AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

I think this is a fair point. As youve said you didn't mind the occasional lift and you enjoyed having that time to chat- he might legitimately think you are fine with it. Its completely foreign to my experience - I agree with your decompression/alone time - but there are lots of people who absolutely hate being on their own and would prefer the company. He might legitimately think "if I had a car I'd much prefer to have a laugh and chat with my mate rather than driving the whole way home on my own." My sister is like this, she'll always ring someone to talk if there's nobody actually in the car with her so she would genuinely be happy to offer someone a lift to chat at them!

Because you're not going out of your way to take him he might honestly not think he is being a CF at all because he's not costing you any time or money. Whether he does just see you as a friend or has a more romantic interest, he's not necessarily being unreasonable in wanting to spend time with you - in my hybrid office it's the norm for people to check with their friends to see what day/s they will be in and co-ordinate.

Again this doesn't mean you are in the wrong for feeling a bit suffocated BUT if you've given him no indication that you feel it's a bit too much he's not necessarily being a huge creep or a cheeky fucker for wanting to spend time with someone he considers to be a close friend. I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to try a few "sorry I'm not going that way" hints at first to see what happens if that's your preference and then escalate if he doesn't get it.

I agree.

From the sound of it you have given him no indication you aren’t just work friends.

You need to give a firm brush off to lifts, lunches and messaging. If he attempts to follow you tell him you want to spend lunch alone for the peace and quiet. He will almost certainly respond but offering to listen to whatever is bothering you - again be firm and say no and that you want time alone away from the office and work people.

If you really can’t then have a word with your manager about being put on separate dates in the office.

I think you have a significantly bigger problem than just a man who has been taking the piss somewhat in asking for repeated lifts. I understand why ou don't want to be direct with him, but I'd suggest you should definitely find excuses and start distancing yourself. I'm afraid to say that there's at least a 50% chance that if you do that things might escalate and you might have to take things further.

Lunch time - as others have suggestd, get head phones out or whatever. Or as you're heading off say, "I'm just going to take the gap to call my friend/DH/sister". To lifts, "Sorry, not going that way today." etc.

But be alert and ready to escalate it to your manager immediately if necessary.

OK so you need to deal with this as a workplace issue and must get the management involved. The holidays thing is a concern. He needs to work in a different part of the office for a start.

I think you should let your manager know now, not accusing him of anything but saying that you are finding its getting a bit full on, but say that you are going to deal with it... especially since he's booked half term off too and changed his hours to your working days.

That way, she will be aware of the situation and will be mindful not to always put you together. Could you also change one of your days?

This could just be about saving money by having free lifts but I think that does suggest an element of CF. But he also wants to take up all your time and attention which is becoming a nuisance.

I also liked the suggestion of a pp to invite some female colleagues to lunch and spending time with some of them.

If it was me I would make it an ongoing excuse so that the asking just stops or keeps the lifts to 1 day a week. Something like a yoga class or spin class or dropping in on.a relative to help with something a couple of days a week for the foreseeable future.

It's easy to say just tell him straight but sitting next to him every day and breaks...I'd tell the white lie.

Oh yes... and get your DH to come to the office to take you to lunch one day as "a surprise" if at all possible.

Tell him to start paying his share of petrol and running costs.

I'd say that you can't give lifts on certain days because you're going shoping/to the gym/popping into a friend's. Make yourself unavailable. He'll soon change his days.

You're expecting him to take hints. You're expecting your manager to notice.

What about you? Take ownership of your part to play in this. Not in a blame yourself way, but in a taking control of the situation way.

You're not happy with what's going on, you feelings are valid so do some thing about it.

You have a voice, use it.

This is way more than lifts, definitely knock those on the head under the circumstances.

'Not tonight Johnny'.

No need to give a reason why.

