WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

How many hours a week does your partner work? I'm struggling to see how just his income doesn't cover all the bills? Unless you've got over a grands worth of bills to pay each month.

You are entitled to Universal Credit if you both have savings under 16k, inbetween 6 and 16k a certain amount gets deducted. Even with a mortgage you are able to claim Universal Credit.

Does your OH work from home too? I know people who live well over an hour each way (one 2 hours each way!) but because they only need to go into the office 3 times per work they make it work because of the cheaper house prices.

At the moment you’re miserable because you are only just working within your means. Would definitely suggest selling and moving elsewhere! You will continue to struggle if you can’t find additional funds with your current living arrangement.

regarding your comment about travelling - if you are sincerely considering this then I wold definitely buy something you can let whilst you’re away so the mortgage can keep ticking over.

good luck OP

You need to sit down with your OH and come up with a plan

It sounds like your work is suffering, and if you are in breach of your contract, you could be dismissed instantly, so you need to work out a plan before this happens

You shouldn't be working and looking after your toddler at the same time, they are paying you to work

Is there really nowhere near you that has space? Have you spoken to the council to see if they know of anywhere?

If you moved further away from London, could you both get new jobs that would improve your situation?

This is not sustainable for either of you at the moment

Stop comparing yourself to others, check if you're entitled to any support in work or quit and manage the consequences. You are looking at childcare like its a choice its not its a necessity if you're in work. What do you think people did prior to covid or people who have non wfh jobs?

First of all, owning your house doesn’t prevent you from claiming benifits, have you tried applying for universal credit?? You just wouldn’t have a rent contribution but they can help with mortgage interest. They can also help with childcare costs.
It’s definitely worth making the enquiry’s.

Ha you thought about a child minder instead of a nursery if your current nursery can’t accommodate you

So for the past 2yrs you have lied to your work and said had childcare

You are very lucky not to have been found out tbh

I find it hard that there is no childcare about anywhere

Put in a claim for uc to help with childcare costs

And find an ofsted nanny

One of you need to find an evening job. Even if pub work - cleaning - Macdonlads - shelf stacking etx

Selling up to travel is madness if son starts school soon. You need a steady base for him

What are your bills

Write them done and people on mn can help find lower /cheaper

If ct is over 10mths move to 12

Can uou remortage and extend years then in 5/10 over pay and reduce years

Many friends have done this

If all friends don't work then surely they can help you with childcare

Really? I can't imagine there are many people that have household bills less than £1k. Her mortgage alone is likely more than that.

Do you have any relatives who are able to help look after your child while you work? Have you thought about an au pair? They are much more reasonably priced esp if you are able to give them accommodation (a spare room?)

She didn’t say her mates are benefit scroungers. There a lot of reasons why people are on benefits, not all are scrounging

To be so sad you are crying every day is heartbreaking.
It became obvious during the lockdowns no one can work from home and look after children and do both well, it just isn’t possible long term.

I’m not sure what to suggest. I was a sahm and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You might still be at home crying every day. Maybe explore childminders more or some childcare shares with other parents? Or nurseries a bit further afield? And get a referral now for speech and language because the wait list in most areas is huge.

How do you do 2 days a week in the office if your DC is only doing 2 mornings at “pre-school” which I am assuming in not a private nursery but a term time only setting because you call it a pre-school & not a nursery?

How did you manage to go into the office before September when you didn’t use the pre-school. Surely you didn’t leave the child at home while you popped into the office.

I can’t believe this has supposedly been going on for around 2 years.

If this is a true situation you have been very fortunate not to get found out & fired already.

So you both work full time earning enough to be over the threshold for all benefits and UC but you can’t afford childcare?

Can you go interest only on your mortgage for a while or extend the term to free up money for childcare?

Would one of your non-working friends help out with flexible childcare, it could be mutually beneficial for you?

I don't know any parents who don't work but those who don't use childcare all have family around to help manage or they work opposite shifts to cover the childcare. If you have no other means of managing it, then one of you need to consider taking a job role that works better around the other. It would be difficult for your relationship but might only be short-term to give you time to plan your work/home life needs better.

Also definitely check Entitledto to make sure you're not missing anything you might be entitled to.

Not that hard to believe considering the cost of everything these days, as well as the general lack of availability of childcare. Even with above average incomes, our childcare bill is over a quarter of our joint monthly income and our mortgage is nearly another quarter. Then throw in your other bills, insurances, day to day costs and you're not left with a whole lot at the end of a month I can tell you!!

