Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

Are you suggesting she should accept sexual discrimination?

I've applied for two jobs as a lone parent with young children. In both application letters I included a short para that I had children with childcare and family support.
I was offered both jobs.
Personally I wouldn't want to waste my time going to an interview with someone who might be an asshole and judge me for having kids, and be tricky if issues arose one employed. At least by being upfront it minimised the chance of that happening.

Same thing happened to me. One moment I was being fast-tracked for promotion, then when I announced I was pregnant, my boss suggested I find another job. Like you, I'd naively thought all the big feminist battles had been won. It was a huge wake up call.

Surely lying and saying you are childfree is not the answer though. The truth will out in time and it won't look great that you blatantly lied at interview.

With a young child, chances are that at some stage you will have to leave work during the day - whether the child is sick, has an accident, for whatever reason.

I work with a number of women with young children and all, at some stage or another, have had to rush off to collect them. No-one bats an eyelid, that's just life and no-one thinks any less of them (I don't have children but I was given the same consideration and flexibility when my dad was dying).

It's awful that you are being asked these questions but I really don't think lying is the way to deal with them.

Tinkly laugh.
You’re not allowed to ask that, (drop laugh and steely) but as you have, I have a great support network.
You’re flagging up that you’ve clocked they’re on dodgy ground asking that and answered the question. I was asked that twice and got the job both times.

If you were sacked is it possible that's also causing issues when they find out? Many employers won't consider someone without a reference from the most previous employer, and I know we refuse to provide them if the person was let go.

We all have been shouting it's just none really cares unless it affects them directly.

Contact either Pregnant then Screwed or the Working Families helpline they might be able to advise on discrimination - which this sure as hell is - but I don’t know what to do about it so please take advice from lawyers - it’s free.

Explain the cv gap by saying you were caring for a relative. They will think older relative… when in fact you were caring for a very young relative, your DC. It is not a lie.

My kids are older now as had mine quite young and they asked if I had kids and was told that with a tinkly laugh that it was really a positive that I have older children so it won't impact my focus on work now (moving from part time to full time). As I was already on the fence as I had another offer the day before I swiftly told them that that was a really inappropriate response and I always have been focused on my career and for them suggest I was not acting professionally previously just because I had kids was wrong. They tried to backtrack but in the end conceded that it came across how it did. I finished the interview there by telling them that having children should in no way be context for offering someone a job as they wouldn't ask a father that and that they are showing blatant bias which is discrimination. Hr contacted me afterwards and I advised them to sit on in future interviews and squash that obvious attitude towards women and mothers. I've had this my whole working career and it doesn't surprise my anymore that it's still blatant and obvious but I'm much more vocal in calling it out

For sure follow this up with the recruiter, but leave out the bit about being a parent. Just say that as a professional, you're committed to this role. If you get asked that again, just say your personal life doesn't affect your ability to work at your best level.

If you get into conversation around those questions yesterday, you could say that it's so hard not to feel like it's discrimination when You've been asked about children, even if it was just someone chatting and getting to know you. You can drop the discrimination word in without making it an accusation, but it makes them aware that you're not a pushover.

When they ask you about the gap in your CV, can you say "caring responsibilities" rather than "I had a baby"? Can you list it on your CV already so they don't need to ask you about it at interview?

They shouldn't be asking so I would lie if you feel truth will count against you because they shouldn't be asking. My dh does most of the childcare as he works part time, self employed so arranges schedule around child.

Easy to mention split later down the line if you want.

I'm going to advocate for lying at interview.
Tell them you took time off to concentrate on home improvements. Don't mention you have kids, even if asked. Say that you're unmarried and have no intention to marry.

See if you get offered a role.
What are they going to do if you start work and they realise it was a lie? Fire you for being a mother? Let them try.

What absolute arses. I would definitely be making complaints, but maybe secure a job first.

In this situation I would be so tempted to lie, say I had time off to travel and that my child was older. But you shouldn’t have to lie because they shouldn’t be asking. Your marital status? What does that have to do with the job!
I think you should ask them why they’re asking that question, whether anyone in the team/company has children, whether everyone is married etc. and turn it around on the employer so it’s on them to convince you that they’re not discriminatory!

Older women in this position are most definitely shouting about this. I think some younger, childless women just assume it won’t happen to them because there was clearly something else wrong with the women this happens to 😏

Flag it. Say that you were concerned about being asked the question and concerned about parity. But in your email just reiterate that you are well aware of the requirements for the role and you are comfortable in meeting all of these.

I called out my (female interviewer) in a recent internal job interview. She asked me about childcare- I said my being a single parent has no weighting on whether I can do the job or not.
The male interviewer then backed me up. Saying he has to leave by x time to collect his children.
i was pleasantly surprised.

I was stewing a bit by being asked about it. I’ve managed for the last 3 years so why would it make a difference.
I was ready to make a comment to HR as it’s not something that should be asked.

Got the job 🙂

I will add that due to the large amount of marketing & PR spin that many firms put around their family friendly, work/life balance policies it can be easy for the childless to make the assumption that everything in the working world is rosy for mothers. It does go along way to drowning out the noise of the older women shouting about this.

They don't need to know that you are a single parent, have children or what the arrangements are.

I have often volunteered the information as a woman of childbearing age to reassure them that the arrangements were in order, and to account for time on mat leave/career break but they are absolutely not allowed to ask.

I think your proposed email message to the recruiter was entirely appropriate given what happened with the last interview, it’s clear, professional and calls out any BS that guy may try and use to not hire you. If I received that as an employer I would take it at face value, it’s not going to do any harm.

Not sure if it is useful for your next interview with the same company but perhaps if you don’t get this job with the next one, when they ask about your career break you just say: ‘after leaving my last position I took some time to focus on my personal wellbeing and assess where I wanted to take my career next. I want to make sure that the company I work for next is the right fit for me do am giving myself the time to ensure I only apply for roles in organisations I have confidence in/passion for.’ This omits the mention of your child without lying. Having a child is entirely irrelevant to your role and ability to do the job and is not something you should feel compelled to disclose during interview stages.

I'd say 'took time out for personal reasons' or 'to deal with a family situation which is fully resolved now'
Not ideal but it's the lesser of two evils.
I've been where you are when my kids were younger. I ended up not mentioning kids at all especially as the roles I was going for involved significant travel (DH was a SAHD but of course they always assume it's the mum who will struggle with travel)

Interviewed and appointed many people over the years whilst working in the NHS, we simply weren’t allowed to ask questions about children, childcare and how it would impact. At the end of the day, I’m certain you’ve considered all that pre interview anyway, simply from the point that you know you will need to ensure they are looked after so why would an interviewer need to ask

I'm deaf. The number of times I'm asked how I cope with meetings etc.…

I always tell people that I need an interview on Zoom or MS Teams so I can use the captions etc. They can see that I'm currently working with very large teams and I'm used to large numbers of attendees in meetings. Yet, because they couldn't cope, they don't see how I can. Even when they can see that my work record demonstrates it happens.

But even recruiters say, "You can see why they'd be worried". Well, no, I don't. I've a long enough history of comparable organisations that they can see it's not the issue that it would be for someone who isn't used to working this way.

@Bunny44 If they don't offer you this job after EIGHT interviews I would kick up a stink, honestly. What could they possibly need eight hours of interviews for?!