Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

Wow all those interviews, you deserve a job offer at the end at the very least.

If they were just asking about your CV gap, I'd fudge something about a 'change in family circumstances' and 'I've actually moved in with my parents', bc I think that's less likely to lose the job than being a single parent.
Obvs in this instance they know about your child, though I totally think it's none of their business. They do have to check you haven't been incarcerated for a heinous crime hence your 9 month gap, so having something to say thats not baby focused might get you through.

No way do I support their actions and you've every right to complain, but IRL it might not get you anywhere.

Good luck you sound like a fabulous employee, maybe you should look at self employment.

Did you bring a claim against the employer? You should have.

I negotiated with them best I could - wasn't fantastic but had to sign an NDA. I was 9 months pregnant so didn't want to lose time or affect my health fighting over it. Because I'd been there less than 2 years I didn't have that many rights.

At some point I do feel like I should speak out in general about my experiences with the tech industry since being pregnant/having a baby. They all make out they're so supportive to women in the industry but it's really not the case and I'm certaintly not the only one.

It's a case of when I can afford to though...

Ok then my advice is dont talk about it. Be evasive and say you took an intentional personal leave. Practice talking about this. When I had my son I had to start a contract 3 weeks later because my ex’s visa made me unable to get any benefits. The recruiter said we should tell Google i just had a baby and i said no - if a man just had a child nobody would expect him to say a thing. Say nothing. I realise this may give you anxiety but think of it like this - if you had to care for an elderly parent would you feel you had to disclose it? Probably not. Society has made us feel we have to talk about it. For all they know you've got your mum or a nanny - it is none of their business.

Trust me, many people interviewing will have had negative experiences with interviewing people - we once interviewed an amazing person and she showed up lste to the interview because of childcare trying to return to work. The department head happened to be extremely sympathetic and gave her a chance. But she had exactly the experience he wanted. And back to me. Unfortunately Google discovered my first week that I had just had a baby. A little shit was hell bent on figuring out my weight and wobbly walk plus I almost died in septic shock 10 days after c section - and had to delay my start date because i was in hospital. It turned out I was covering a 10 month maternity leave. 😂 and the team felt the dept head had been unfair to the person to the pregnant googler. So they were irate that a woman who just gave birth could rock up to work - they felt it made their friend look bad. You never know what issues your motherhood might be up against. What if your interviewer can’t conceive? What if theyre doing IVF? Just keep it to yourself!

It’s not right but I wouldn’t report it until you get confirmed not to have the job. I would just lie and say I have a full time house husband or nanny to see if it makes a difference.

I guess no reply yet from the American woman as it's the weekend. I hope you get something tomorrow.

I'm sorry but I don't think being asked about childcare arrangements is wrong. Or about responsibilities you have outside of work. I think your attitude towards such questions would greatly put me off employing you though.

@pollymere I've never shown any attitude to employers about being asked these questions but my experience tells me I should have. The point is, would you ask a man what his childcare arrangements are? If not then you're not allowed to ask a woman because it amounts to discrimination.

If you're applying for a job and are made aware of the requirements then it's on the applicant to ensure their personal life works with these requirements.

Put another way, if an employer started grilling you about your mental and physical health or your sleeping habits or eating habits, you would likely find these questions intrusive.

If you're not aware of conscious or unconscious bias for protected characteristics in the workplace I suggest you educate yourself.

Fortunately the law disagrees with you.

https://www.gov.uk/employer-preventing-discrimination/recruitment

Technically speaking, if they asked everyone about children/childcare that would be okay provided it formed no part of the decision making.

My advice (HR Director) has always been don’t ask anything that you aren’t using as a deciding factor, because a) what’s the point, and b) you’d have to write it down and if you ever found yourself in a tribunal a judge isn’t going to take kindly to you asking and then trying to argue it wasn’t something you considered when deciding.

I'd assume it of any lone parent.

Just get your homelife sorted.

