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AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

201 replies

rosieandbing · 16/10/2024 12:23

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2024 17:17

Maurepas · 16/10/2024 17:09

Tell him you have limited insurance regarding a third party in the vehicle if there's an accident - or some such complicated nonsense.

Definitely don’t do this, it’s an obvious lie,

HelplessSoul · 16/10/2024 17:19

Maurepas · 16/10/2024 17:09

Tell him you have limited insurance regarding a third party in the vehicle if there's an accident - or some such complicated nonsense.

Thats just (fucking) stupid "advice".

SMH.

Negangirlxx · 16/10/2024 17:50

Just say “sorry, I can’t”.
Most people wouldn’t press for a reason, and if you give an excuse, then he might just think you’re making stuff up.

Ljbeats · 16/10/2024 18:32

Maybe I've misunderstood the post. I thought it was just a case of you wanted some alone time in the car on the way home but there's posts about involving HR and changing seats and lunchbreaks etc. I gave my opinion based on him being a work pal and u didn't want to cause offence but if you're feeling stalked then I wouldn't worry about niceties and be more direct.

easylikeasundaymorn · 16/10/2024 19:51

Maurepas · 16/10/2024 17:09

Tell him you have limited insurance regarding a third party in the vehicle if there's an accident - or some such complicated nonsense.

he's an adult man holding down a job - he's going to understand this is complete crap. Otherwise how would anyone ever give someone a lift?
not owning a car doesn't equal complete idiot

independencefreedom · 16/10/2024 20:01

wiesowarum · 16/10/2024 16:52

Sorry, I can't.
Sorry, no.
Not tonight.
Unfortunately not.

If this person is a friend then maybe a chat along the lines of 'I don't mind giving you the odd lift, but I'd prefer it not to be a regular thing. I like doing the drive home on my own and don't really want a regular car share. Hope you understand.'

This. You've been saying yes, you say he's a friend - just be honest with him for god's sake! Say that you're sorry but you'll have to cut back on the lifts as you feel like you really need time alone after the work day and before getting home to busy/noisy family life. Emphasise how you can feel a bit crowded at work and sometimes you want to be alone at lunch, and you've started feeling like you'd definitely like to be alone driving home. Just make it clear, succinct and not hurtful.

independencefreedom · 16/10/2024 20:02

Oh - and maybe people on MN love dreaming up outlandish excuses, but there should be no need to - if he's a friend you must be slightly fond of him, so don't insult his intelligence, just tell the truth and recalibrate your friendship a little so you don't feel so claustrophobic about him.

Jammylou · 16/10/2024 21:32

I've experienced this and felt the same. Apart from it was taking me a longer route home.
I started making excuses such as about going to see my friend on the way home and it was in a different direction or I was going to the shops, or Yoga or to see my son etc, etc.
Eventually got the message and now no longer asks.
Sometimes you have to do what's right for you not others

Newuser75 · 16/10/2024 21:44

Could you say your childcare plans have changed so you now need to go in a different direction to pick them up?

QuietInTheLibrary · 16/10/2024 21:49

I would be direct and be prepared that the work friendship may change, and that’s good because you will have more time for you!

I would say to his face in passing, “Hey Steve, just letting you know I’m dialling back the lifts. Can’t keep giving lifts home, sorry mate. If you have time to grab a coffee sometime next week for a tea break, I’m happy to catch up, just need my lunch breaks to myself also, got lots on - mum stuff probably really boring. I’ve got to run, have a deadline!”

You have no obligation to further explain and you can stop talking to him, can walk away and stop texting. This guy obviously wants a ‘mummy figure’ in his life. I find him organising himself around your timetable is too much. I would have snapped long ago!

Hadalifeonce · 16/10/2024 21:53

Don't offer excuses, just say sorry, can't give you a lift tonight.
And repeat.........

Serene135 · 16/10/2024 21:55

I used to work with someone like this who took advantage. At first she used to ask me if I could give her a lift home (it was slightly out of my way but I didn’t mind every now and then). Then her requests become more frequent but each time she asked I took her home. I found out one day that she was talking unkindly about me to others even though I was frequently giving her free lifts home so I decided to stop. Even though I told her that I would no longer be giving her lifts she would follow me out of work and to my car (sometimes I didn’t realise she was behind me). I would not take her home. On one occasion she followed me out of work and when I unlocked my car she just jumped in (I didn’t even know she was behind me). had to ask her to get out before informing her again that I would not be giving her any more lifts home. She got the message eventually. Unfortunately some people take advantage of others!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 16/10/2024 22:01

Just say you've moved house!

