Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

I used to recruit for a role that required overnight travel for several weeks a month minimum 4 nights at a time, we asked all candidates regardless of sex or age if there were any barriers to this or restrictions for us to be aware of. One guy said he had a dog he couldn't leave for more than a couple of nights as his neighbour would only look after it for a day or two! I recruited a number of women with children for the role, who just said they had robust and flexible childcare in place and supportive family should that fall through unexpectedly. It's ok to ask if they are asking everyone

Wow. This is quite the thread. Sorry to hear you had to go through this OP. You should know that well-run American companies train interviewers to not ask questions like this. Not only does it leave them open to lawsuits, it makes it harder to hire qualified people.

I suspect they will be rather concerned about me raising this from previous experience with American companies. They probably do have training on this sort of thing due to their size.

Been in the same place as you find yourself. I'd never felt discriminated against until I had my second child and had a longer gap in my CV than with my first child. I was able to cover that gap as I was self employed so had my own company. I would definitely recommend hiding the gap in your CV. You went travelling, this is not untrue. You just don't need to add any information about having a baby in tow. You are quite right men are never asked these questions. Having a baby and taking time off to have that baby is no reflection on your ability to do the job so why does it have to be part of the interview process. Good look with securing a new role. When I interview I never volunteer any information about my family life. It doesn't impact my ability to do my job.

I think in this case, it's a reasonable ask in context of the job role and the question is open-ended enough to allow the candidate to choose whether to disclose parental responsibilities or not - in fact OP could easily just say "No, there are no barriers to this" and move on without ever disclosing her parental status as her childcare is covered and is therefore irrelevant to the employer, she can do the job.

Have you heard back yet since you made the complaint?

If they’re in the US they’re 4-7 hours behind us and would presumably need to speak to those involved.

14?

Why is this relevant? They were 20+

Still not heard back yet. I'll follow up tomorrow if I don't hear anything tonight.

My husband has several female friends who are divorcees. I have no objection to him meeting up with them socially now and again or helping them out with jobs around the house. More recently he has invited them along to join us on nights out that I have arranged and it's starting to get on my nerves. I have asked him not to invite them in future but now he says I'm being jealous and silly.
Am I being unreasonable?

@JaneyGunn85 you need to start your own thread, maybe in the AIBU forum (you're not, BTW. That would piss anyone off).

I finally got a no after some back and forth with the recruiter. She phoned me to get my feedback on the interview process and the questions and said they shouldn’t have been asked. No negative feedback from them. They just decided to move forward with another candidate. Not sure if I can ask for more specific feedback?

I'm in the process for a few other roles. Hopefully one comes through as I'm exhausted of spending every week trying to do this while looking after my baby! At least when I'm employed he'll be in nursery!

Ah sorry to hear that OP, fingers crossed for the next job opportunity - I think at this point just don't disclose your parental status even if asked about it, and see how things land from there

I’m sorry, that sucks! There is no harm is asking for more specific feedback if you’re curious though (I would ask)

Did you ever get a response to your email @Bunny44 ?

Yes they asked to have a call with me to discuss it on the phone.

Yes I'm thinking of doing this as I genuinely would like some pointers on how I can do better since I urgently need a job. I just keep being told the feedback is positive but someone else had done better/is preferable 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know about anybody else thoughts on this, but as they shouldn't be asking I would feel no compulsion for honesty on this point. Lie, get the job, be happy. But hey that's just me.

PS congratulations on becoming a family, it'll work out, all will be OK.

2023 was a difficult year for businesses and a lot of people had difficulty getting jobs (and my perspective is from IT). However this year should be much better and around about now as companies have started the new tax year they are recruiting. One of the biggest challenges is the interview as many move from job to job and interviews are a skill by themselves. You can fail at both the technical stage or competency stage. Questions like ‘describe a situation where…’ can be hard for those seldom changing employment. You’ll find that it takes a few interviews to get better at answering. In IT if anything people are more accepting of personal situations and kids etc as they can usually work around that in the vast majority of cases. It might well be an issue with kids at one or two companies but unlikely for many of them. Unless you’re absolutely sure it’s that I wouldn’t overthink and just call to get some feedback. Good luck. 👍

@WhoDecidedThat You’ll find that it takes a few interviews to get better at answering. In IT if anything people are more accepting of personal situations and kids etc as they can usually work around that in the vast majority of cases.

Not sure if you have read my posts but I've done 40+ interviews this time round. I've also had 5 different jobs in this sector/moved at least every 4 years (not unusual in tech) so I'm certainly not unpracticed at interviews. I do well in interviews and I'm applying for jobs that I am very qualified for. I tend to hit a brick with older men interviewing me this time round. Might be a stylistic thing but they seem uninterested in me right from the bat and are the ones that ask me about my marital status and childcare arrangements. I have been told I look young for my age and I'm applying for senior roles so no idea if that's a factor but a few people suggested it.

Also as per my posts, I too naively thought that in IT they are accepting of personal situatutions and children, but my actual experience is that this is NOT true. I was let go while pregnant alongside others in a situation which was obviously discriminatory. Then I have been asked discriminatory questions about being a woman with children during interview processes.

Having been through this and discussed it with peers in the industry and looked online, it seems that this is far from unusual unfortunately. Not sure if it's because it's a very male dominated industry and also there are a lot of smaller companies which are less structured/less HR training.

Also as per my posts, I welcome feebdback openly but have received very little of any use even after requesting it. I'm just told they got on better with/preferred the other candidate.