Page 10 | WFH with toddler

GreyPoster · 01/05/2024 03:46

Ukrainebaby23 · 01/05/2024 02:42

I have a house, 2 bed terrace, the area is not expensive and would cost about £125k to buy now.
It's a reasonable place to live.

Nursery's have places for under 5s, though some you have to top up fees for 'funded' places

You could both get jobs on minimum wages and be better off and have better qol. Give it some thought.
.

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Cooor where do you live? Are there any jobs near you ? 🤣 Where I’m from it’s at LEAST triple that💀
But then again, all our family lives here so we’d lose the support. Isn’t it funny how every one’s situations differ!

xxx82 · 01/05/2024 05:17

Atypicalmumm · 25/04/2024 08:36

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

No judgement here.

It was obvious from your original post that you already know what’s wrong with this situation and you’re clearly doing a very thorough job of beating yourself up over the impact you believe it’s having on your child and employer.

I think it’s clear you didn’t need anyone to reinforce, or elaborate on, these issues and I’m sorry so many people chose to do that. I doubt they raised anything that you weren’t already feeling bad about. But I’m just as sure that they made you feel even worse than you already did.

And you even shared how awful you were already feeling - you are miserable and you are crying every day. Even more than sharing that, the most obvious sign that you need empathy, not judgement, is the way you so quickly brushed over it. As if the impact it’s having on you doesn’t matter.

It matters.

You matter.

And it’s not ok that you’re living your life feeling like this.

First and foremost, you need to prioritise yourself. You need to make your life work for you. And from that you can then do the best for the people around you.

Unfortunately, we usually can’t get everything we want - or at least we often can’t get it all at the same time.

Just now, you’re prioritising the house. Everything else you’re doing and compromising is so that you can afford this house. And a fixer-upper that’s stretched you this much - I’m assuming it was the dream house. The family home you wanted to raise your child in. So I understand why you made the choice to go for it.

But now you say that you wish you hadn’t bought it.

So sell it.

I know you’ll have thought of this option already. But I think you might need to have this option validated. You bought it as a fixer-upper and since then you’ve spent money on it. You’ll be able to sell it.

And yes, maybe it was supposed to be your forever home but there will be other houses in the future to replace it.

If the house is that important though and you absolutely don’t want to sell it, then you need to find a way to afford it that doesn’t put you in this position.

if the money problems are about debt you built up for the repairs then there are options for that. Debt arrangement schemes. And these schemes would see childcare costs as an essential expenditure. You’d still pay back what you borrowed, you just wouldn’t have all the interest and it would be one affordable payment. And they will never come after your house. That’s protected.

But you also said “we” bought the house. From your post though, you seem to be the only one having to manage full time childcare and full time work. What is the other half of your “we” doing?

Take the fact you can work from home out of the equation. That’s just location. Treat your work the same way that you would if you were in an office.

How would you both manage then?

one option could be for you both to condense your hours so you’re working 5 days over 4 days. Leaving you both one day a week for childcare. And then with 15 hours free childcare (find somewhere that can take him) could you afford to pay the extra for him to be in nursery for 3 days?

You have options. I think you just can’t see them because you’re feeling overwhelmed and trapped. You can’t do it all - something needs to give. And your co-parent needs to step up and help.

H12345 · 01/05/2024 05:57

I really feel for you and just want to say everything will be okay!
It’s so easy to put ourselves down and there is nothing worse then mum guilt but try look at all the positive in your situation.
In a huge housing crisis you’ve bought a house and probably made a ton of money from the renovation. Your son has a safe, stable and loving home which is the most important thing you can give him.
You and your husband are building careers and this will without a doubt pay off in the future with established careers and solid pensions. UC isn’t a nice life trust me.
childcare is so difficult as not enough places available. Maybe look at new areas or try and find a solution to this as it would massively help your situation.
use policy and practice better off calculator to see what benefits you might be entitled to at the moment or if you changes hours or had childcare.
use turn to us to see if there are any grants or support you can access to help with bills.
Most importantly yes you have to work but don’t feel bad for it. Make little breaks to have fun and always maximise the fun before and after work.
You’ve got this, won’t be long till school starts and everything will get so much easier.
remember all a child needs is to know they are loved and safe ….. your a great mum and he is a very lucky boy to have such hardworking and caring parents.

