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WFH with toddler

263 replies

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 08:36

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2024 08:41

Sounds really stressful and it does need to change before you lose your job.
Is the childs father involved? Does he contribute financially?
You feel that you are not a great employee or parent at this point and you may be right, is there another childcare place that can give you more hours?

DeleteIfNotAloud · 25/04/2024 08:50

Have you actually checked about getting help with childcare costs? Lots of people on decent incomes can still get UC for childcare costs so I think you should look into it.

Jessforless · 25/04/2024 08:51

Can you sell the house and move somewhere slightly smaller?

PosyPrettyToes · 25/04/2024 08:53

Switch childcare settings to one where you can use the two mornings you can afford and the free hours.

MumChp · 25/04/2024 09:03

In a year he starts school. Might help you to get more hours for work. Right now find a preschool/nursery which fits better for the hours you pay and the funded hours.
Have you looked up UC?

Can you get a job working from home which fits family hours better? Or doesn't have the monitoring part?
Can you do hours then he sleeps and earn a bit money that they?
My ds does toturing of foreign students after dinner time. It fits their time zones. And fits his day time university classes.

What about dad or family. Can they help you out?

AccountCreateUsername · 25/04/2024 09:04

Tell work you’ve lost the childcare place or somethings happened. That your situation has changed suddenly. What you’re doing isn’t sustainable. Good luck!

Jazzjazzyjulez · 25/04/2024 09:11

To be honest, I am not surprised you were being pulled up - disappearing from your computer for an hour is not ok.

There are a million threads on here explaining why working from home with a kid is not sustainable. I did it during covid and it nearly broke me and thousands of others.

What about his dad? Childcare is his responsibility too.

Uncooperativefingers · 25/04/2024 09:16

AccountCreateUsername · 25/04/2024 09:04

Tell work you’ve lost the childcare place or somethings happened. That your situation has changed suddenly. What you’re doing isn’t sustainable. Good luck!

But what are work supposed to do about that?

If a member of my team came to me saying that, my response would be along the lines of "sounds rubbish, how much annual leave do you need to take to cover until he starts his new nursery?" And I'd do my best to ensure that a/l is possible. I certainly wouldn't be knowingly letting op work with a toddler in the house.

If I had suspicions that the toddler was in the house, that would be taken very seriously in my organisation. I know someone has lost their job over it.

Swearwolf · 25/04/2024 09:37

Could you use a childminder for wraparound care to enable you to take the free 15 hours? That's what I did, we put him in the school nursery and had a childminder pick him up.

AccountCreateUsername · 25/04/2024 09:49

Uncooperativefingers · 25/04/2024 09:16

But what are work supposed to do about that?

If a member of my team came to me saying that, my response would be along the lines of "sounds rubbish, how much annual leave do you need to take to cover until he starts his new nursery?" And I'd do my best to ensure that a/l is possible. I certainly wouldn't be knowingly letting op work with a toddler in the house.

If I had suspicions that the toddler was in the house, that would be taken very seriously in my organisation. I know someone has lost their job over it.

They can’t sack her. They could sack her now if they find out she’s been wfh and looking after a child.
that way she has some protection from losing her job whilst she finds a solution.

AccountCreateUsername · 25/04/2024 09:52

Uncooperativefingers · 25/04/2024 09:16

But what are work supposed to do about that?

If a member of my team came to me saying that, my response would be along the lines of "sounds rubbish, how much annual leave do you need to take to cover until he starts his new nursery?" And I'd do my best to ensure that a/l is possible. I certainly wouldn't be knowingly letting op work with a toddler in the house.

If I had suspicions that the toddler was in the house, that would be taken very seriously in my organisation. I know someone has lost their job over it.

Sorry I didn’t read your post fully - yes to having to use up leave etc but she’s been REALLYucky her work haven’t cottoned on yet. Pretending she had to withdraw the child for cuz reason might mean she can sort her childcare situation out.

Although it’s just another lie to worry about. Again good luck OP!

BodenCardiganNot · 25/04/2024 09:55

You say 'we'. Do you have a partner?

Sunshineclouds11 · 25/04/2024 09:58

I have a mortgage and get benefits, I'm assuming it's because there's two wages?
If just yours, you will be entitled, just no housing element.

Can you make up hours when he's in bed?

