AIBU? Work colleague always asks for lifts home

[rosieandbing]

I work with a guy who has become a little reliant on me giving him a lift home once or twice a week.
At first it was once a month or so and I really didn't mind as it gave us a chance to catch up and have a moan etc, we work closely together and I'd say he is somewhat a friend.
Anyway it's turned into twice a week and I'm becoming irritated at how he asks now via text because he seems afraid to ask to my face, probably because it's so often.

Sounds silly but my time alone in the car on the way home is really important for me to decompress from a stressful job. I have 2 young kids and for me it's really important I have that alone time.

Also, he works 3 days a week in the office as do I (we have hybrid working) and he chooses the 3 days he knows I'm in the office.

It's given me the ick if that's even the right term. But I don't have the guts to say no to him or to say I want alone time because if I don't give him a lift he has to get the train and walk. Also the journey isn't out of my way because it's on my way home.

WWYD?

Try not to feel bad about it being awkward when you say no

after all it is his cheeky fuckery that causes the awkwardness!

so sit in the awkwardness and allow it to be a bit awkward

my boss wanted a lift into work and back home once a week (so he saves money) and I don’t like it as I like to decompress in my car!

I just started saying: ah sorry that is not convenient today…. Until he got the hint

don’t make it too complicated and give complicated reasons. If pressed, keep a good one up your sleeve such as having to go back via the pharmacy, if he says he’ll happily come along day it makes you uncomfortable as it is a private medical matter. Something like that

No offer of petrol money or anything like that.
He also always goes to lunch with me, no matter what time I go. I've tried waiting till past 1pm (which is late in our office) and he'll still stick around and wait for me, he even walks up the shop with me when he doesn't need anything from the shop.

Tbh I think the lifts are just the cherry on the cake, I think I'm feeling a little suffocated by him in general.
He is absolutely matching his days to mine because I never used to work Thursdays until recently, and he never used to come in, but now he does 🙄

I know people say I need to be upfront and say no, but I'd be much happier making fake excuses and I think I've realised now that it's okay that I don't feel comfortable with it all.

Just tell him it's not working for you as you keep putting off errands that are in different directions after work.

I'd probably then keep driving off in the opposite direction to prove my point.

Maybe once a fortnight say oh I'm going straight home tonight if you need a lift. Take back control, he will probably buy a car over winter if lifts are not regular enough.

Sounds borderline harassment op, it's not ok at all.

Bring your own lunch in or buy a meal deal on the way to work. And if you go to a staff room to eat it, put headphones on and remark on how much you're enjoying this book / podcast. He sounds creepy. Use any means necessary not to be in his company or talk to him. Can you change your days?

Agree. Go to HR.

Say no and that it's your relaxing time away from the kids which is what you've told us

I don't understand why people are saying make an excuse

Just be honest. He will need to deal with your response and if he doesn't like it then tough

This is really very different and must be so uncomfortable I would actually go to HR
this is borderline harassment (and only borderline because you haven’t clearly said “no stop this”)

Such a good question. One I am familiar with indeed. Given the situation you are now in, i.e. regular lifts from you are underway, I think I would be tempted next time he 'texts' with ' sorry cant today.' Give no explanation. See where that goes.
Btw, I totally totally get your reasons ....totally! I was in your position with a colleague some yrs ago. I started like you , not having the guts to say no etc, then uh uh I was able to say no. NO. Its a complete sentence! Good luck!

This.

Exactly this. A breezy 'sorry, can't tonight ' is enough. If pressed about why a vague 'oh you know, got stuff to do' will suffice. Continuing to press will make him look like an asshole so you always go for a jokey 'just stuff, nosy parker ' kind of thing.

Don't get drawn on specifics.

Is it worth having a chat with your manager, as this is starting to sound a bit more than a lift-giving problem?

He makes sure he works the same days you do, waits to have lunch with you, even if you don't want to have lunch with him, wants to travel home with you, I can see why you're getting stifled.

If, for example, a manager could ask him to work one or two days a week in the office that are different to you, that could solve a lot of your problems.

I know that I will feel much for able to say no if he continues to ask after I make multiple excuses. If he still keeps asking, then it's clear to me he hasn't got the hint and I can justify being direct with him.

I have made a rod for my own back by agreeing to do it over the space of about 12 months, and it would be a complete 180 for me to say no outright straight away. I owe him the chance to take the hint before I make him, and me, feel awkward!

But yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable asking someone repeatedly, so it does irritate me he doesn't!

Easy - just reply to his text - It’s not possible to give you lifts anymore. Kind regards and your name. If he asks why just reply with your original message.

"Sorry, my routine has changed and I won't be able to give lifts any more."

You can say no and put up with a small amount of awkwardness and friction, or you can keep giving the lifts. Choose. There is no magic option where it stops but you get to skip the awkward feeling of saying no.

There's no need for it to be an issue in the office. Say no breezily but clearly by text, then carry on being friendly to him in the same way you always do.

*much more able

DreadPirateRobots

"Sorry, my routine has changed and I won't be able to give lifts any more."

This is a great line!

All these posters rushing on to say 'Go to HR'. Do you not realise that the first thing HR will ask is whether OP has said anything to him? Only to be told 'no'. That is just pathetic. OP has already said that she doesn't want to cause friction as they have a friendship of sorts. Do you not think 'HR involvement' will affect that for the worse?

OP doesn't sound helpless, just a bit trapped and has had some good suggestions.

OP, I agree with PP about not giving an excuse that he could work around or offer to accompany you on - the "Oh sorry, that's not convenient today' from another PP sounds great - and honest.

Hope you get it sorted.

Start writing a list of excuses/reasons why. Then start bitching about the cost of living crisis/increase in car running costs etc…. Tell him you’re thinking of looking for a job closer to home going to start catching public transport.

It really saddens me to see how much women, myself included, often struggle with saying no. It’s something I keep noticing, and it weighs on me deeply.

Please, don't feel the need to hide behind excuses. The fact that he’s asking you is a positive thing, and it shows respect. Theres no point resenting him when you have said yes. He’s asked you through text, which actually gives you space to say no if that’s how you feel.

It’s completely okay to say no. It’s also okay to not to give a reason—your “no” is enough. Or "sorry not today"

I hope you can take some time to reflect on this, not just for this situation but for other areas of your life where it might be hard to find your voice, assert your boundaries, or express your needs.

It makes me so annoyed to see how society has made it so difficult for us to have our needs met, and to feel comfortable saying no when that’s what we really mean.

I’m not criticizing you, I'm criticizing society.

He doesn’t sound like a hint getter, OP, if you are deliberately pushing lunch back late and he is copying, or if he is changing his days to be in when you are.

A clear statement like Sorry, my routine has changed and I won't be able to give lifts any more. is less awkward than hints IMO. But up to you.

I owe him the chance to take the hint before I make him, and me, feel awkward!

It's more awkward to make up excuses. What's wrong with being direct?

You sit next to him when in the office.
He follows you to lunch.
He pesters you for rides.
This is about way more than bumming a few rides home.

Do you actually work on projects/tasks together?

I would have a quiet word with your manager about the situation: you're feeling overwhelmed by the unwanted attention. It's making you uncomfortable. Can you be seated elsewhere? Can the manager dictate different office dates for him? Can you work from home an additional day? Go in with some suggestions but also put it on the manager and ask what can be done.

I'd say "Hi Bill. Sorry I have a lot going on and really need a bit of time to myself on the commute home. I'm sure you understand ".

The lunchtime thing, same . Maybe catch up next week.

Yes - do this and hopefully he'll realise that it's not a neutral situation for him to be in your car