chaticat · 01/05/2024 06:16

Grammarnut · 30/04/2024 23:14

I know about dosing children with laudanum, coal gas, gin and brandy. Some children died of such things because their desperate mothers needed to work and the much lauded 'extended family' has never existed in the way people imagine. Children also died of polio, scarlet fever, measles, rheumatic fever, falling off a chair or out of a tree (try Persausion on the worry such an incident could cause). None of that was my point, which was that women have always been lumbered with both domestic work and childcare (and childbearing) as well as pulling in an outside job - a thing a lot of twenty-first century feminists (and twentieth century ones, too) took no notice of when they campaigned for the right of all women to go out to work, 24 hour childcare etc, which policies have made life much worse for most women, who don't have high-flying, well paid jobs, but work on checkouts, in offices at dull jobs, in schools where discipline is a nightmare because the children are not properly socialised or have any understanding of discipline. Feminists played straight into the hands of neo-liberal capitalism and the destruction of the post-war social contract by people like Thatcher, and then feminists embraced this new world where everyone must work, when the original idea was that women who wanted to work outside the home either as unmarried women or as married women should be able to do so and be paid the same as men. As part of my degree I researched women's lives 1900 to 1934. 'The Case of Margaret Miller, The Campaign for the Right of Married Women to Earn' covers most of this. (Word to the wise on this: don't flaunt your degree - others also have them.)

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That poster wasn't "flaunting" their degree they were putting into context why they'd been looking at coroners reports!

chaticat · 01/05/2024 06:16

Segway16 · 30/04/2024 22:23

Having been here during lockdown I can imagine how hard it’s been. But you’ve done the best with the situation you were in. That’s all you can do. If your child is three and you both work, they should be entitled to 30 free hours now so get them in a preschool! Everything will start to feel easier.

There are no spaces

chaticat · 01/05/2024 06:18

Bushra385 · 30/04/2024 21:21

You sound like a snitch to me . Mothers need
to be supported in the workplace , not penalised !

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They need to be supported with things like flexible working, time off when child is sick. Not being supported to look after their child while they work and do a half arsed job at both tasks.

ringoffiire · 01/05/2024 06:21

GrannyRose15 · 30/04/2024 18:56

I didn’t say she had plenty of money. I said, as others have done, that her present lifestyle isn’t sustainable. And she should be making changes to ensure hers and her family’s future happiness. Many of us have been in a similar situation - and bitten off more than we can chew. The mature thing to do is to recognise this and do your best to get yourself out of the mess. The infantile thing to do is to cry “woe is me” and expect others to pick up the pieces in terms of benefits payments.

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Not sure why you quoted me as if we were saying vastly different things. I agreed with you.

PopandFizz · 01/05/2024 06:30

If you and your partner both work then you should be entitled to 30 hours when they are 3, unless they have just turned 3 since the April.

Ask your friends if any of them can help you with childcare of they are all stay at home mums.
You know the reality of the situation, its not fair on your tot to be stuck inside all day everyday without being stimulated and played with. This is why free childcare exists. Maybe you need to look further afield.
Have you looked at a proper preschool, attached to a school for September onwards? These tend to be far cheaper and more likely to have spaces.

ChildcareChildWhere · 01/05/2024 06:45

Ok, I’m going to be blunt here. There is no way this is sustainable. I don’t know how you’ve coped for so long! You need some help.

My little boy is 3 and there is no way I can work with him (obviously there’s been the odd day when childcare has let me down or he’s been poorly and hasn’t been able to go in so I’ve had to manage), work are always aware when he’s here because there’s no way I can hide it. I suppose it depends what you do though.