IlesFlottante · 25/04/2024 10:02

Honestly I'd sell the house, take the financial hit and buy smaller or rent. Life's for living it's not just about money and it sounds absolutely miserable and damaging for all of you

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:09

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2024 08:41

Sounds really stressful and it does need to change before you lose your job.
Is the childs father involved? Does he contribute financially?
You feel that you are not a great employee or parent at this point and you may be right, is there another childcare place that can give you more hours?

Yeah he lives with us, we both bring in the income but it’s just so expensive. His money don’t even cover the expense of our bills and we have nothing on finance, just the cost of the interest rates on our mortgage and costs of other bills!
ive enquired with a few other local pre schools but where the 15 free hours have come in they’re booked up too!

OP posts:
Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:11

IlesFlottante · 25/04/2024 10:02

Honestly I'd sell the house, take the financial hit and buy smaller or rent. Life's for living it's not just about money and it sounds absolutely miserable and damaging for all of you

I have spoken to my partner about this, to sell up and travel. We have about £100k equity in the house and I need a break at this point, my family causes me a lot of stress too which takes another toll on my energy!
I wish we could downsize, we live in a two bedroom terraced house so nothing fancy! And we managed to get this as cheap as some flats in our area, but it needed ripping completely out and renovating which we’ve done but of course spent any savings we had before buying!

OP posts:
Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:16

Btw my partner is very good and hands on, but he works 6 days a week to bring in extra income to cover our bills. I get this is the case for a lot of working families and it’s tough but I feel like I’m drowning a bit!!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2024 10:18

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:16

Btw my partner is very good and hands on, but he works 6 days a week to bring in extra income to cover our bills. I get this is the case for a lot of working families and it’s tough but I feel like I’m drowning a bit!!

Do you live somewhere expensive?
Could you move (jobs permitting)

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:19

I just wonder if everybody is this unhappy and struggling every day? I cry every.single.day and it’s draining!!! just feel frustrated and controlled by money. I look at all my mum friends; none of them work and are so lucky so then I feel jealous and that isn’t a trait I want to have of my friends! Just feel like I’m a crap parent tbh.

OP posts:
Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:28

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2024 10:18

Do you live somewhere expensive?
Could you move (jobs permitting)

We live just outside of London so fairly expensive, although where isn’t now! We couldn’t move too far because jobs really!

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 25/04/2024 10:33

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 10:19

I just wonder if everybody is this unhappy and struggling every day? I cry every.single.day and it’s draining!!! just feel frustrated and controlled by money. I look at all my mum friends; none of them work and are so lucky so then I feel jealous and that isn’t a trait I want to have of my friends! Just feel like I’m a crap parent tbh.

That’s interesting that none of your mum friends work, as ALL of my mum friends work. And we pay for childcare.

What you’re doing can’t continue because of several reasons. And you risk your work finding out, or someone grassing you in. I would honestly have a good talk with your partner about making a big change. Either you move somewhere cheaper and get new jobs, or you find any childcare that you can eg childminder and suck up the cost until school.

SnapdragonToadflax · 25/04/2024 10:41

Working at home with a toddler is insanely stressful, I did it during Covid and it broke me. I also cried every day. It was hideous.

Are you on waiting lists at all the nurseries? People's circumstances change, especially in the early years - children were always moving nursery when my son was there - you might get a place sooner than you think. And do you have a pre-school lined up for September when you'll get 30 hours?

You need to be proactive - ring every nursery, pre-school and childminder you can find in the area and get yourself on lists. All of my friends work, so a completely different social demographic to you - but we all have childcare. Some people are lucky enough to have parents nearby to do some of it, but many don't.

Selling up to travel and giving up 100k equity in the house would be daft, in my opinion. Your son will be starting school soon and will need stability. You need to be living where you want him to go to school the winter before he starts, so you can apply to nearby schools.

Also check what benefits you're entitled to, there might be more available than you think. And you know about tax-free childcare, right?

beanii · 29/04/2024 17:52

You are entitled to benefits with a mortgage - I know as I had no choice but to work part time and rely on benefits for a while until my children were in school

Have a play around on the website Entitled To - you can see what you'd get say working 25 hours or 16 hours etc.

It's very accurate.

Ladyluck22 · 29/04/2024 17:59

Could you go part time and maybe do an evening job to make up some of the shortfall

Doone22 · 29/04/2024 18:01

If all your mates are benefit scroungers why the hell are they not offering free childcare?
I think you need new house, job and friends.
WFH where you are constantly monitored is a bit shit too. You're not a toddler. Get a mouse mover to give you enough time for your breaks at least.
Are work childcare vouchers still a thing?
Look for a better job and move away from London.?