AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

Edited to delete as have just read the updates

Sorry I've just read all the updates. This is really creepy and I would talk to your manager. He needs to back off.

Ew, I’m so glad that you’re pulling back, OP, he’s definitely too into you.

Keep refusing the lifts and try to keep out of his way -can you go to lunch with someone’s that you’re not alone with him?

Oh my goodness lady! Your life will be so much better when you learn to be more assertive - and as a mother, you are going to need that skill, so might as well start to practice it NOW.

"Look Tristan, I'm missing my alone time in my car. As a mum with a full time career it's one of the only times that I'm alone and it helps me to unwind. I'm going to need to reclaim that alone time. I know you'll understand."

"Yeah, it was a bit weird that you skipped lunch when I did."

"Actually I need to be alone to decompress this lunch break. See you back in the office later."

And HEADPHONES. You don't have to be listening to anything, they just signal that you're not available to talk. If he talks to you, you can safely ignore him if you are wearing them. If he insists, pull the headphones off, say "hmm?" answer him briefly and put them straight back on. Repeat ad nauseum. Use your words if you need to: "Actually dickhead, I need to concentrate on my work right now."

I have hinted in the past and said "do you plan to get a car at some point?"
He has a driving license and says he only got rid of his car to have more money to do his house up.

He's chosen to not have a car so that he can spend money on his biggest financial asset. If he wants a car, he will get a car. So you can stop feeling sorry for him when he gets the train and walks.

Tell him you've started going to the gym after work

To women only sessions, so he doesn’t try and join up!

No, because he could decide he also might start going to the gym, and probably will.

I worked in an office once that tried to take everyone's info about where they lived and their working hours and literally enforce car pooling to be entitled to a parking space. Shudder.

I had a boss “volunteer” me to drive someone to and from work on a regular basis as I supposedly “went that way” - I didn’t. I had spoken to her privately about how he had been sending me increasingly creepy emails (work email addresses)… and dropping by my desk to make comments on my appearance and ask personal questions about my private life. I made it very clear I did not welcome any of this and she told me he was “Just being friendly.” I forwarded a copy of my his emails, my diary notes and her statement that I would be driving him in my own vehicle and altering my route to do so - not just minimising my complaints (backed up with evidence and witnesses) but backing right over them with a bulldozer. I also copied relevant HR policies on workplace harassment and their company and legal responsibilities to protect me. They were pretty quick to jump on this and move him and my boss on and I was moved up and across shortly too.

Or quite possibly you're not, he just thinks you're friends and you've not really given any sign you're not.
In fact, you've gone from saying I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend to deciding you suddenly ARE the meaning for his job in 2 days.
Fair enough, he's asking for lifts more often, but people trying to make things more convenient for themselves is more common than someone you previously felt was a friend becoming obsessed with you.
Your ideas about his feelings for you are escalating at quite a rate and possibly being egged on by strangers on MN who like a good story.
Maybe your female manager hasn't noticed anything because there's nothing to notice? She's in a better position to notice a problem than posters here who are only getting your side of the story.

Exactly this!

Good on yer @Fraaahnces , and shame on them for putting you through that.

The best advice I ever heard was ‘no is a complete sentence’. However, you can be polite and by text and say proactively before he messages…”morning, I’m afraid I’m going to be unable to give any more lifts going forward. I have some personal stuff going on, so it’s not going to be possible. Thanks for your understanding.”
DO NOT SAY SORRY AT ANY POINT! We, as women, are always bloody apologising. You have nothing to apologise for.
If he asks why, repeat the above - personal stuff!!!!!
DONE x

I know you think you're trying to be kind OP but I think the kindest thing is to tell him straight up you can't do lifts anymore. He's clearly not good at hints so he'll be wondering if he's upset you, getting anxious etc and you already feel those things yourself! You could both be a lot clearer and less anxious quicker if you just say it.

Reading your updates I think he's introverted and socially anxious, and sees you as his safe friend at work rather than a creepy predator. That's still a burden on you but another reason why I think directness is your friend here.

I'd keep my phone in my bag & not see his text & waltz off home.
I'd also be saying no, I've other plans today.

Or do some maths and say
Fred this seems to be becoming a regular thing. I've done some maths and think £5 (or whatever) is a fair contribution to the lift so are you OK with that moving forwards?

Honestly OP I think you're going to have to make it awkward. This really needs dealing with immediately.

Tell your manager that he is making you very uncomfortable indeed - tell her everything including him dropping hours while you were on mat leave.

Don't tell her that you've only just put two and two together, just say that you've felt unable to act thus far because it would make working together so awkward and you are an anxious person.

See how she responds - to me, the fact that he dropped his hours indicates that this is really serious and she would look very bad if she ignored it.

I think you need to go in hard - a bit like you have to square up to bullies in a serious way in order to get them off your back. If you don't escalate it rapidly he will have time to become resentful and possibly (sorry to freak you out but I mean it) dangerous. He needs kicking down right now.

Speak to manager. He could just be ND

I'd go with EPankhurt's suggestion "Look Tristan, I'm missing my alone time in my car. As a mum with a full time career it's one of the only times that I'm alone and it helps me to unwind. I'm going to need to reclaim that alone time. I know you'll understand."

Then you have told him and you don't have to keep repeating your no which will be far easier. Rip the plaster off in one go rather than having to slowly peel it off daily.

If you have got a partner OP you could just say that the lifts and the amount of time spent together in work is making your partner uncomfortable so you are going to have to create some distance and stop the lifts. No more explanations are necessary.

I would send him a text right this minute saying 'just giving you advance warning so you can look up train times, I am no longer able to give you a lift home from work'. Get ahead of it instead of waiting for him to text you.

Also, if he asks why you can no longer give him a lift just say 'family' and leave it at that. Could mean childcare issues, your husband not being happy, you needing space so you are a more relaxed parent, covers a load of issues.

I wouldn’t say that you are drawing back from contact with your colleague because of your husband’s wishes. That could imply to him that you have inappropriate feelings towards him which your husband has noticed.
However, you do need to put a bit of distance between you and your colleague. At best he seems over reliant on your work place friendship.
I would be finding ways to be less pally with him whilst retaining a professional relationship.
It’s such a nuisance when just being a naturally polite, friendly woman leads to difficulties with male colleagues. You have my commiserations- good luck!

Don't say this! The implication is then that you're happy with it, but your partner is the one that isn't! Could push this in entirely the wrong direction and give him strange ideas about your partner.

Good advice!