If he’s almost 3 I’d suggest putting yourself on a waiting list for local nurseries. People move etc. Will he start school nursery where you are the term after his third birthday?

This is something that needs to be sorted between yourself and your partner. It’s not just your responsibility because you wfh.

We’re due to move shortly and the town we are moving to has very little in the way of wrap around care etc. My little boy will be in school nursery 8-4 (including wrap around), so I’ve had to approach work to check me leaving the office at 14:45 every day will be ok. I’ll then have to log in when I get home with my little boy, but keeping him entertained with a snack and an activity for an hour until his dad gets home is doable. Working with him there all day is not.

No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed!

Could you move? Could you change your hours? You might be surprised if you speak to work, when I came back from maternity leave they let me drop a day but still pay me for 4.5 days. That made it more worthwhile as paying for 3 days of childcare was not financially viable for us at the time. We are lucky that our parents help for the other 2 days. Do you have any family close by that could help?

GreyPoster · 01/05/2024 08:37

xxx82 · 01/05/2024 05:17

No judgement here.

It was obvious from your original post that you already know what’s wrong with this situation and you’re clearly doing a very thorough job of beating yourself up over the impact you believe it’s having on your child and employer.

I think it’s clear you didn’t need anyone to reinforce, or elaborate on, these issues and I’m sorry so many people chose to do that. I doubt they raised anything that you weren’t already feeling bad about. But I’m just as sure that they made you feel even worse than you already did.

And you even shared how awful you were already feeling - you are miserable and you are crying every day. Even more than sharing that, the most obvious sign that you need empathy, not judgement, is the way you so quickly brushed over it. As if the impact it’s having on you doesn’t matter.

It matters.

You matter.

And it’s not ok that you’re living your life feeling like this.

First and foremost, you need to prioritise yourself. You need to make your life work for you. And from that you can then do the best for the people around you.

Unfortunately, we usually can’t get everything we want - or at least we often can’t get it all at the same time.

Just now, you’re prioritising the house. Everything else you’re doing and compromising is so that you can afford this house. And a fixer-upper that’s stretched you this much - I’m assuming it was the dream house. The family home you wanted to raise your child in. So I understand why you made the choice to go for it.

But now you say that you wish you hadn’t bought it.

So sell it.

I know you’ll have thought of this option already. But I think you might need to have this option validated. You bought it as a fixer-upper and since then you’ve spent money on it. You’ll be able to sell it.

And yes, maybe it was supposed to be your forever home but there will be other houses in the future to replace it.

If the house is that important though and you absolutely don’t want to sell it, then you need to find a way to afford it that doesn’t put you in this position.

if the money problems are about debt you built up for the repairs then there are options for that. Debt arrangement schemes. And these schemes would see childcare costs as an essential expenditure. You’d still pay back what you borrowed, you just wouldn’t have all the interest and it would be one affordable payment. And they will never come after your house. That’s protected.

But you also said “we” bought the house. From your post though, you seem to be the only one having to manage full time childcare and full time work. What is the other half of your “we” doing?

Take the fact you can work from home out of the equation. That’s just location. Treat your work the same way that you would if you were in an office.

How would you both manage then?

one option could be for you both to condense your hours so you’re working 5 days over 4 days. Leaving you both one day a week for childcare. And then with 15 hours free childcare (find somewhere that can take him) could you afford to pay the extra for him to be in nursery for 3 days?

You have options. I think you just can’t see them because you’re feeling overwhelmed and trapped. You can’t do it all - something needs to give. And your co-parent needs to step up and help.

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Yes!!! This!!! Most of the people
commenting need therapy before giving advice to other mothers, we are supposed to support each other!

