employer by what I went through before. It’s hard but for your own sake more than anything, you have to move on. It does you no good to be in that headspace.

It’s like a man who was cheated on in the past and then becomes wildly controlling in his next relationship; It’s valid for him to want to protect himself after being cheated on but it’s not fair for his new/unrelated partner to bear the brunt of that. Just like, it’s not fair on your new colleagues to be given the cold shoulder cause you’re assuming they’re as bad as your old colleagues?

Beyond that, companies can validly want to cultivate a work culture/environment and someone whose personality doesn’t fit is a valid concern. You simply might not be a good fit with that team? Plus, I think someone coming back to work is fairly major, whilst I might not make a big deal about that, I’d definitely acknowledge it even if to say “nice to see you again”. I went off sick when I was with my last employer due to the stress and little things like that, can help others feel included.

This - it is very common to be asked by your manager to work on building team relationships. It’s not ‘being called out’ it’s being given feedback from a manager where they are asking you to try to work on your interpersonal skills as being so distant means you are unapproachable and people are reluctant to work with you on projects.

Op you need to work on this or you will find yourself being let go/made redundant one day because you are impacting team morale and efficiency.

As stated, I'm ND myself.

Over the years, I've employed quite a lot of ND people. Including quite a lot on the autistic spectrum. And yes, some of them might sometimes struggle with aspects of social interaction, but from what I've observed, these individuals are not the ones who simply can't be arsed to make an effort with colleagues.

I’m sociable but not everyone is and if people don’t want to socialise out of work I just don’t care. But the lack of interaction would have you coming across as stand offish and aloof.

I get that your manager basically just wants you to be more approachable but it's a ridiculous ask. You're doing your job. No one should be allowed to police how sociable you are during breaks from said job .
My colleague and friend once got called out for not reacting properly to a retirement announcement. Apparently, the fact that she didn't miss a beat in eating her salad at lunch when it was announced, looked very bad. She didn't even know the woman! 🙄

I don't agree. Op is a graphic designer, which I imagine means working on one's own quite a bit. She doesn't say that she doesn't interact with her colleagues - presumably she has to in meetings etc. Some people aren't good at small talk. I really hate it, but I have always loved my work and it gives me a lot to talk about. I am not really interested in talking about anything else with my colleagues. There is no need to. I am not all that interested in them having babies, or getting married or their children's GCSE results or whatever. Surely they have real friends for that?

If that comes across as robotic I really don't care. How the fuck can management call her out for that?

So she moves companies quite a lot, doesn't she! 10 months last December, 8 months this December, and the same schtick.

I don't agree with OP that women display more bullying behaviour than men. If I had to generalise I would say that men are really nice to you in the workplace until you get promoted above them. If that happens all hell can break loose and the women's "bullying" will look like child's play.

And that's fine. You don't have to care.

But equally, your managers don't have to view you as a team player if you can't be arsed to make a basic effort with your colleagues.

I think the point pp are making here is that you can be polite, friendly and professional without getting deeply involved. One day a woman who left the office pregnant came in with her baby. I have little interest in children, having made a decision to be childfree. However it did not hurt me to greet the erstwhile colleague and make a couple of en passant remarks about the child, before returning to my work. While I did not stand coo-ing over the baby as some others did I had made the gesture and no one could claim I had ignored her. There is a difference between minimal politeness and sharing personal details with co-workers.

Exactly.

Agreed - so much of ND support is about scaffolding them in social situations. I’m AuDHD (now diagnosed) as are both my children. My DS and I are very ‘extrovert’ so embrace social situations with gusto - often too much - and have learned to modify our behaviour or to apologise when we mess up. My DD is very introverted and finds it excruciating navigating all this stuff - her dream job is mainly WFH or maybe the civil service as there are lots of ND people there across the extra/introvert spectrum!

OP sounds deliberately self-isolating, possibly justifiably given her bullying experiences. I’d encourage her to have some counselling and to just work on being less stand-offish at work. She doesn’t need to go out to the pub after work, but joining her team for lunch once a fortnight is a small step she could make.

? Graphic designers don’t work in a silo. OP wouldn’t be whipping up graphics on her own accord, she would have to follow the brief set by other colleagues and iterate, seek approval, check requirements etc. OP might work alone when physically in the software. But the end to end process will involve others.