WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

Nobody suggested 'for free' most people will be thinking cash in hand, low amount. Top up their benefits and keep it low cost for Op.

No exactly above board and legal but not exactly big business that's going to get found out.

I was really supportive towards women having to manage children and WFH during Covid, but I'm really pissed off with it now. Only the other day I had to call my bank, which offers phone banking, and it was clear the woman who took my call was at home doing domestic stuff and not at her desk. She huffed and puffed for a bit as she went upstairs and then her dog started barking loudly in the room where she was working and there was another voice that seemed close by. I was transferring a six-figure sum of money and felt quite spooked by how amateurish and insecure it all seemed and eventually decided to end the call and arrange to be called by someone based in a call centre. As a result of that experience I'll be changing my bank. I don't want my bank details on a computer in someone's back bedroom where family members can see and hear everything.

I hate it that it's so often women who are looking unprofessional because they are the ones lumbered with childcare. I hate it that I'm expected to be sympathetic about distracted, crap service because feminism and women supporting women and all that. You're taking the piss OP: your behaviour is bringing mothers and women into disrepute. If I was your employer you'd be out.

Omg that's horrendous. I would have complained about that and definitely switch bank. I don't think that bank/ finance workers should be working at home at all to be honest, there is too much security risk.

A friend and NDN works for Barclays as a cashier/teller and a greeter.

I think she’s gone back to working from the office full time now as Barclays put software on their laptops which meant every second of her time was accounted for.

WFH is great but it really pisses me off when the ones like me who do do it properly are having to support the ones who piss take like OP and others. You can always tell the slackers who slope off at 3pm for pickup time. And yes they say they make up the time but how can companies keep track?

I don’t know what fair software there is to record wfh times and input/output but surely that’d be a good income source.

OP, you've already said that your son's development is suffering because of not having sufficient and regular interactions - please don't opt for the traveling idea, because he really does need to be in a setting which will support his speech, socialisation and development.

While I sympathise with any young mum who is struggling and unhappy it is obvious that op has made a lifestyle choice that she/ they can’t afford. Why should everyone else pay for this mistake through their taxes. The welfare state was meant as a safety net not to enable unsustainable lifestyle choices. Admit your mistake, sell up and live within your means. We used to be told to “cut our coat according to our cloth.”

Microsoft Teams, has a dot you hover over and it shows if the person is
Green - available
Amber - away hover and it will tell you how long they've been away for
Red - in a call
X - hasn't signed on.

I can imagine that other companies will be taking that a step further and recording how long people are on Amber.

But even without electronic tracking. Bosses know who's actually getting the work done and who isn't.

Depending on the business, some companies I'm thinking lawyers, architects etc those sorts of professionals, may need timesheets filled in so they know who to charge your time too.
One glance at the time sheet will give it away. Spending an hour to write a letter that should take no more that 30mins

The reality is you can’t work properly with a 3yo at home and you can’t look after a toddler while working. What you’re doing is unsustainable and unsafe for the child. It will be a bigger problem for you long-term if you end of getting sacked. I’m sure there will already be some suspicions.

Yep. Sorry OP, I do sympathise but also this situation was of your own making and you created a situation that was never sustainable. You chose to spend all of your money on the renovations and should have foreseen this and taken on a smaller project.

You will have to untangle yourself and plan your next step more carefully. Perhaps sell up to free up some of the money. It's not anyone else's responsibility to do that for you and you certainly shouldn't be claiming benefits because you have plenty of money which you chose to tie up in a house that was more than you could really manage.

well you're working from home, so you can move
Its only your partner who would need a new job

I know for a fact that Barclays at least has some software in place so it tracks work, so not just MS Teams.

I know that when I’m away from my desk so on Amber then that’s at 11am, between 12-2 for 1 hour for lunch and a walk and at 3pm. Of course I do the odd toilet break. During Covid I and my colleagues almost had to be told to take breaks and exercise at home as I had loads of work on then and I regularly worked up to 6.30pm.

Most architects and lawyers firms I’ve worked in have some sort of software to track times and jobs worked but depends on size of company.

Lawyers, they bill generally at 6 minute increments. I have no idea how timesheets are used there, our then legal bookkeeper kept track of all that but you could get printouts relating to jobs.