If you're going to take on a job and you have a baby, what are your childcare arrangements?

Pretty much every job can flex around childcare arrangements, but no one wants a mum who hasn't got that organised.

"Yes, I've got a baby, currently being looked after by X, and starting nursery next month."

Because no one wants responsibility for hiring someone who can't do the job because of childcare responsibilities.

So have a "can do" attitude. Instead of a I want to sue people because I think they asked an inappropriate question.

You can always lie and say grandparents live 10 minutes away and are "so involved", which completely removes the false barrier in your head that people are not hiring you because you have a child.

Use that lie - and it's all down to you whether you get the job or not.

Have you read OP's posts? Her childcare is sorted and has both nursery and two other adults available to look after the baby if needed. She's more covered than most parents!

She's struggling with people assuming that she'll have to take time out from the job because she's a woman/single woman.

So how old are his children?

Old enough to not need childcare 🙂

@Floranan Doesnt that just uphold the patriarchal structures that lead to discrimination? I dont see why she needs to spill her personal life to such an extent, her childcare is taken care of, end of discussion. Someone could be looking after elderly parents, or a partner, caring resonsibilities are a reality.

If attendance is an issue or shes considered unreliable thats somethng they cannot predict at interview.

What i find interesting is that i find male colleagues being treated with more flexibility then I ever have when their kids are sick or they get sick from their kids. I worked longer and had less sick days than male colleagues with wives at home, with kids the same age adn older than mine.

I had my first child, took a year off for maternity, then went back for about 8 months before going on maternity leave for a second time. I have worked for the company for another 18 years since then and chose to stay even though I could have earnt twice as much somewhere else, partly because of how family friendly my organisation is. I think they have had a pretty good deal, despite only getting a few months' work out of me over that period.

All businesses rely on us having children, so it is not unfair at all to make sure women are not penalised for being the only ones, biologically, who can supply the future workforce!

How would you find out someone is a lone parent? You're not allowed to ask about marital status. I certainly don't reveal mine. None of their business.

I'm not actually a 'lone' parent for that matter. There are 3 adults caring for my baby including myself 🙂

Just to add, all these people advocating for discriminating against women with children, I'd like you to pause and think about the alternatives available to said women.

According to a gov benefits calculator I will be eligible for over £2000 in benefits per month once my savings run out which will be this year if I don't secure a job.

Instead of 'sponging' as you would no doubt call it, I'm trying my best to support myself and my child independently. Not only that but as a high earner I'd be contributing large amounts of tax and eligible for no gov help for anything.

However according to your logic, I should be discriminated against and forced out of the workforce 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔.

@Bunny44 Honestly you cant win, some attitudes are so aligned with patriarchy for their own survival. Stepping on others to uplift themselves, when we could be uplifting everyone. Wether its being paid less than men for the same job, taking a hit on pensions for child rearing years or being criticised for just daring to live our lives and have kids close in years and being considered to "take the piss" for doing so.

@pollymere The Equality Act 2010 may disagree with you. Why dont you think its wrong?

Ok, YOU'RE not a lone parent. Who said you were? But they do exist, and they're who I was talking about.

You referred to me directly to me as a lone parent if you look at the quote history. Anyway you haven't responded to the other points. If it's not your right to enquire about marital status, how are you going to know?

The Equality Act does allow you to ask a question about home responsibilities as long as you ask all candidates that question. People always latch on to the woman with child element and start shouting that it's unfair. A man with an elderly mother or a non-binary person married to someone who needs care or a person with a dog will have the same issues working late or going away on business trips or having to look after them when they're sick. The law has more support in place for someone who has to take the day off due to a sick child than the others.

I've worked with people who are unable to stay late and it's known. I've also been someone who they knew could stay late but needed notice to do so.

@pollymere

Someone having animal caring responsibilities isn't a protected characteristic. Being a carer in any capacity isn't a protected characteristic.

Age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation are.

That's why why people "latch on" to the woman with a child element