AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

you said he is somewhat a friend and you work closely together, next time he asks just say I can this time but I can't be giving you lifts all the time - and finish with a little winky face

either that or tell him your husband is not happy about the arrangement, he can be a little jealous and you really don't think its a good idea anymore

What sort of time in the day does he usually text you about a lift home?

I presume he gets the train in-so is he only buying a single?

Love your update op. Let us know how you get on! Stay strong! 💪

I think you should ask to have a quiet chat with your line manager. Just state that you don’t expect them to have noticed anything amiss, as you didn’t yourself until recently. You have just become increasingly uneasy and somewhat resentful about the expectations etc. Then looking back, noticed the changes of roster, lunches, holidays, etc and now you’re more than a little creeped out. Ask if perhaps rostering can be less flexible to suit this kind of low-key stalking in this case because you’re not friends and you’ve never had any intention of anything deeper than colleagues.

I don’t think it’s necessary for OP to speak to the manager; it could cause a little scene when there doesn’t need to be one. All it takes really is for the OP to start rejecting the lift requests with a polite but firm no for it all to fizzle out. Reasons/excuses don’t even need to be given.

Okay so bit of a turn of events today, the school called and asked me to pick up my son, so I sent my mum instead and agreed with my manager I would work through lunch and leave at 4:30 today, so at lunch I announced that I was working through, this was to the other people in our team too, and the guy in question asked what time I was leaving so I said 4:30 and I won't be able to give you a lift, so I felt quite happy I got on the front foot.

THEN

he goes up to the shop to get his lunch, comes back and sits down, I said "that was quick" and he said "I'm going to sit at my desk for lunch today" at this point I'm like WTF, so I must've pulled a face. He said "you don't mind do you" and I said "no" (regretting that now), but still I must've kept the disapproving face on. And he then makes up some BS excuse about not being able to do much in the staff room and he can look at websites on his PC at his desk.
Why does he have to come with me every other day then!?

I'm starting to feel a bit sick about it all now..

Can you move desk?!

OP you have to draw a line. Agree with yourself at the start of every day that you will NOT give him a lift no matter what he says.

Ask your manager if you can move desk, put your headphones on and do not engage with him. Make up a solid excuse ahead of time that you are happy to stand completely firm on, at this stage it really doesn’t matter if it is a lie.

@rosieandbing
God. That behaviour does seem to be getting more intense to the point of claustrophobic

I hope you get a chance to tell this episode to your manager soon. Please don't feel embarrassed about speaking to them either. It's getting to the point where something has to give. He appears blind to all hints and you shouldn't have to put up with this anymore.

I can see that you can't tell him not to have lunch at his desk, but next lunch time, you can just get up and go and if he follows say I don't want company during lunch today thank you. If asked why.. "because I just don't."

When you tell the others you are leaving early etc... he seems to think you are addressing him which must be so annoying. Can you just text one of them instead so that you can keep conversation on these lines to a minimum.

I hope your DS is ok. Try not to let work thoughts spoil your weekend.

ps- if it’s making you feel sick PLEASE discuss this with your manager

Ok - well you got out of the lift for today but that hasn't put a stop to his ongoing antics.

He is giving me all the vibes that he has bypassed Normal Town and is heading straight for Stalker Ville!

Next step for you is to not announce anything different when you go into work on Monday and just leave quietly. If he sends you a message asking about a lift, just say "I can no longer give you a lift to/from work. You will have to find an alternative way to get to/from work. All the best @rosieandbing ".
Don't apologise for saying you're not giving him a lift.
Don't make any excuses for not giving him a lift.
Just tell him it's not going to be happening any more.

I would have a quiet word with a manager because he is verging into being your stalker. He won't leave you alone. You were working through your lunchtime which allowed you to leave early. He was having his lunch at his desk (not great btw for hygiene reasons) and if there is a shared eating area, that's where he should be having his lunch. If he is awkward and shy, then he should be going to the shared space so that he can meet other colleagues and expand his friendship group.

If he sits down or has his lunch at his desk and it is possible for you to work from a meeting room, book a meeting room and work from there instead (if you have a laptop for example - not so easy if you have a desktop pc though) and move yourself away.