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 08:48

Runningupthecurtains · 30/04/2024 23:28

Gosh really I thought I was terribly special and the only person ever to have a degree. 🙄 I most certainly wasn't 'flaunting' it. Just pointing out that kids at home while working, what ever the nature of the work has never been in the kids best interests.
The domestic stuff can be integrated with child care in a way paid work can't. From my granny popping us in sown up duster slippers to 'skate' across the hall floor to having a toddler 'sort' the laundry and with commentary to learn colours, numbers etc but there are vanishingly few paid jobs that are suitable for preschooler participation.

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Just wondered. The things you mention did happen, of course. Was your granny charring or at home? The point you make is true, working from home not in interests of children - except it kept them fed, of course. Women of the working classes have always worked and looked after their children at the same time - children had to (and have to) fit round what adults are doing. Now, when all women are expected to be out at work the jobs you can do at home and mid a child are few. Perhaps we should value mothers at home with children more, include their input in the GDP (as some Nordic countries do) and use the money currently thrown at getting mothers of tiny babies back into at least part-time 'work' to help mothers find their own childcare, including that childcare being them? Also more woman-friendly career structure.

ivs · 01/05/2024 08:53

GreyPoster · 30/04/2024 21:32

Who said it’d be half arsed? Do people just join this site to tell people they don’t know that they aren’t able to do things? 👁️👄👁️

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It would be halfarsed though if trying to WFH at the same time. OP is struggling to look after a child while she is meant to be working, how is home schooling a lighter task?

A lot of WFH jobs are at specific times (and if OPs wasnt, then she wouldnt have so many issues with childcare as her partner could look after the child while she works)

ivs · 01/05/2024 08:56

GreyPoster · 01/05/2024 03:42

If she’s entitled to top up her wage via UC there’s literally no issue. I’d rather pay my taxes to support an exhausted mother feeling the crunch of a badly designed society in the middle of a cost of living crisis & make an innocent child’s life a little happier than to support a hell of a lot of things that you think your tax money is going to 😂

I agree - I have no issue with someone like OP getting some help to get by - however, if she and partner are working full time - they bloody well shouldnt have to - they should be paid enough (my gripe is pay is too low to live on, not the op isnt working hard enough)

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 09:11

chaticat · 01/05/2024 06:16

That poster wasn't "flaunting" their degree they were putting into context why they'd been looking at coroners reports!

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They could just have said 'I was researching', perhaps, as I did. Maybe I am touchy? It just came over a bit 'I am educated' to me. Apologies all round, from me.

Runningupthecurtains · 01/05/2024 09:28

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 09:11

They could just have said 'I was researching', perhaps, as I did. Maybe I am touchy? It just came over a bit 'I am educated' to me. Apologies all round, from me.

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To 'flaunt' a pissed poorly paid and probably to most people dull as ditch water (But I loved it) job I once had I used to analyse ONS census data so I am well aware that approximately one third of UK adults have a bachelor's degree (touching 50% in the younger generation of adults) so I don't regard it as something in anyway remarkable or impressive. But if I just stated I spent a few weeks reading about historical child deaths it would probably make me sound like a weirdo.

I'm out earned by DH and Dsis who don't have degrees, I know high earning people, low earning people, happy people, sad people, fulfilled people, bored people, nice people, horrible people, funny people, dull people, hard working people, lazy people and just about every other metric of people with and without degrees.

I assume that lot of people on MN have degrees and/or professional qualifications but I don't make that an assumption about individual posters. And I most certainly don't judge people by whether they do or not (especially on an anonymous forum where you have no idea if people are telling the truth or not).

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 09:38

Runningupthecurtains · 01/05/2024 09:28

To 'flaunt' a pissed poorly paid and probably to most people dull as ditch water (But I loved it) job I once had I used to analyse ONS census data so I am well aware that approximately one third of UK adults have a bachelor's degree (touching 50% in the younger generation of adults) so I don't regard it as something in anyway remarkable or impressive. But if I just stated I spent a few weeks reading about historical child deaths it would probably make me sound like a weirdo.

I'm out earned by DH and Dsis who don't have degrees, I know high earning people, low earning people, happy people, sad people, fulfilled people, bored people, nice people, horrible people, funny people, dull people, hard working people, lazy people and just about every other metric of people with and without degrees.

