AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

Gosh he does sound like he’s very attached to you!
can you tell him you haven’t been feeling great and you are now doing some podcasts in the car to help with your wellbeing? Say you need some space and it’s the only free time you get before going home so you have found this podcast that you are doing and it works for you on the car.

Also, if you have a partner could they come in and have lunch with you? Or could you meet them at lunch one day? This may make him step back!

I think he's attached to the idea of having a lift from you every day, OP, I don't read your posts and interpret them as him having feelings for you, it's everything to do with the lifts.

Would it be so terrible to say to him that with effect from x date, he will need to make his own way to work/home again? That lifts with you are no longer an option? If you give him a grace period of a day or two or even a week that may give you some comfort that you've given him notice. He can drive; he can get a car if he chooses.

I think you're putting yourself through a world of anguish for absolutely nothing. You can politely and effectively bring a halt to this if you want to. It doesn't need a trip to your manager either; I think they may take a dim view of that - that a simple conversation needs management intervention. It really doesn't.

Once the lifts stop his interest in you will stop, because it wasn't there. He's using you for lifts.

Bite the bullet and give a simple statement that from this point (whatever that is), he will need to find his own transportation. You don't even have to say 'no more lifts', just put the onus on him to find his transportation method.

I wouldn't bother with the different excuses as he'll not get the hint. And keep asking and its very hard to keep coming up with excuses.

I'd make up a permanent excuse. E.g you have to go to a relatives in the other direction, or pick up your kids or you're doing an evening course

How did things go today, @rosieandbing ?

Only converse with him about work, no polite chats.
I winced when you remarked to him that he was quick getting a sandwich, probably thought you had missed him. Whereas truthfully for you, it was maybe too soon.

I think making excuses will actually be more awkward as he gradually realises what’s going on. I think you need to decide if it’s no more lifts ever or I don’t mind once a week/fortnight/month. Then you need to talk to him and be honest. Preface with ‘This is a bit awkward but…. It’s getting difficult for me giving you lifts all the time. I really need my quiet time to decompress before I get home. I’m afraid I can’t give you any more lifts/ I’m happy to give you a lift once a fortnight (say).’

So I don't work Mondays so today is my first day back in the office.

Amazingly he worked Monday in the office and today from home, plus my day at home is tomorrow, so that means we won't cross paths until Thursday.

I have a feeling the lunch situation on Friday and my disapproving facial expressions gave him a bit of a hint because he hasn't not worked my office days for months now. So I think the situation may have resolved itself slightly for now which I'm very pleased about. Also means I can have lunch on my own today and I'm sooooo happy about that!

I get what everyone's saying about being upfront with him, and I will be if he continues to ask every week, but our relationship it quite surface level and I don't want to get deep about my need for peace on my drive home etc, I'd rather just make excuses for now!

Fingers crossed, OP - and have your “no” ready for Thursday!

All that sounds good. Maybe he just fancied you and was trying to get to know you more. Now he knows you’re not so keen, he might just back off.

My colleague had to stop giving me lifts home. His wife's first husband had an affair with the colleague he gave lifts to. There was nothing going on between us of course but she didn't like it. Fair enough, no big deal.

I think if your DH/DP 'objects' to you giving your colleague lifts then the problem will go away very swiftly with no hard feelings.

Also means I can have lunch on my own today and I'm sooooo happy about that!

While I hope this is the case, I don't think it will be. Hinting is very unlikely to work with someone who is as persistent as he sounds!

OP, can we have a Thursday update please? I'm interested to know what happening today.

Not the point, I know, but do you think he would be less keen if you asked him for petrol money?

Could you say your insurance doesn’t cover business use?

Have to say I am intrigued too. Can't figure out if he fancies you or is a bit shy and sees you as a companion / work ally

How’s it going @rosieandbing ?

I hope it’s not been an issue for you this week @rosieandbing and he’s got the message.

@rosieandbing how are things now?

So... since I got on the front foot and told him I couldn't give him a a lift when I had to pick up my DC, and then when I gave him a really dirty look when he had lunch next to me in the office just because I was working through lunch (that still pisses me off now), so since then, no requests for lifts since! I am soooo much happier and feel like I can breathe. He does still sometimes accompany up the shop for lunch etc, but generally he's backed off.
So I now don't feel like he's obsessed with me.

Do you know what is the silliest part of it all though, is that I felt guilty when he wasn't asking, why do we do that?? The thing we've wanted not to happen doesn't happen, we then question ourselves over it!?

Because a lot of us have been brought up to be ‘nice’ and to pander to others, usually men!
Well done OP 👏

Glad it’s all sorted.

Obsessed with you? A minute ago you were too shy to tell him you couldn't give him a lift home. Wow! 🤣

Nope, the thread was posted over a month ago, so not “a minute”

And you may benefit from reading all her posts.

HTH.

I’m glad you sorted it.
Thanks for the update.

What do you think his response would be if you asked him for fuel money?