Lastly, if he asks if this is a problem again, don't be afraid of saying "Well, actually it is a problem. I need to crack on here with work so it would be best if you had your lunch in the break area and I don't need company to be able to do my work, thanks".

You can be firm and assertive without being obnoxious or rude. There is definitely something off with this guy. I seriously hope he's not behaving like this because he's got some awkward crush on you or something.

Great post @LookItsMeAgain

Can you go out for lunch? Not in the staff room? Also try to swap your office days last minute.

OP has two young kids so has presumably arranged her office days and childcare accordingly

OP you’ve got to talk to your manager, I feel suffocated by reading this, so god knows what you feel like! I don’t mind helping out by giving colleagues lifts home occasionally, but I wouldn’t do it regularly, I love my time on my own driving home. I like popping out to lunch on my own too, so it would infuriate me someone hanging back waiting to join me, uninvited!! I know you are teammates and it’s awkward but you need to be strong, you should have said something today when the cheeky sod changed his hometime, to an earlier one, to go with you! I think you should change your office working days for the week after half term, but don’t tell him. You could get two days where u don’t see him at least!

You should have said something today when the cheeky sod changed his hometime, to an earlier one, to go with you

This didn't happen. OP said she couldn't give him a lift because she was leaving early.

I think you should change your office working days for the week after half term, but don’t tell him. You could get two days where u don’t see him at least!

If OP has childcare 8-6 (say) on office days and 9-5 (say) on WFH days, she won't just be able to do this - and nor should she have to. And he is quite likely to just change his again too.

OP, is he shy or introverted? I’m just wondering if that’s the reason he wouldn’t go for lunch without you. Maybe he feels awkward. Do you help him to interact and fit in when you go to lunch at the same time?

I would book a meeting with your manager and use these concrete examples.

it is not just the lifts, but him being stuck to you in work. And ask for a desk change!!

I would say l need to make a few personal calls in the car and that's the only chance.
You can pre empt this by saying to him don't work your schedule around me mate, as l don't want the responsibilty of taking you home on my shoulders.

Hang on, did you end up having to take him because he 'worked through' his lunch as well to be able to leave at 4.30? I've probably misunderstood

He is shy and introverted whereas I am too, but less so.
I am feeling very suffocated and uncomfortable now. It's a horrible feeling. Appreciate everyone's responses.
I have made the decision to pull away, slowly, the lifts will stop now, I will make excuses every time, I don't care about that so much now, but it's become clear to me today there is a bigger problem.
I feel that he is attached, and has developed feelings for me, but I'm starting to have thoughts of wanting to leave because I know he won't ever leave if I'm still there type thing, which has reminded me of what he said a few weeks ago when we were having a moan about the workload and general company issues, he said "wouldn't it be good if we could both go and get a job somewhere else together and run the place"
I am starting to realise that quite possibly I AM the job for him.,

OP I have read a few threads similar this year and it’s infuriating. Men going into workplaces basically making polite women feel uncomfortable.
Would you do this to a man or indeed or anyone else in your office? No.
At least this incident today showed him up a little more as you had a genuine reason to go early.
You definitely need to speak to someone at work because I think trying to communicate with him won’t help. He’s doing this to just make you feel more and more uncomfortable. He knows you are kind and polite and he’s using that.
He needs to be a colleague and that’s it. He’s clearly making you stressed and it’s not on.

You definitely need to speak to someone at work because I think trying to communicate with him won’t help.

I disagree. OP has hardly made any attempts to actually communicate. She said she didn't mind. He's not a mind reader.

He sounds boarderline stalkerish...

I agree!

It definitely sounds like he is stifling, OP and I completely understand why you feel the way you do. However, I do think that he possibly sees an ally in you and due to his lack of confidence and shyness he is finding it hard to pull away and create other friendships. I do think that you need to communicate with him and try to kindly create some distance before approaching a manager. Continue to reject the lifts and try to sit by someone else at lunch. When you are at your desk, can you put headphones in so that the communication is kept to a minimum? If he continues to persist when you have attempted to create distance and boundaries, then approach a manager.