WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

I assumed she was on the waiting list. If not then yes she needs to get on it but given you've been on the list since Jan/Feb for September she's leaving it late if she isn't on the list.

All her friends have made the decision not to work - presumably SAHM. Why would they want to work for OP?

You cannot work from home with a toddler (except in emergency situations). If I was your employer I would be very annoyed at you.

OP I really feel for you but it sounds like you are going to have to do something before you get sacked.
For the next year can you both use your leave to look after him, that will soak up about 8 weeks of the year. Can you take unpaid leave and reduce your days to say 3 u til he starts school?

All those judging OP should be ashamed. You've obviously got granny and grandpappy helping with your childcare.

Bashing someone for trying to hold a job and be a good mum is shameful. Do you look at yourself and think "I've been a really nice person today". Nahhhh!!!!!!

I've been in your position OP. We do pay childcare now but it leaves us with nothing each month and we both earn fairly decent wages. At the start I was working from home with my little one and I was at breaking point. It wasn't fair on me and especially her.
I would work shifts in asda if I had to.

The only other option is for you to leave your current job and work evenings/weekends. Having a happy home far outweighs any career. When children are little we have to do what suits family life.

On another note, I would need to find a new employer if they were monitoring my 'away' time. I work for a large organisation and the way I see it is as long as the work is being done and business needs are met everyone is happy.

Some of these commenter shouldn't be on a managers position.

Can you contact citizens advice. They will be able to provide you with some advice/agencies.

Good Luck!

Where is Dad in all of this? Sounds like you're shouldering all the burden.

“All those judging OP should be ashamed. You've obviously got granny and grandpappy helping with your childcare.”

No we don’t. We don’t have anyone and pay for childminders, pre-school, after school clubs. I know it’s not safe to look after a toddler during working hours and not fair on the child. The reason OP is doing it is because she has a huge mortgage, she could have downsized.

i really think your best option is sell and rent for a while, quit your job and return when he goes to school, if you really don’t want to do that put him on the waiting list for every pre school and ask some friends if they can pop over for a half day here and there to play with him while you work in the short term, you provide a nice lunch etc for them? Out of interest op what was the original plan? To sahm? To get more pre school hours? And what went wrong for you to be in this pickle?

You surely can move away from London if you're wfh?
This isn't sustainable, you're crying every day is bad for you and for your child. If the house is done up, put it on the market. It's not easy, but you can't afford it.

Nope I work everyday and pay for childcare. I had to cut my hours to make it work so we only just about breakeven on my wage

She says he's working 6 days to pay for everything, it's obvious that they're very overstretched.

Yes this is the issue. They need to move somewhere cheaper fast.

And? She's working 5 days a week presumably? Why does she have to be the one juggling work and a child?

I agree. Plenty of us never had parents or parents in law to help.
The problem is that they can't afford to live where they live.

(I work for a large organisation and the way I see it is as long as the work is being done and business needs are met everyone is happy. presumably the work isn't being done and that's why they are monitoring

Yes, I agree, but it sounds as if she thought she could wfh and look after a toddler.
To be fair, some threads on here would suggest that can work ok.

True. I'm sorry she was misled that way

Look at what you can do to reduce pressure

• different daycare settings/childminder or combo
• talk to bank about interest only mortgage
• we used interst free credit card to pay for child care and viewed it as a loan unit we got dc into school.

Im so sorry you are going through this. People saying to downsize (I mean a two bedroom) are insane. But there are a few suggestions that could work.

Ask some of your mum friends to help out (even paying them a bit) if you had three friends that’s once a week with each friend and the two days in pre school.

Depending on your husbands work you could move further away and wfh. Rent out your place near London and rent somewhere cheaper further away until your child is of school age.

Ask a family member or friend for help. They might not be able but share your problem and they might be able to come up with some solutions.

An Au-pair that may or may not be live in (with evening and weekends free plus two mornings free that’s a sweet deal for someone).

anyway to take on weekend or evening work instead of day time? Even if it’s only one or two days. That way when hubby is home there is someone with your child and you have time in the day with him too!

Please keep us updated and I really hope the best for you.

WFH where you are constantly monitored is a bit shit too. You're not a toddler. Get a mouse mover to give you enough time for your breaks at least. it’s precisely because of attitudes like this that more and more companies are pulling staff back into the office.

If you’re working from home then you’re at work. it’s not a cosy little time to do the housework/put the washing on/nip to the shops. If you’re paid to be at work for x hours a day then your employer is not unreasonable to expect you to be doing the job you’re being paid for.

And frankly if you can use a mouse pointer to pretend that you’re working for an hour while you pop off for a coffee morning then you probably aren’t very productive anyway.

OP, I get that this is hard, but you’re clearly over-stretched if your DH’s salary doesn’t even cover the bills.

Where are you overspending?

You’re talking about giving up your jobs, selling the house and travelling with the equity which implies that you do spend money frivolously. Because giving up paid jobs and selling your house to travel and fritter away the equity would frankly be an idiotic thing to do. What happens when you come back? No house, no jobs, and no entitlement to benefits if you’ve knowingly and willingly given up your job.

You need to look at where you’re overspending and start by cutting that back.

How many subscriptions do you have you don’t need? How many takeaways do you get a week? What’s the monthly shopping bill?

Because if you’re earning two salaries, your DH is working six days a week and you’re working full time and you can’t afford to live then something is wrong somewhere.

Sympathies @Atypicalmumm It does sound so difficult.
The only things I can think of are to look more closely at what benefits you might be entitled to, to top up your income. If you have a mortgage you won't get housing benefit but you might qualify for universal credit.
Alternatively, look into working evenings and weekends if you can, if your husband is around to look after your child.
I wish you all the best 💐

@WhatWouldYouDo33 and others, even if OP was on waiting lists, by implication, there is a list because there isn’t enough spaces for everyone. Someone - or several someones, more likely - will always miss out on the list because there are just not enough places.

if you have to go on the list in jan to get a space in September, then you can bet your boots people will start advising to go on the list in Dec and the person joining in jan will find they are too late, for example.

Sell and buy a flat?

Well that’s how it works no? People have to get organised and sort out childcare if they need it. My childminder had someone book February 2025 recently.
families move, children move childcare settings, children start school - places can become suddenly available and unless you are on a waiting list you won’t find out!
I don’t for a minute think OP has explored all the childcare options available. Sounds like she only asked her current preschool.

What was the plan when you bought your house/got pregnant? Why has that fallen through? Is it that renovations cost more than planned?

It says his salary only covers the bills. Not quite sure how a full time salary can only cover bills, nothing else. Maybe he can cut back hours and do childcare but I also think OP and her partner need to budget better.