Say no. Going other way tonight. Going to the gym. Meeting friend in opposite direction. Whatever.
a colleague of mine once asked for a lift as walking out door and I agreed as it wasn’t putting me out. I was happy to help but then it became an expectation. My hours are flexible I can stay late and build hours and he can’t. I just told him this and that was the end of it

Er no. Do you actually enjoy his company at all? It does sound very strange bus behaviour. I really would mention this to your manager. Ask to be sat somewhere else as a first point. Do you need to state your office days on your calendar ? How does he know you’re going to be in? Try not to let on when you’ll be in and see what happen. Being really honest this sounds pretty creepy and I’d encourage you to really start setting some firm boundaries.

Are you able to review the times you've had off in the past and see if his time off mirrors yours?
You already have the information relating to when you were on maternity leave, you also have the information that the three days he's in the office match your three days.
You also have the information relating to how he waits for you to go to lunch and to go to the shop even if he doesn't purchase anything.

I'd be having a word with my manager first off to see if they can work something out so that you're fairly flexible on the days you have to be in the office for starters.

He's definitely blurring boundaries and while it might tick him off initially, boundaries are good and healthy to have.

Then I'd seriously curtail the texts etc that he is sending you that don't relate to work specifically - so a single response that says "I'm only responding to work related texts on this number going forwards. If your message does not relate to work, please do not text me at this number" and then don't provide him with your personal number. I would only give my personal number to HR and to my Manager - no one else in the company actually needs it.

This is the most sensible thing I’ve read here. OP you said you’ve become friends, so maybe he’s doing what he thinks friends do. Just tell him you can’t give him lifts so much any more because you need the time to be by yourself between work and home. Ask your manager to move where you sit, and introduce some variations to your lunchtimes such as telling him you need some alone time to read or go to lunch with someone else.

I’d just say, sorry the kids have started some afterschool clubs and I need to pick up and head off sharpish so can’t do the lift. I might even text now and say ‘just to give the heads up, but won’t be able to offer lifts going forward as Little Billy and Jemima have finally got places on an afterschool club they wanted. Have to mummy taxi now!’

If you don't want to do it - don't.You can say you aren't going straight home. He's asking not demanding.

This was me a few years ago before WFH. I enjoyed my peace alone in the car and needed it like you say. My situ was car share so not identical I'd say yours is worse as you are not getting anything in return like half of petrol costs and car mileage. I became more sporadic with plans. Sorry I'm not actually travelling directly home after work for XYZ various reason. Collecting child from friends, new arrangement with school mum, going to my friends for dinner, just joined a new book club, started a new exercise class, doing my Asda shop. Hopefully he might pick up the hint. It's convenient for him of course as he is saving train fare and probably cutting commute time but it isn't fair on you as it's playing on your mind and you are probably also subconsciously knowing you have to be free to drive him home

There’s nothing wrong with him asking there’s nothing wrong with you saying no

don’t make excuses
tbh your being a bit unfair saying yes then slagging him off just say no

Anything that involves hints is not going to work here. Clarity is kindness. ‘I want to travel home alone.’

Sorry, I can't.
Sorry, no.
Not tonight.
Unfortunately not.

If this person is a friend then maybe a chat along the lines of 'I don't mind giving you the odd lift, but I'd prefer it not to be a regular thing. I like doing the drive home on my own and don't really want a regular car share. Hope you understand.'

Sounds like he won’t “get” subtle. He’s taking the pi?&. What a cheek as he sounds like he hasn’t even offered to pay you, it doesn’t matter that you are going past his door anyways! Start having other plans and hopefully he’ll get the message. There is a saying that we can count our genuine friends on one hand, he isn’t one of them!

OP.

YABU.

Why?

Because you are pussyfooting around.

Ignore his fucking texts asking for a lift. There is no law that says you have to reply.

Get in your car and go home, let the fucker stew.

As for lunches - say you are going to the bog, then vanish. And yeh tell HR this pest is harassing you.

Until you change the dynamics, little sympathy I'm afraid. Grow a backbone and deal with the issue. A bunch of internet randoms cant fix it for you if you cant be arsed to do it yourself.

Tell him you have limited insurance regarding a third party in the vehicle if there's an accident - or some such complicated nonsense.