I assume that lot of people on MN have degrees and/or professional qualifications but I don't make that an assumption about individual posters. And I most certainly don't judge people by whether they do or not (especially on an anonymous forum where you have no idea if people are telling the truth or not).

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Most of the people I know do not have degrees, and have succeeded well. I would recommend following a trade, myself, and getting qualified that way - plumbing is unlikely to be taken over by AI. If 50% of people have a first degree, then first degrees are not worth what they once were and I notice lots of careers now require an MA - seems like qualification creep and is a great pity! I sympathise re ONS data, I spent months analysing census data too, looking for women's occupations and marital status - utterly boring.

user1493375230 · 01/05/2024 10:27

HOPE YOU ARE OK OP x

chaticat · 01/05/2024 12:58

ivs · 01/05/2024 08:53

It would be halfarsed though if trying to WFH at the same time. OP is struggling to look after a child while she is meant to be working, how is home schooling a lighter task?

A lot of WFH jobs are at specific times (and if OPs wasnt, then she wouldnt have so many issues with childcare as her partner could look after the child while she works)

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Exactly! People tried it during covid and it was horrific

chaticat · 01/05/2024 13:02

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 09:38

Most of the people I know do not have degrees, and have succeeded well. I would recommend following a trade, myself, and getting qualified that way - plumbing is unlikely to be taken over by AI. If 50% of people have a first degree, then first degrees are not worth what they once were and I notice lots of careers now require an MA - seems like qualification creep and is a great pity! I sympathise re ONS data, I spent months analysing census data too, looking for women's occupations and marital status - utterly boring.

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@Runningupthecurtains Doesn't need career advice! They were just explaining why on earth they were looking at coroners reports! Like they said so people didn't think they were just looking at them for fun!!!

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 13:52

chaticat · 01/05/2024 13:02

@Runningupthecurtains Doesn't need career advice! They were just explaining why on earth they were looking at coroners reports! Like they said so people didn't think they were just looking at them for fun!!!

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I wasn't giving careers advice, just a comment on trades. And why would one not look at coroners' reports for fun? Or interest, of course. It doesn't need a reason if you are interested in something.

chaticat · 01/05/2024 15:11

Grammarnut · 01/05/2024 13:52

I wasn't giving careers advice, just a comment on trades. And why would one not look at coroners' reports for fun? Or interest, of course. It doesn't need a reason if you are interested in something.

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Ok fine whatever floats your boat but the poster was explaining why they were looking at them. Just for a bit of context. Nothing wrong with context or must we keep our posts to the bare minimum.

Atina321 · 01/05/2024 15:15

Are you sure you don’t qualify for any benefits? We used to get help when my daughter was small despite us both working. I’m not sure how it’s changed recently but it’s worth speaking to Citizens Advice.

ALKan · 01/05/2024 16:27

Are you using government tax free childcare portal? This will save you 20% on your costs.

Are you claiming child benefit that you’re entitled to? (I think everyone can claim this?)

Sit down and look at all your outgoings and see what you can cut down on? Switching to cheaper deals/energy/phone providers etc?

Call the mortgage company and ask for a temporary pause due to financial struggles?Switch to interest only payments for a while?

Have a look at Citizens Advice, they can maybe point you in the right direction of free financial advice.

Please don’t lose hope, there are things you can do, and this isn’t forever.

Worst case scenario you could look at selling the house. Maybe get it valued so you have an idea and can make a decision.

GrannyRose15 · 01/05/2024 16:45

ringoffiire · 01/05/2024 06:21

Not sure why you quoted me as if we were saying vastly different things. I agreed with you.

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Sorry I took your post to be ironic. My mistake.

Louloo · 01/05/2024 17:12

OP have you checked if you are entitled to more help? UC could help you and you shouldn't be forced to work as long as your partner earns enough.
I'm really sorry you are in this position. No one should be struggling to just keep a roof over your head.