Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

In that case, to me, the answer is 'i got made redundant and decided to take a few months out for myself'. It answers the question honestly and skips the obvious follow on questions. If they then ask what you did with your time out, you can give an answer about spending time with family and friends. It's not exactly a long break in your CV compared to many who stop working for years on end and need to re-skill.

I wonder what would happen if you use the technique that you can use for inappropriate or mean comments (I’ve taught it to my kids!). Ask them to repeat the question as you didn’t catch what they said. This gives them and other interviewers a chance to change to ask a more appropriate question. It will also buy a little thinking time for you, if they repeat the question.

If they do repeat the question you can then decide what to say as others have advised. You could always say you have a live in Nanny who the wider family have used before!!

Good luck, I hope you find something.

No not the issue. I was let go as part of a group lay off and provided a reference letter. Lay offs were very common in my industry last fee years so not questioned.

Actually there are still possibly 2 more after this! And by the way I've done 6 - 8 interviews for other roles I didn't get, including one where I cancelled all if my birthday plans to prep for a panel interview presentation, only to be asked about my childcare plans and be told in the end that the job went to a male friend of a friend because he got a personal reference upfront 🙄. F*ing unbelievable!!

As you live with your parents, say “I have a live-in full time nanny”. Your mum is nanny isn’t she, so you’re not lying!

I was actually asked in one interview (internal, already knew the manager interviewing) if I planned on getting pregnant. How cheeky is that?

Asking about a career gap is standard for everyone. Asking about children is not. But it's worth having a good answer in any case.

In fairness to smaller employers though, it can be catastrophic when women (and it is mostly women, sadly) become less reliable for childcare reasons. It might feel unfair, but it is a fact of life.

I dunno...people are saying would they ask these questions of a man...but I think its tighter than that. would they ask the questions of a man who is the single parent of a small child?

When they ask him to go on an overnight business trip and he can’t because it clashes with my evening class, he says he has the kids that night and his employer says “why can’t your wife have them?” If he asks to wfh because a child is sick, his employer says “why can’t your wife handle it
I had the opposite when I was talking to my boss about the fact that I was part time and so overnight trips were possible but difficult, he asked if my husband was thinking about going part time himself at some point so I could mive to full time lol

But they didn't know OP's marital status...

"I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby"

So the question is, would they ask this of a new father? And I personally think it wouldn't occur to them to do so.

@godmum56 the point is that when men get asked if they've got kids, it's seen as a good thing. The employer thinks "oh great they'll be really motivated then". It's a win win situation for men and a lose lose situation for women.

If you're 30+ and you don't have kids, you'll have them soon. If you already have them "you'll be distracted".

@Jaxhog I worked for a small employer when I was laid off. Many of the men had small children and worked from home frequently or left work early to pick up kids. Men in their 20s/30s do a lot more childcare than previous generations in my experience. This was seen as ok but not when the women got pregnant (3 of us were laid off in one go). Women are still assumed to do more and to be less reliable when they have kids which is not a reality in my experience. In my industry women often work twice as hard to prove their worth and go back to work after less than 6 months because they're worried about how they're judged.

Double-standard is clearly alive and well.

I would agree with the realistic approach as well.
They shouldn’t ask. But if you decline to answer, realistically they will find a good-on-paper reason not to give you the role.
Different options i would consider:

• not say you had a baby and say the gap in the cv is because you were training / travelling / …
• say that the baby’s other parent stays at home

However, don’t say you can travel overnight if really you can’t. If you won’t be able to start work before 9 or won’t be able to leave after 4:30, say it. If you need to leave the office mid afternoon to pickup and then WFH, make it clear. Etc

Terrible and clearly discriminatory

This is a great idea!

Yes everyone saying about the ills of lying in the interview. You are entitled not to tell them the truth as it has no bearing on the job. If someone asked you about your sexual orientation or your ethnic background and someone lied, who would you be saying is in the wrong there? Unless the job requires one of those things, then it is irrelevant and discriminatory.

I was in same position of looking for a new job, I’d actually had 3 years out as tried to set up my own business then got pregnant. I was upfront about it and suggest you are too, they’ll find out and wouldn’t you rather work somewhere family friendly. Put full time parent on your CV, I didn’t apply for jobs I proactively approached companies and literally everyone wanted to interview me (finance so also male dominated) , so I don’t think it was a factor, I was also upfront about my childcare and working hours.

I’m angry but not surprised that even recruiters are giving shoddy advice

this is an illegal question- https://www.gov.uk/employer-preventing-discrimination/recruitment

I’d practice a response something like
’im not going to answer that as it’s an illegal question that suggests an intent to discriminate on the basis of sex age or marital status which are all protected characteristics under the 2010 equality act. I’m sure you don’t mean to do anything like that so best for us all to avoid it even in chit chat to avoid any misunderstandings’

and then try find somewhere that isn’t awful to work for

It shouldn't be asked but if it comes up again the answer would be "the break was for family reasons that have now resolved"

Then they don't know if it is a caring for an elderly parent situation who has gone into care etc

I would say I had personal reasons for having a break. It could be an illness in family, your own illness or whatever. Would they question someone who experienced that? I also thought asking such questions is illegal.
You can say that during that time you pursued a self-study/personal projects. That was a suggestion from a recruiter for when I was unemployed during the late 2000's job market slump.
I work in tech too.
I learned never mention kids during interview. None of their business!
I have 2 and was a single parent for many years and learned that from experience too.

@roses2 well it's not policy for most companies for employees to be caring for children while working so regardless whether this was a man or woman clearly that is wrong. Surprised she volunteered this information and also surprised at people who think they can work and look after a child. I don't know anyone who does that, especially women who work in serious jobs. Occassionally I've seen colleagues with sick children at home but again, both male and female.

You shouldn't be asking any questions you wouldn't ask both sexes.

100% this. Genius.

Nothing will make me feel more like a hardcore, extreme feminist than reading single parent threads. Specifically single mother threads. I bet even single fathers who are the primary carer don't deal with this shit. It's absolutely infuriating. And I don't even have children!!!

How would they even know he was the single parent of a small child, though? I don't think they would ask the questions for that to come up.

Thanks for the feedback. Redrafted my response to the in-house recruiter:

"Hello X, I had a really positive interview with Y just now. I just wanted to flag that I was asked in one of my interviews yesterday about my marital status and if I have children. I wanted to flag this as I'm aware that this question tends to lead to conscious or unconscious negative bias towards women and I have myself experienced this bias in interviews over the last few months. The UK government asks companies not to ask these interview questions for exactly this reason: https://www.gov.uk/employer-preventing-discrimination/recruitment 

Overall I've had a really positive experience interviewing with XCOMPANY and I'd like to reiterate that if I was offered the job then I would be 100% committed to the role and that having children has no bearing on this commitment. I'm aware of the requirements of the role and I am confident that I can fulfill these. If there are any doubts with regards to any of this side of things, please let me know."