Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

@TheOccupier Are you a woman in your 30s? Seems to be a trend when you look in your 30s... there's no right answer either unless you're a man!

I think I'm going to speak to the recruiter today as I'm concerned this guy will derail what has been a very positive interview process until now. An email from her last night suggests to me that may already be happening. I'll be very tactful and say something like...

"just to let you know I was asked about marital status and if I have children yesterday... I know it may have been an innocent question, however I am very conscious how questions such as this can lead to conscious or unconscious bias, particularly towards women. In all honesty, I didn't appreciate being asked the question, however to heed off any doubts I'd like to reiterate that if i was offered the position that I would be extremely dedicated to the role. As a parent I am very motivated to both provide and be a role model for my child.

Please let me know if there are any practical concerns around this side of things"

Something like that - what do you think?

Or should this be a phones call?

Can you smile and ask ‘why do you need to know that information?’ Put them on the spot. Can you record the interviews with one of those hidden pen recorders? Blatant discrimination and illegal

Did you intend your comment to read as you blaming older women who were also stuck in this same situation? What amazing initiatives are you planning to launch? I will look out for them in the press!

As a retired recruitment consultant, I co-own my company with DH and yes I know I’ve been out the loop for a couple of years, but I would advise that your approach is wrong

you need to be up front, lead with the fact that you now live with your parents, there’s nothing wrong with that, and that the 3 of you are raising your child. Not that you live there so they can care for him as needed, but you moved home so the 3 of you could work together to raise him. He his now in child care for x amount of days and with the wrap round care of your parents you are excited to be back in the position to return to work.

you can bang on about equality and that as long as you like, but the fact is, you are a mother and are therefor seen different to than you use to be. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong it’s just a fact.

with the best will in the world, and yes you have full support behind you, but there will be times when you need to be there for your child, and they need to factor that into you job role, and trust me they do consider that with men too, illness school plays birthdays etc. you need to make sure to convince them that yes you are a mum, but you have the parenting of your child in hand.

I would say that potential employers aren’t kicking you into touch because of your child so much as the fact that you come across , well let’s face it, it’s none of their business! Well yes it is, your child is a big part of who you are and you will get a lot more respect if you own him and be able to show that you have everything under control.

This is what I was saying to my parents last night. But my mum suggested as a single mum I can't afford to speak up 🙁. Really upsetting situation.

I had a friend who was asked a similar question in an interview and she replied something like “Can I ask how the male candidates responded to this question?” (Or something like that - it was ages ago so I can’t remember the exact wording). Anyway she got the job. Worth a try! It calls them out on their sexist behaviour and shows your confidence.

@Floranan I absolutely do not want to talk about my personal circumstances. If I bring this up they'll know I'm a single parent and then that raises other personal questions. This is a senior job I'm going for and saying I live with my parents doesn't give the right impression at all. Also I have ended up mentioning this before and guess what... I immediately got dropped from the process 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want them to focus on me as a candidate for the job not get distracted by my home situation.

OP - definitely put it in writing. It’s absolutely outrageous.

Moving forward have a standard clap back ready for this sort of question. It’s reasonable for them to ask about CV gaps (which is how they get it out if you that you have kids), but either have a lie ready “my partner lives with me” (you can break up once you’re hired), or have a more confrontational position “I don’t think you’re allowed to ask that question”.

I'd say temporary family circumstances which are resolved.

Think she's just saying if none of us do anything then nothing changes. Don't think it was about blame.

It’s frustrating as a man would never be asked the question. I would flag it to the recruiter.

Im a manager & wouldn’t dream of asking the question. Our company also has a very good paternity policy, i also wouldn’t ask a man if he intends to use it ?!?!!

Good luck , hopefully things improve for you!

This type of question makes my blood boil for a plethora of reasons.

The last time I was asked it, I responded “I have cats”. Interviewer moved on swiftly because obviously if I have cats that means I’m some sort of wild haired spinster. I didn’t accept the job.

They have no right to ask you. It is bias - and a bloody touchy subject for some people - and it needs feeding back to their HR that these dinosaurs have no part on an interview panel. Although I would wager you’ll find reference to it isn’t written down anywhere obviously in the interviewers notes…

I have lots of kids and am in a senior role. The few months I’ve taken out of the workforce I have down on my cv as travel. Make sure you have something - no gap.
Do not mention kids/family at any point during the interview.
Also flag this immediately. You may get reinterviewed. If I had heard of one of my managers doing this is would be writing to you myself. Make sure you are clear and knowledgeable in your email.
Kids are irrelevant at this stage and should not be mentioned by either interviewer or interviewee.

@MyNameIsFine that's hilarious 😂

I'm just so annoyed as this whole process is taking up so much time. Yes I'm on 'maternity leave' but I'm not getting paid and not able to enjoy it as I'm spending week after week going through this process only to be discarded once the issues of kids comes up.

This may be naive of me as im not sure of the legalities, but if they can't legally ask you that question, could you not just lie to them and say you don't have kids? When they ultimately find out, they'd have to fess up to the fact they asked a question illegally, which wouldn't put them in a strong position?

That's bang out of order. You do not have to disclose marital status or number of children at interview? Those things are personal and nothing to do with ones ability to do the job. It's a stupid thing to ask anyway. 'do you have a baby?' If the person says "no'. But they haven't asked if the person has caring responsibilities for their dementia stricken parents or disabled siblings or partner, so it doesn't even let them know your home responsibilities anyway.
Definitely raise it with the in house recruiter. This shouldn't be happening in 2024.

Honestly, in your situation I think I would reherse the line "I have a strong support network and childcare will not be an issue, nor will it affect my ability or dedication to this job"

I'd not offer much more than reassurance it won't impact my job performance.

If still rejected, then I would give the feedback.
If accepted, I would give the feedback once I'd joined.

It's not perfect, but I think that's what I'd do.

(but yes - it's shit you're asked this when a new father wouldn't be!)

If you work with children you need to explain gaps in employment but asked of men and women And childcare is not a question they should ask unless they ask everyone, maybe in terms of are you okay travel abroad and overnights, without mentioning childcare specifically

Nope. Don’t mention being a parent or practical concerns.

“I am fully able to meet the requirements of the role” is all they need to be told.

Was your interviewer the hiring manager for the team? So will you be working for them directly? If not, I would contact HR, explain that your interviewer asked illegal and discriminatory questions, and request another interview. Being honest, there are no good answers at this point which is why it makes me so angry - whatever you do, they are likely to find another “reason” for not hiring you - but you can make their life as difficult as possible, and there is a chance that they will assign someone more aware for your next interview and they’ll be open minded and it’ll go well. Even if not, you’ll probably push HR into giving your middle aged male interviewer a slap on the wrist which may make him more careful next time. It’s infuriating though.

Next time your asked the question simply say

'Please explain why this question is relevant to the job role?'

Yea you can say this, and they can't pretend to be impartial but they won't be. Will
Mark you as a "trouble maker". It's not right but it's what happens

👏

At this point they already know I'm a parent of a baby. This is to raise the issue of the discriminate questions