Oh bless you, no they're not because you're doing 2 jobs at once! You can't parent and work at the exact same time, it's impossible (which, to be fair to workplaces, is why they don't allow it - its stressful and you can't work with a toddler there). I think the key is to really try and find the 15 hours somewhere (look at childminders as some can do the free hours as well as nursery, ask friends or your partners family, look at every option). I'd take a few days leave or call in sick to just focus on childcare options and get it nailed. Then you can catch up at work and your little one will have a busy day somewhere he is happy.

Financially, are you sure you don't qualify for any benefits? Just because you both work doesn't mean you're not entitled - try citizens advice if you need help. How much renovating can be diy, or can wait a little while, can you get kitchen/bathrooms from facebook marketplace or war on waste? Ultimately, if you can't afford your mortgage, to get your house livable and pay bills and childcare costs on both your salaries then you need to downsize or make more money (move out of London or look at a cheaper area or a flat, i wouldnt suggest trying a side hustle now because you're already stressed) childcare is an essential bill, and it's essential for your little one to have someone with him who is fully focused (don't feel bad, you're not super human, you can't do everything at once, but you clearly don't feel you're giving him the best experience right now and it's not your fault but it's not suprising given youre doing a full time job at the same time).

If your son is 3 before September, as long as neither you or your partner earns over £100k each, you should be eligible for 30 hours funding from September.

You will need to phone around lots of settings to find someone who offers it, but it will save you some money and stress.

This doesn’t sound sustainable long term, so you need a plan.
a) use the website “entitled to” and find out exactly what, if any financial assistance you are able to get
b) change your mortgage to interest only, at least until your child starts school
c) I don’t know what job you have, or what career prospects it offers, but I’d be tempted to take a career break/ change direction for a while - I worked evenings after my DH got home from work, when our children were small.
d) ask if any of your friends could help with childcare for a while
e) sign your child up for another childcare setting - mine all went to two, a couple of days in each, as they couldn’t get enough hours in one.
f) look at options for moving. I know you said that you can’t, because of work, and I don’t know what position your husband is in, but YOU wfh, and commuting once or twice a week might be worth the trade off. Especially if you have the option to ask for help from relatives. You might even be able to rent your own home out, and live somewhere cheaper for a while.

It’s not forever, even if it feels that way sometimes.

Have a look into the tax free childcare scheme and see if this can help and also the childcare element of universal Credit.

I honestly think you’ve done amazing to manage so far but understand why you’re finding it so hard.

If he’s 3 and you and your partner work full time shouldn’t you be entitled to 30 hours funding?

This sounds awful. I have a 1.5yr old when he is sick work don't mind me working while he is home and I usually just catch up when he is asleep, I cannot imagine trying to work while he is here.

I know you know and you're looking for a solution but this isn't fair on anyone. It might be time to look for a solution you don't really want, such as changing jobs/ your partner changing jobs / moving.

No wonder you are feeling this way working full time with a toddler. Most people wouldn’t manage, it’s not fair on your toddler at all and now your work have noticed.

You need to find a childcare setting asap that will take your toddler for more hours, nursery, preschool or childminder they are all better than having him sat at home with you. If he gets the free hours (guessing not term time) that will be about 10 hours so he could go an extra full day or 2 mornings.

Can your friends not help with childcare?

Can you relocate to a cheaper area?

Will your son get 30 free hours the term after he’s 3? This should be a massive help

You don't say what type of job you have. If it isn't very well paid, then could you leave it and do opposite shift to your DH for a while - ie you work Sundays and weekday evenings in a pub or restaurant etc? Once free hours kick in, you could try doing something else and take back the family time.

Putting your child in front of a screen absolutely isn't sustainable

Yes and go interest only mortgage

Have sent you a PM

WFH where you are constantly monitored is a bit shit too. You're not a toddler.

No, she is an employee who is taking money from her employer to work full time, when clearly she isn't doing that, and hasn't been doing it for a long time. That is what I would call 'a bit shit', not the people paying her actually expecting to earn their salary.

Sorry @Atypicalmumm , that wasn't intended as a dig at you, but attitudes like @Doone22 's set back the opportunities for people to be able to wfh so much. It is no wonder some employers have chosen to monitor how much work people are doing, when people are clearly defrauding them. To then call the employers 'shit' is a very weird way of thinking.

@Atypicalmumm - I agree with the suggestions above about getting on waiting lists for all the local Nurseries. About also being proactive with following up with enquiries, as people do leave for various reasons.
Also to check for sure if you aren't entitled to anything - pp has kindly posted links.
Also, make sure you are on top of the hours you are entitled to at Nursery, if you are both working FT.
Then, speak to your mortgage lender. You say you have £100K equity and your dc will start school in 16months time. See if you can either pay interest only for 16months, or extend the term of your mortgage so the monthly payments come down.

Have sent you a PM