JFDIYOLO · 17/10/2024 11:31

He arranges his days in to be around you

He waits around to be at lunch with you

He assumes lifts will be available with you.

He is monopolising your time and attention, and seems to think this is ok, and to expect it from you.

All this together suggests he is making a great effort to be with you because he has formed a fixation with you - and these can turn bad.

It's been going on for a while and has become a habit, the norm, for him.

Women are socialised to be kind, be nice, be quiet, be accommodating.

You need to speak to him clearly about this.

Do it by email if you need to.

Explain you don't feel comfortable spending so much time with him, that you require him to give you space.

Arrange things that show you mean what you say - lunch arrangements with other colleagues, work days that suit you, WFH if you want to. Concrete control over what you do with your time rather than stories.

Then if it persists, you can go to HR with the evidence you had told him no.

It's a shame if HR would require you to have had the courage to deal with the difficult situation first, because so many don't have that, and end up in unpleasant circumstances.

rosieandbing · 18/10/2024 08:48

So I've come into work today and I know he's going to ask for a lift.
My response will be "I can't today sorry!" And no explanation or giving of information, nothing, he'll have to accept it and if he asks why I will say "I can't say". I don't think he will dare ask why but I will report back later!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 18/10/2024 08:49

Good luck. That’s a good holding answer.

Consider going to the loo at 1155 and going straight from there to get lunch as well!

Deadhouseplant · 18/10/2024 08:56

It sounds like he fancies you OP. I think a quiet word with your manager about changing your office days will help. If you have a female manager, she should understand and discretely arrange for him to be in the office in other days.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/10/2024 09:03

Well done OP!
This man is giving me creepy vibes. Like other PP have said it’s not just about the lift, it is someone who is clearly angling to spend time with you any time he can and not in a natural way - he’s organising his time and work around when you are in.
I would take a step back from him completely and I would also speak to my manager.
Technically he’s not doing anything ‘wrong’ but he’s a CF. Anyone who expects regular lifts without even offering something towards petrol is taking the piss. The using their own wages to invest in their home and not buy a car - they are a gold star CF.
This man is getting away with his behaviours because you are allowing him to and I’m not judging because I’ve done the same.
Good luck today!

BIWI · 18/10/2024 09:04

But why should she have to be discreet? This is the classic #BeKind that women are conditioned to obey.

This guy is overstepping the mark - possibly not deliberately, although it's hard not to believe he doesn't know he's doing this.

creamcheeseandlox · 18/10/2024 09:12

Sounds like he is just doing all he possibly can to stay friends as he knows he has a guaranteed free taxi service. He doesn't want to piss you off at all as you may withdraw the lift...but he is being so suffocating that that is exactly what he is doing without knowing it. He sounds needy and smothering and I would be knocking it on the head and distancing myself from him asap. You need to just start saying "sorry that arrangement doesn't work for me anymore" and leave it at that if he asks why just say "it's none of your business". Wearing headphones at lunchtime is always a good Indicator to others that you want some time for yourself as well.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 18/10/2024 09:12

He sounds a bit (lot) creepy.. Emphasise how much your dh goes to the gym.......

fruitbrewhaha · 18/10/2024 09:24

He does sound like a total creep. I agree with pp to distance yourself entirely from him.

MrsGlennBulb · 18/10/2024 09:28

I wouldn’t say I can’t today, that makes it sound like normal service will resume after today.

Deadhouseplant · 18/10/2024 09:36

BIWI · 18/10/2024 09:04

But why should she have to be discreet? This is the classic #BeKind that women are conditioned to obey.

This guy is overstepping the mark - possibly not deliberately, although it's hard not to believe he doesn't know he's doing this.

She has to be discreet because she needs to continue working with him. I’m not saying be kind, I’m saying be professional.

BrightGreenLeaves · 18/10/2024 09:41

Oh he does sound like he fancies you. So you’ll need to stop it. Same with lunches. Tell him you’ve got errands to do