There will always be people who slack off, if you’re a fee earner responsible for your own work in a law firm this applies. I used to work for a family/divorce lawyer who’d file court docs late all the time and my boss even offered him mine and my colleague’s legal sec skills to help him out (he’d have had to pay us though) but he refused. He now works from home full time. The sad thing is he’s a nice lawyer and works well when he does the work but I can’t recommend him to people I know (he does employment law too) as he’s far too unreliable).

My SIL right now, apart from during Covid always went into the office rather than wfh.

She’s now moving with DB and their DC, further out of London, cheaper nurseries and houses but longer commute.

She will have to see how things go, especially re commuting and her organisation has also recently made a lot of people redundant so she’ll probably have to pick up the work slack there too. She was working weekends and evenings too and personally I think something will have to give. She’s already upset that her kids don’t see enough of her and her older DS has definitely noticed this and is upset and concerned about it.

This is so hard to read as a mum who actually works her arse off and misses her children like crazy while they’re in nursery. What I’d give to be chilling with them all day and pretending I was working, all while getting paid. Wow.

I agree. As I said I was in her position. Luckily we sorted it by minimising unecessary bills and going without for a few months so we could pay for childcare.

People don't want to give up their careers but something has to give. New job with new hours. Smaller mortgage etc.

My point was rather than bash her and tell her how terrible she is for wfh with a small child we should be more positive in our responses. As the saying goes - you don't know what someone is going through or what kind of day they are having.

I don't really agree with what OP is doing (as I posted above) but she sounds pretty stressed and says she cries every day. I don't think you need to be envious of her 'chilling'.

I think you need to look at some or all of the following options:

• A job with a better day rate so you could work fewer days for the same take home
• A job with extremely family friendly flexible working e.g. where they are happy for you to make up the time out of hours
• A pre-school that offers 30 hours even if this means travel or a pre-school closer to work

Mumsnet can be very hardline on wfh with kids - in truth, it depends on your job and your kid. I got away with it a bit, but only for a couple of hours here and there! I could never have made it a regular thing, even though I had an extremely chilled and responsible kid and a job that could accommodate it. I was doing fairly senior level marketing at an extremely family-friendly charity when he was a toddler. A lot of work could be scheduled out of hours so I could work strange patterns like 8-11, 1-3, 7-9pm. If I'd had a slightly more full-on job or child, even that would not have been possible.

I’m also pretty stressed working hard to pay my bills, nursery fees and rapidly increasing mortgage payments, as most working mothers are.

Umm - OK?

I am only saying it doesn't exactly sound like OP is particularly in a position to be envious of. You sound quite bitter.

as I’m sure you see your current situation is not sustainable or fair, hindsight is a wonderful thing regarding taking on this renovation but all you can do is move forward. Either sell up and rent, move to a cheaper area, cut expenses and pay for nursery or cut expenses and give up the job, maybe get evening/weekend shifts at a shop? You will (and have got a hard time here) as lots of us are struggling to stay afloat.

Your doing the right thing by both your child and employer.

Doing two jobs at once just doesn't work, as the Op has found out the hard way. Her child is struggling with speach delay and her employer is on her case because it has been noticed. And her MH is through the floor.

2 into 1 just doesn't go. Its primary school maths. Simple.

You'll get people who claim to do it, then you dig deeper, what they are really doing is working before kids are up, while they are sleeping, and in the evening.
Or they are like the Op they get away with it so long then the wheels come off the wagon.

You need to sort something for the sake of your child it's really not healthy for them to be left alone or with the TV for so long each day.
Can you pay for a childminder to do a half day at least, or condensed hours?
You might be on your arse financially but crying every day or losing your job isn't sustainable either.
Could you take out a loan to cover fees?

Agree

Sorry OP, but it’s people like you who jeopardise WFH for all of us

@Atypicalmumm this doesn't sound sustainable! I am amazed you've managed to do it for so long. What does your DH do? Can he work from home and you take it in turns with childcare, or one of you do work in the evenings to make up the hours? Why are you the one who has had to do the childcare and work? It reminds me of during lockdown, where if both parents were WFH, in similar jobs with similar hours, that only the mum kept getting bothered by the kids, or did most of the homeschooling...

Doubt the OP is chilling based on what she's written here 🙄