WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

All those judging OP should be ashamed. You've obviously got granny and grandpappy helping with your childcare.

Um, yes, my mother did look after DS twice. (He's now too old to need childcare).

As OP herself says, she is underperforming at her job and she is neglecting her child. Neither of these things are to be encouraged.

Pre-Covid, this wouldn't have even been an option. OP and her partner would have had to pay for childcare, or made different decisions about their jobs, house, lifestyle etc. It shouldn't be an option now either.
I appreciate hindsight is a wonderful thing, but OP can't let this situation continue. Others have suggested options. She does need to actively pursue them, rather than hoping the situation will go away.

Eh? Of course a full time salary might only cover bills. I think that’s quite normal and would be many people’s situation.

OP, could you get a lodger? Lodger income is tax free up to a certain amount.

@Doone22 She's not a toddler, she's an adult defrauding her employer.

Yeh it’s strange non of your friends work, all of mine work at least part time with 1 kid. The ones that don’t is because 3 kids in nursery is logistically and financially difficult. Having said that being a SAHM is not an easy ride.

You have the worst of both worlds. Can you find a job that is flexible so you could work in the evening/ weekend when your partner has your child?

to answer your question no, not everyone is this unhappy, sorry. But I would be if I had to work with a baby at home. I work from home sometimes, but when my child is ill I have them at home and I can only really do the odd phone email and then proper work when they nap. It’s really not possible.

You say this like it isn't possible?

Once your son turns 3 you’ll get 30 hours since you’re both working, so it will be easier again. Get prepared now, put his name down for waiting lists and keep checking in local places to see if any spaces have become available.

What about childminders? They often have the odd space for say just one day a week, but between that and the two mornings you have at least it gives you another day of working uninterrupted whilst you work out what to do next - search Facebook to see if there’s any local parents groups where you can ask for recommendations, we have one called ‘find a childminder in nameoftown’ which is where we found our amazing childminder - post what days and times you need. They’re often cheaper than nursery so you might be able to afford a bit longer.

Are you claiming the tax free element of your childcare? That gets you 20% off so definitely look into that.

Put all your circumstances into a site like ‘entitled to‘ and see if there’s anything else to help out.

It sounds like an enormous amount of pressure and you’re probably right that it’s not sustainable - if work found out you could lose your job and like you say, you don’t feel able to be the mum you want to be. So something probably has to give - it must be very tough. I think you’re going to need to be very proactive about finding somewhere that can at least give you the 15 hours plus whatever else you can afford on top.

Frankly it’s a ridiculous idea to ask people to ‘help out’. Not a chance I’d have a friend’s toddler for a day for free so they could work while I didn’t. Childcare is hard work and not just an easy little favour since they don’t have paid employment.

All those judging OP should be ashamed. You've obviously got granny and grandpappy helping with your childcare.

Eh no most of us, use paid childcare, and many reduce working hours because their comes a point when it's not worth the stress and you end up paying more out in tax & childcare than what you bring in.

Op you need to ditch all none essential subscriptions. Bin, music & tv subscriptions need to go along with xbox subs. Amazon is another one to look out for.
Go through your bills and direct debits and see what you can get rid of.

Selling the house to go travelling is 100% stupid. It will leave you in a worse position trying to get on your feet later.

Selling to downsize is also daft. You'll end up spending more on lawyers & estate agent fees and stamp duty than you'll save.
But it's worth speaking with the mortgage lender, can you add years to the mortgage to get the current payments down.

But I still think its worth speaking with friends can they babysit for a bit to give you a hand.

I'm amazed you've got away with it so long, is it something daft like LO has dropped mid-day nap and it's more obvious that you aren't pulling your weight at work?

Current situation isn't sustainable. This is taking its toll on your MH and you're at risk of being sacked if / when your employers find out you're WFH with a toddler

Short term, I'd suggest extending the mortgage / changing to interest only

Longer term, I'd look at moving, unless you think things will improve when your DC starts school

Remember though, you have £100K equity in your house. That's a LOT of money, far more than many people will ever have. This does give you options

I don’t think that’s normal at all. Bills are water, electricity, phones, and council tax. A FT salary on minimum wage covers that easily and he works 6 days a week. Something is not adding up here.

wonder what else they are paying for? Subscriptions, cars, hobbies, gym, credit cards etc?

