Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

You absolutely need to flag this. Unless they are asking everyone the same question (and it’s a very unwise question to ask anyone) it’s leaving them open to claims of sex discrimination.

Of course you should let the recruiter know! I didn't think they were allowed to ask that sort of thing.

At the risk of sounding like them, what are your plans for childcare? I think I would rehearse a statement and practise it before any future interview.

If they ask any questions about childcare, you could answer that it is not relevant to this job.

I just think they shouldn't be asking a woman questions they wouldn't ask a man? They never ask men that question do they? I'll tell you the same as what I tell them which is that I've got it all covered and it's none of your business 😉 (mix of my parents and nursery).

I know the requirements of the job and wouldn't have applied if it wasn't possible.

Let the in house recruiter know because its discrimination. They wouldn't treat a new father this way. My heart goes out to you Op because I'm visibly disabled and I have had this crap so many times! They love my CV, the pre interview contact is excellent and they say the interview is a formality then ... they see the crutches and I never hear from them again. They would deny it vehemently of course. Stand your ground!

They shouldn't be asking such questions! Are you going via a recruiter or applying directly. If they ask I'd smile and be polite but agree that its not relevant to the role.

Yep, I'm pretty sure they can't legally ask questions like that unless they ask them of absolutely everyone, regardless of age, gender etc.

So definitely flag it to the recruiter.

Applying directly. In house recruiter is in the US and they're pretty hot about this sort of thing. I never get these questions from the American teams as they're very careful about discrimination, only British guys.

They shouldn't ask but if you want a job prepare answers for the questions asked.
They will choose one who have sorted childcare/private life anyway.

Sorry to hear this. Yes I can absolutely imagine this given what I've seen and experienced 🙁

But the point is I shouldn't have to answer that question as a man wouldn't be asked it? When a man says he's married with kids people think oh great they're going to be really motivated. When a woman is in the same position they think work won't be a priority.

The reality is that it has to be a priority for me as a single mum. I've got bills to pay and no income right now.

Should I flag ASAP? I don't want it to backfire though and them then decide not to move forward as I'm complaining.

@Bunny44

True but do you want a job?

Until I had a baby I totally thought that equality had been achieved and women had all of the opportunities that men do. I never particularly felt discriminated against.

Then I got pregnant and my employer suddenly didn’t need me any more, “for business reasons” because “sales are down” exactly 3 hours after I informed them of my pregnancy, what a coincidence!

I struggled massively to get another job. I got asked questions about childcare arrangements and how I’ll handle it if my child is sick. Interviewers were always keen to point out that they have team building weekends or drinks after work, and they questioned if I’ll be able to participate (I can’t).

DH’s employer refuses to give him any leeway to be a parent, so it all falls on me. When they ask him to go on an overnight business trip and he can’t because it clashes with my evening class, he says he has the kids that night and his employer says “why can’t your wife have them?” If he asks to wfh because a child is sick, his employer says “why can’t your wife handle it?” They aren’t happy with the answer “because she stayed at home with the sick child last time and it’s my turn now”.

Basically employers want their staff to either be single, or have the freedom of single people because their wife or someone is picking up the slack in their family. Obviously I didn’t realise this was an issue when I was free and single myself! It’s only when I had kids that this discrimination became apparent. So basically it’s not just you - this is happening across the board.

They shouldn't ask, but do you have to mention your baby at all? Cos they will ask and then pretend that there was another reason you weren't appointed.

I'm in tech. Tell the recruiter asap.

That said, I also would prepare an answer. No you shouldn't be asked it, yes it is discrimination, but you need a job. Horrible this is still an issue but needs must.

I'd rather not mention it, but if I'm specifically asked if I have kids or about the 9 month gap on my CV?

I guess I could just be as vague as possible or so I was travelling (I've been away a few times since he was born so not a complete lie 😂)

@Miriad absolutely, I'm very aware it's not just me which is what makes me angry. When I speak to friends it's exactly the same. Simply being a woman and having children puts us at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Like you, it sounds obvious but somehow I didn't realise that fully till being in this position.

The reality for me is I have more childcare than the average couple. I actually live with my parents for the moment. So there are 3 adults looking after my baby (1 who's not working). They're willing to have him overnight if I go away for work.

But I hardly want to go wading into my circumstances in an interview "hey I'm a single mum who lives with my parents!"

Finding this all difficult to navigate!

@MumChp not really sure what you're trying to imply or going with this as my answer is obvious there?

I have never been asked in an interview if I have children! Who are these dinosaurs? Definitely report. In terms of getting the job though.... Just don't mention the baby. Explain your maternity leave by saying you had to take some time out to care for a family member but won't need to do this again. Look sad and imply that it was someone old/ill who is no longer here...

In answer to the gap question I would just say "I took a break for family reasons and now I'm ready to commit fully to a full time role." If they ask about babies and childcare I'd say "as I said previously, I'm ready and able to commit to a full time role."

Good luck.

This happened to me last year. It was a job with my husbands employer. They knew him and I had to declare that I was related to a current employee and give their name at the application stage. So they obviously knew I had children. In fact when I met them on interview day they asked me how the twins were.

Fast forward about 20 minutes and the interview chair asked how I would juggle childcare around the early starts since my husbands working hours are from 7am in the summer and 8 am in the winter (they knew his working pattern). My mouth dropped open and before I could answer the other interviewer awkwardly laughed snd said "Mr imposter can apply for flexi working... anyway..."

I was furious! But more furious that I didn't immediately tell them to shove the job and walk out. I did email the HR contact when I left. I got a dismissive reply from them and I withdrew my application.

About 2 days later the HR director called me and gave me a grovelling speech about how it wasn't acceptable and if I wanted to make a formal complaint there would be no repercussions for my husband. I did make a formal complaint but obviously cannot be told the outcome.

It really dented my confidence but I now have a much better role that pays £12k more a year.

Me too! Somehow I also didn’t realise this until I had kids. Which means the older women who already experienced this weren’t shouting about it. Perhaps what we need to do is shout?

I don't know all the fine details, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to ask you about children, pregnancy plans, childcare arrangements etc. Not their business. Asking if you can travel is a valid question they could ask anyone. But asking about the baby specifically - I think you could put in a complaint to sex discrimination.

I know a woman who was asked at interview if she was planning to have more children. She replied 'not with you'. Don't know if she got the job!

You need to answer the career gap without saying have a child.

They shouldn't ask about children so don't volunteer the information. If asked a direct question about children respond by asking how that is relevant to the role.

If challenged you have adequate childcare, are aware of the requirements of the role and can fulfil them.