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Original poster

AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

201 replies

rosieandbing · 16/10/2024 12:23

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

OP posts:
inneedofaglowup · 16/10/2024 12:25

There's a lot you can do here. Change your office days sporadically and last minute or somehow without him knowing. Tell him you have to stop somewhere on your way home so you're not going that way. Tell him your partner is not comfortable with giving lifts home.

LightDrizzle · 16/10/2024 12:25

If it’s easier for him to ask by text, then it’s luckily easier for you to reply by text and avoid waffling. Just reply: “Sorry, no.”

SunshineAndFizz · 16/10/2024 12:26

If you don't want to say no, just make up an excuse like you've got somewhere to be after work and not going straight home.

CameronStrike · 16/10/2024 12:26

Make up an exercise class that you are going to on the way home a couple of times a week?
I would hate this too but would feel mean if I was going literally right past his house.

SerenaWaldorf · 16/10/2024 12:27

I think i'd "join a gym" in the opposite direction and be going there on the way home.

TheFlis · 16/10/2024 12:28

How does he get to and from the office the rest of the time?

Ah just noted it’s train. Just say no you’re not going directly home.

Grepes · 16/10/2024 12:28

This is so much easier that he is texting you. Just reply, ‘sorry I can’t tonight’. No need to give an excuse, keep repeating until he gets the message.

Teenagerantruns · 16/10/2024 12:28

Tell him you can only take him on one day a week, pick a day and stick to it. Presumably he gets a train and walks when you are on holiday? You don't need to give a reason, just say it's only one day a week from now on.
If you don't want to take him at all just say no every time he asks.

BIWI · 16/10/2024 12:29

Grepes · 16/10/2024 12:28

This is so much easier that he is texting you. Just reply, ‘sorry I can’t tonight’. No need to give an excuse, keep repeating until he gets the message.

This is perfect.

easylikeasundaymorn · 16/10/2024 12:31

....say no?
There really isn't any magic alternative answer
He (reasonably) would prefer to get a lift than get the train
You (reasonably) prefer your quiet time.

He's not going to stop asking so the only way you will end up not giving him a lift is if you say no. Up to you whether you are honest and say sorry you like your quiet time, which he will have to accept but also in all honesty be a bit annoyed about, or if you try a white lie -sorry I need to do the shopping on the way back, sorry I'm going to the gym, sorry meeting up with a friend after work etc.

You could try changing your office hours so you come in later or whatever but chances are he will just work around you as him sitting around in the warm for half an hour is still easier and more convenient than getting the train

MissPeaches · 16/10/2024 12:31

LightDrizzle · 16/10/2024 12:25

If it’s easier for him to ask by text, then it’s luckily easier for you to reply by text and avoid waffling. Just reply: “Sorry, no.”

People on MN always say to do this at least you didn't trot out that old "no is a complete sentence" chestnut but I have never encountered anyone in real life who would respond to a friendly colleague this way. It will almost certainly be taken as rude, whether you mean it that way or not. A white lie about stopping somewhere after work costs nothing and makes the whole exchange more comfortable all around.

midgetastic · 16/10/2024 12:35

If someone decides that the reply of sorry no is rude then they were very rude to ask in the first place

In fact it's not a question text , it's a demand - which is always rude to make of other s

Women in particular tend to have very daft ideas of what is rude and that constrains them to be mugs

CoffeeBeansGalore · 16/10/2024 12:35

He didn't take the job on the understanding that you would be his taxi service as and when he wanted. As others have said, text back no I can't tonight/tomorrow/a week next Thursday.
You are not obliged to do anything for him. He is a friendly colleague, not your responsibility.

Is he likely to push as to why? My go to would simply be it's not convenient.

Original poster
rosieandbing · 16/10/2024 12:40

I'm just going to make excuses.
I have hinted in the past and said "do you plan to get a car at some point?"
He has a driving license and says he only got rid of his car to have more money to do his house up.
And after I said that he did stop for a while as I think he took the hint, but he's back asking all the time again, planning his days to match mine arghhh!

So my plan is - say I can't next time I've gotta go shopping.
The following time - I'm meeting a friend
IF there's a third time I'll say sorry I can't tonight, no reason.

And go from there.

I'd like to be upfront with him but I sit next to him in the office and usually on lunch too so I'm not prepared to make it awkward.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 16/10/2024 12:42

keep the excuses in your pocket keep the initial brush out topline

”no can do I’ve got plans this evening. See you tomorrow!”

Vampirette · 16/10/2024 12:44

I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk.
If you don't have the guts to actually speak up for yourself absolutely nothing will change. He will continue to ask you for lifts and you will continue to give them to him. There isn't some kind of magic wand you can wave to make this problem go away...

Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.
So what? You are not obliged to give anyone a lift, whether or not they can be dropped off along a way you are already going. It's your car, your fuel and your time - you don't need any excuse to not want to give someone a lift. You don't want to do it, that's a good enough reason.

Codlingmoths · 16/10/2024 12:46

What’s wrong with getting the train and walking? He decided he’d rather have the money. I get the train and walk. Actually I get my kids ready and drive to school and drop them off and drive to childcare and drop the clingy youngest off then I drive home and grab my work stuff and walk to the station and get the train, so days I just have to get me ready and just get the train and walk feel like a mini holiday.

Noshowlomo · 16/10/2024 12:48

It’s a bit shit he decided he could do without the expense and benefits of car, whilst now using your car! In which you pay the expense!
He decided he wanted to use alternative transport, so let him.

Pumpkincozynights · 16/10/2024 12:48

Does he offer you any any money? Or buy you a gift as a thank you?
Years ago, before I could drive, I got a lift to work with a colleague. I walked to their house for the lift. They refused to take any money from me , so I always bought them a Christmas and birthday present. Plus when they left work I bought them an expensive gift as a thank you.

Time40 · 16/10/2024 12:49

The trouble with making excuses is that he will know they are just that - excuses - and that will make the relationship awkward, as he will realise that he's being lied to. In my opinion, it would be far better to be honest. Just say you're finding all the lifts a bit much because you really value your quiet time on the way home. Tell him you will offer him a lift when you feel like doing so, and then do that - maybe once a month, as you said that worked for you.

SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2024 12:51

There is no magic way to make this not awkward, so I would get the awkward out of the way upfront.

'Hi, Simon, from next week, I won't be able to give you lifts home any more, as my quiet time in the car is really important for my mental wellbeing."

If you make vague 'no, got something on' excuses then he will assume it's fine for him to get a lift when you don't have something on and will keep asking.

FinallyHere · 16/10/2024 12:52

Please do not make excuses.

Excuses just open the path to his finding a way round them. Just say, sorry, I'm not going that direction tonight. And keep on saying it until you can accept the level of lifts that you are comfortable with.

Don't give him anything to argue against.

You may find he will find alternatives when you are no longer endlessly accommodating. While you make it easy, what incentive does he have really to find an alternative.

JFDIYOLO · 16/10/2024 12:55

Say no.

No lying or elaborate stories.

No changing your arrangements to keep away from him.

Find your no and say it.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/10/2024 12:56

Don't lie or make excuses, if he has a problem with a clear honest no then that's his problem.
Frankly it's creepy he arranges his days to match yours even if it is to try and take advantage of a potential lift home.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/10/2024 12:57

Don't give specific reasons. Reply with 'can't today I'm afraid' 'sorry, lots to do' or other vague things. Keep refusing -which is easier by text - and he should get the message that the free ride is over. Has he ever offered you any petrol money, by the way? No, I thought not.