AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

What I would do is get a taxi in to work one day and work out how much it costs to get a taxi to/from work.

Then if he asks again - recommend the taxi firm saying that you've used them yourself when you needed to and they are quite reasonable.

He gave up his car because he wanted to save money but doesn't mind using your car, the wear and tear on your car, your petrol etc. etc. to suit him, so you suit you from here on.

Work Colleague - "Can I get a lift home tonight?"
You - "I'm not going directly home tonight, so no."
or
Work Colleague - "Would I be able to get a lift from you tonight after work?"
You - "Look, I need this time to myself to decompress after a busy week/day/month at work so I think you need to find an alternative transport arrangement for you. I won't be able to give you lifts any more."

Something like that is polite and still says no to the colleague.

Just tell him sorry but you've got some pills to take an hour before your evening meal from now on and they give you revolting flatulism, so it wouldn't be fair on him to have to sit through it.

You’re not responsible for him. I wouldn’t bother with excuses. Just say “no sorry, this arrangement isn’t working for me any more”. What can he say?!

And I've realised as well that he texts me a lot too. Like just wanting to chat .
Also on the days we're WFH he'll teams message me a lot. Usually at 9:05 am just "hey how's you?" It does feel a little bit suffocating.

Okay and now this is going to sound really dodgy but I had a baby last year, so had 6 months off and during that time he reduced his hours to 2 days a week, when I came back his hours went back up again...ahhhh it feels quite disturbing now.

I'm also a bit annoyed that my female manager hasn't picked up on this but she's too busy to notice.

I agree it does feel disturbing.

I'm also a bit annoyed that my female manager hasn't picked up on this but she's too busy to notice.

If one person reduced then increased his days, I would assume he had eg a parent to care for who had moved into a care home, or something. I wouldn’t leap to link the change to changes made by a colleague. But are there other things he is doing?

Stop being so damn passive??

Do you really need folk on the Internet to tell you this guy is a fucking creep?

Are there other people around you or just the two of you sitting near each other. I would get to lunchtime and announce to the room (not facing him) that your brain is frazzled so you're going to get some alone time outside. Ignore any texts completely and if he asks just say you were busy and not looking at your phone, on teams reply that you're busy today but if there's something work related he needs then you can find a few minutes later in the morning.

If he asks if he's done something wrong or gets offended say that you need to be able to concentrate on work, home is super busy and any time that you get in-between work and home is precious to you for the blissful silence.

I think if you've only just realised the scale of the problem, it's a bit rich to expect your manager to have seen it, when most of it is happening outside the office too!

Sounds like he thinks you’re more than friends. It also doesn’t sound like you’ve said anything to dispel this notion. He may well be under the impression you look forward to the lifts home!

This will not stop unless you stop it.

I don't know why you're taking responsibility for any awkwardness: HE'S the one doing weird things, not you (other than not saying no to something you don't want to do). HE'S the one matching his work pattern to yours, lunch breaks etc to yours. HE'S the one conducting a totally unprofessional working relationship. HE'S the one being awkward, can't you see?

And why are you now blaming your manager for not divining this and doing something about it? Why haven't YOU done something about your own situation?

Where is YOUR responsibility for your own situation?

Don't make excuses, you'll feel awkward and guilty and maintaining lies is a complication you don't need to make for yourself. It's not rude or selfish to state your needs and boundaries in a non blaming way. Do you feel able to say something like "I've really enjoyed our catch ups on the way home but I hadn't realised how much I was relying on that alone time to decompress, you know I don't have much chance for that, so I'm going to have to stop giving you a lift/only give you a lift once a week/month"

Edited because I've now read your updates and appreciate you saying you'd feel more comfortable making excuses but you have to start saying no to this guy. Clearly and unequivocally.

I'm also a bit annoyed that my female manager hasn't picked up on this but she's too busy to notice.

It is for you to take ownership of this problem. You need to say No. If you need someone else to manage that, then you need to go and ask for support.

Really wouldn't advise this approach. He sounds clingy/needy and hinting may just enmesh you further if he starts trying to please you. You need to be clear with him.

The lifts were bad enough, but the constant lunchtime follows and the texting indicates that it's getting out of hand and I agree with the poster who said speak to your manager and see if its possible to move desks.
I also think you need to not be afraid of offending him - his behaviour is offending you after all!
It may be innocent on his part but if so he sounds very needy. Its not your job to provide company at lunchtime or save him money by constant lifts. That's happening for two thirds of your working time and that is not on.
I can see your problem, it started out as a small ask, but now the demands are increasing. The problem with being nice about it is that it may not be clear enough to get him to back off and the demands will increase. It seems like the situation has got to the point where something has got to give. I have always found its really hard to do, but an enormous relief when you do. The fact that he might take offence is a risk, but actually works in your favour.

To be fair you don't appear to have realised there was a bigger issue until you started posting so not sure why you think your manager should have?
Can you swap office days? I would speak to manager and highlight you feel colleague is suffocating so that if he then tries to change days also manager has knowledge of the issue.
You seem like you have a good plan re the lifts I think I would do same make sn excuse or 2 that softens the blow/gives him chance to take the hint and if he persists start being more blunt.

I would do this too. Tell him you need the quiet time in the car to decompress from work and adjust to full-on time with your dch.

I know it's difficult. I used to work with someone who lived about 200 metres on past my house. It was shop work so we left at the same time. She used to offer me a lift home if the weather was awful but otherwise she would just say no, sorry, and I'd have to wait for the bus. (I didn't drive.) She never gave me a reason. (She was single, no kids, like me.) It did affect our working relationship because I couldn't see how it put her out at all. But I think I would've understood if she'd been in your situation and explained about needing the time to herself.

Grepes has got it - just keep it very short and simple.

Okay, so I've just checked the team holiday calender and he's booked off the week of half term, which is when I am off.
It might be a coincidence but still, and he has no kids.

A PP is right, I shouldn't expect my manager to notice when it's only just occurring to me.

I would ignore his next text. He’s being absolutely cheeky.

When he next messages you - reply with

“Hi Bob (whoever) I’m actually very busy with my workload at the moment so going forwards can you please only contact me about work matters”

It's veering into creepy behaviour now, so definitely put a stop to the lifts and be firm at lunchtimes too. You could say you've got to make an important call as you're going to the shop and want privacy. Or ask another colleague to join you first.

I'd be checking his driveway to see if he definitely no longer has a car and that he's not just leaving it at home so you'll give him a lift!

I'd just say "sorry, can't pal" but I can appreciate it's not always easy to be blunt, and as women were almost conditioned to appease other people so for most of us it's not second nature to be so direct. "Personal stuff" is usually something that doesn't invite a lot of questions so I'd send a text similar to the one below:

"Hi Steve, I'm going to need you to sort alternative transport for the foreseeable future. Got a few bits on with the kids straight from work coupled with some other personal stuff, I need the time between work and home to make some personal phone calls etc. X"

The thing is you’ve not said a single thing about any of it.
people are jumping to “he’s a creep” but I had a colleague who I was like this with (minus the lifts, but we got the train together most days, and lunch etc - if you’ve not given any indication at all that you’re uncomfortable this simply looks like good “work friends”.

Many moons ago I used to give a colleague a lift to and from work until he told me that the reason he didn't drive in was because he didn't want to put the miles on his car.....

I'm with you; I'd find that really suffocating. When are you supposed to have a minute to yourself?

It doesn't give you the chance to make other friends at work, either.

Do you have to stick to the same three days for childcare purposes?

I would say I was going to a gym but I think he'd want to go with you!