Quite frankly, I don't think you're a good friend then.

I work mon -fri and lucky for us we can "afford" full time childcare.

My friend is a carer and works all kinds of hours; weekends, bank hols (if you're a carer then you know!) I help her watch her little boy every now and again on a weekend if she needs me to. Why? She just cant afford the childcare!

We take him out on days out, park etc.. whatever we do with our boy, we do with him as well. Am i obligated to? No but why would I watch her struggle when I can help and call myself her friend?

It really does take a village...

Yep. I don’t feel sorry for her at all. Cut your coat according to your cloth.

Quite a few single people I know a few years ago or even in relationships decided not to have DC if they couldn’t afford it. Same goes for mortgage, lovely to have, if you can afford it.

I worked with someone over covid who had a baby who was coming up to a year in age and she eventually had to put him into nursery as she couldn’t work otherwise.

I don’t know if her work knew she wfh with a baby but I know she’s since gone on to have another DC.

@WhatWouldYouDo33 isn't rent or mortgage classed as a bill?! I certainly class it as a bill, it's not as though you can take it off.

“Well that’s how it works no? People have to get organised and sort out childcare if they need it. My childminder had someone book February 2025 recently.”

Aaargh, that wasn’t my point (and I’m not specifically talking about OP)

Just as when the suggestion (not on this thread) is that a poster gets a better paid job ignores the fact that someone will always be in that low paid care job (or whatever), there will always be a someone on the waiting list if there aren’t enough spaces overall. Even if we all signed up 3 years in advance, the person signing up 2 years and 11 months would miss out.

Anyway, that’s my point. I will leave it there.

My SIL for years paid interest only on her mortgage as it’s all she could afford.

She’s now looking to move further out of London with her DH (my DB) and DC, one of will need nursery and the other probably breakfast/after school clubs.

Moving is expensive though.

First of all, you are doing an amazing job! I WFH and there is no way my stress levels could handle my toddler at the same time.

Play around on the entitled to calculator on the gov.uk website changing your hours/wages. You can get Universal Credit support when you have a mortgage, but it all depends on your income/savings.

If the nursery is full look around elsewhere get him on waiting lists or consider a childminder or other care provider. Childcare choices is a good start to see who is local to you or what alternative care is out there.

In the long term consider other jobs? There's no harm in keeping your eye out for other jobs.

Remember this won't last forever, but after a year when he's in school what are your childcare options before and after school?

Good luck OP!

Check your entitlement to free hours. I'm sure you should be entitled to 30 free hours if you work more than 16 hours and your child is over 3.

OP knows she has the entitlement but her
DC’s nursery doesn’t have the space for him to do more hours.

Exactly this. It's not unreasonable to point out this isn't a sustainable situation and OP needs to sort it out. Many people have children and jobs and struggle with managing both, but find ways to do so without lying to their employers.

She's been talking about 15 hours. I'm sure she's entitled to 30. She doesn't have to use a nursery she can look at other registered childcare providers.

@SheilaFentiman He doesn't have to go to that specific nursery though, he could go somewhere else.

Some of the big chain nurseries have payment chains where you can spread the cost out: look at Coop.

Yes, I know. The point about waiting lists has been discussed.

good luck, OP.

Local teenager/student to mind your toddler for a few hours. Not ideal but if you're desperate.

I feel your pain OP. We are in a fixer upper. I went back to work 4 days and partner works 5 days. Luckily our mum's have baby a day each and then baby does 2 days in nursery. With nursery fees, mortgage and household bills we are left with £300 "spare" between us a month. By the time we've covered petrol, partners monthly season ticket, car insurance, mobile phones and anything the baby needs (new shoes etc) we have barely anything. We couldn't afford another days childcare so I don't know what we'd do if we didn't have the mum's.

My friends all seem to have gone back 2.5 or 3 days and have babies in nursery the rest of the time, no grandparent help and yet have lots of spare money. They're booking holidays and out for dinner at the weekend, taking babies to the zoo and soft play and buy all their clothes from Next. I buy everything for myself and the baby from vinted, charity shops or Poundland, I've even been priced out of Primark and supermarkets now. I don't understand how they're managing and I feel rubbish I can't pay for baby to go to all these exciting places.