WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

I just wonder if everybody is this unhappy and struggling every day? I cry every.single.day and it’s draining!!! just feel frustrated and controlled by money.

Sorry OP but this is what happens when you live beyond your means. You and your child are quite clearly suffering as a result. Sell up and try and buy again another time, this hasn’t worked out for you.

Wouldn't it be better to find a job working weekends for 16 hours and have Monday to Friday free to spend with your child. If your on a low wage and your husband they can top your income up.

It's almost not worth changing now, unless you're planning another child (which honestly sounds like a bad idea). He'll get his 30 free hours soon. Can you switch to a childminder or something if you can get a place where they have space for him? Sounds like almost anything is better than the current arrangement.

I'm sorry to say, if his speech really is delayed and he's falling behind, what's been happening is neglectful. No point dwelling on it now though as it's done - get him into a setting where his needs are met.

You sound surprised by this notion. That is the case for a lot of people. Where we live nurseries cost £85-110 per day (if you can get a place!). You do the maths on 5 days a week. Add in increased mortgage payments, household bills and the general increased cost of living across the board. Not everyone is in a position to earn the money to cover all of that. Yet they still won’t qualify for benefits or UC.

People also are quite quick to forget that despite two full time wages there are still deductions to pay which may include tax, NI, pension, student loan. Therefore the amount you earn is far from the amount you actually receive. And whilst you’re struggling you still
might not be entitled to any benefits or UC.

The first 3 years of a child's life are so important, you need to get this sorted and fast. Not only are you putting your job at risk, you could be putting your child at a disadvantage for life. Ask a relative or pay a friend to help as a short term stop gap?

Op would any of your mum friends be willing to babysit even a few hours each day?

I think it's amazing you haven't been found out before now. And I'm not surprised you're completely stressed out and burnt out.

Would an aupair be an option? You are not far from London, so that could be attractive. You would have to move your child's bed in your room to give the aupair her room. Not ideal, but you asked for ideas, this is one.

Having a mortgage doesn't disqualify you from getting benefits, or did you mean that your income is too high, but your still struggling because the mortgage is expensive?

Would you feel comfortable giving some rough income figures, then people might be able to suggest anything you could be entitled to.

Could you try and work on changing this narrative in your head? You could feel proud to work, rather than take benefits you mentioned all your friends are taking. But do look into all the childcare benefits that are available, and it may need flexibility on nurseries perhaps?

Most people go back to work early and with some nursery structure their children develop beautifully. Doesn’t even have to be nursery, look into child minders or shared Nanny these can be a lot cheaper.

its really not okay to be working from home with your child like this. For both of you, and your employer.

Yes they can!

you've left it to late to get childcare- everywhere is full.

You'll have to downsize if you've bought beyond your means. Your partner will need to drop some hours and you can ask to have some flexible working too and maybe condense your hours.

This is really unfair on your child. People do work and have kids but they don't try and look after a child while working. That wad a temporary solution for covid and it damaged many people's mental health. At the absolute most an employer might be ok with it if your child's nursery can't have them for a day.

For a temporary reprieve consider asking for unpaid parental leave. This has to be taken in week long blocks.

You also work 5 days a week though? And you basically do 2 jobs when you're doing it. It's absolutely unfair for him to put this solely on you.

To atypicalmumm
Don’t be angry with yourself. You need to be kind to yourself. we all make mistakes and some of us have an easier time than others, for whom it is a great struggle with little Support.
Do you have friends or family that can give you help and support? You can only do your best and try to think the best of yourself. I’m sure you are doing better than you think. Make the best of every day and tried to make whatever time you have with your child, precious. Before long, your child will be at school and it should be easier for you. I hope and pray that you will feel better about yourself. It is a blessing to have a child, but that does not mean that it is always easy. God bless you.

I'd be careful saying bad parent, she's hardly got a choice tbh. A bad parent doesn't care

What about paying your friends to look after him a lot cheaper then childcare and also helps them out if their not working

You absolutely cannot do this any more op, it's not fair on work and it's absolutely not fair or safe for your son. 3 year olds need constant supervision!! Please, stop.

My colleague told me they put a credit card in their keyboard and looks like working. Not sure if works. I do a mixture of wfh and office but luckily my son a teenager. This is not a go at you but was telling a colleague who was moaning to me she had to come in the office an extra day one week as i had to put a big meeting in and the only date we could find, and the trauma of not getting her kid from school that day. She had grandparent cover. Imagine, what it was like pre lock down. Lots of people had to go in every day and sort childcare. Seemed to be more spaces then though as wasn't so many free hours. Hope you get sorted. X

OP I haven’t read through all your comments but just because you have a mortgage does not mean you are not entitled to benefits here’s a benefits calculator https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=49c09025-df77-4028-b0f0-390072026ace
or go to your local Citizens advice they will check that you are receiving everything you should or could be.

I don’t understand how you can have two FT jobs and can’t afford more childcare. You get the funded hours now, ring every nursery and childminder in your area. Put him on waiting lists and stop using excuses.
Lots of places will free up from September when children go to school.

This situation sounds completely unsustainable, unsafe and I do feel sorry for your son. He needs more attention, interaction and play time with other children.

Exactly this. Stop it now before he has an accident.

I have a toddler too and I can’t imagine working a full day with him at home let alone a week.

Yeah this can't carry on op, you know that. I had To wfh during covid with a 3 year old and it was hellish, he's now 6 and I do have the odd day in the holidays where I juggle work but it is just the odd day, and I am allowed to work flexibly so I work when he's in bed. You cant carry on every day like this, you'll either end up burned out, getting fired, your toddler will have an accident or something shit like that, it's not sustainable. I know you're trying your best but there has to be another option.

Posters effectively saying, “there must be childcare available, you just aren’t trying” - are you aware that it is quite possible in any given area that there are not enough settings to match the numbers of working parents, and that some of those settings (esp childminders) may not accept the 15/30h of funding at all, because it’s not enough to make ends meet.

I agree OP can’t carry on like this, but settings closing is the upshot of government pretence that the funding is generous.

Yes I agree she's left it far too late if she is looking into childcare now. This should have been sorted years ago. There is no childcare to access with the 15/30 hours.

People (let's be real often the mum) are having to cut back hours or quit. And yes people are having to sell up and downsize as mortgages are too much.

I'm not trying to be mean OP I'm just frustrated at the people saying just get more childcare like it's a viable option. It just isn't.

Op of course you feel horrendous - this is insane. You need to get a calm headed friend to sit down with you and talk through how to change this step by step - practical solutions.

you are right this is bad for your child - and for you!

Firstly - you need to really really work out how to go part time.

You need to find a childminder or local teenager/ someone who can take your kid to the park or playgroup every single day if you can't.

You need to basically - cut the work and increase the childcare however that happens.

She needs fo start putting him on waiting lists at least. My local preschool has places opening from September and I have been on the waiting list since January or February.

this situation is unsustainable, they have ro make some sacrifices now for the benefit of their child. All her friends that apparently don’t work might be able to do some paid babysitting?