Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

No this is not the new normal. We employ lots of new graduates, none have been like this!

Is it a formal arrangement that you’re managing her? Does she know this? If the answer to either of those is ‘no’, I’d stay well out of it. Or you’ll obviously end up having to apologize for inferring that she doesn’t communicate well / sone other bollocks.

On the other hand, if you managing her is a formal, recorded arrangement, then k would straight up tell her this type of behavior isn’t helping her. Any further instances within the 12 weeks and she’s gone. Let her be offended.

Oh l, and we get the occasional new recruit like this. It’s not the new normal, but it is the new normal that we’re expected to pander to this crap instead of just putting them straight.

I would get rid of her immediately. She will be nothing but a massive pain in your arse. What a precious, entitled twat she is.

Tbh I reckon Aquamarine is right. She won’t get better. Imagine having the balls to repeatedly insist your manager / senior colleague apologize to you , for their perfectly reasonable and behavior…

Did you point out to her that by renaming the file and then putting it in the wrong place, she hadn't actually completed the task as asked?

I think I’d have pointed out that the task hasn’t been completed appropriately as the file was a) in the wrong place and b) had a change of name.

I think it’s fine that she hadn’t realised the importance of these issues, but once told must appreciate that it isn’t an unfounded accusation, but genuine confusion that turned into constructive feedback.

I’d approach her on the basis that you want her to stay on with a better attitude. Maybe schedule a meeting explaining that with a quarter of her probation left is time to review how she’s been doing.

Bring up the specific incidents and explain how is important that she is able to take this kind of feedback and that all of you are fallible - that it’s not a matter of lack of trust or accusation. If she keeps pushing back then perhaps she’s not the right fit.

I have come across people a bit like that, but that is extreme. For her own sake it might be worth someone having a coaching style conversation about what to expect at work? Not really your responsibility though. Wow.

I had a Manager who was like this once.
Very over sensitive and took everything personally. Had to tread on eggshells around her.
I would have pointed out that you weren't accusing her of lying or not doing the work you simply couldnt find it because she'd accidently misnamed it and put it in a different place, and needed to locate it.
She doesn't seem receptive to feedback so maybe a conversation around feedback being crucial in our learning and development.
I sense if she's already been upset by a few other colleagues she may well get worse.

What you're describing isn't unusual... I work in HR and I've noticed that it's becoming much more common for people to not respond very well to feedback and take very simple things to heart. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but her reaction here is completely unjustified - you asked her a simple question and actually, she hadn't completed the task properly as she had a) changed the name of the file and b) saved it in the wrong place. It was therefore reasonable for you to question her as it wasn't in the right place, so of course you assumed she hadn't done it!

I think your approach sounds good - ask her how's she's doing, is she enjoying the job etc and then give her some feedback about the way she reacted to you, explaining that she will need to understand that she may be asked about her work at times and that doesn't mean she's being criticised. You need to be able to feel that you can tell her she's made a mistake without her getting upset and expecting you to apologise - that's just not reasonable. I think you've been very tolerant already and if you feel it's not going to work out, it might be worth considering terminating her at the end of her probation.

if you’re all older and more experienced than her, and she’s a bit sensitive, it might be worth raising the idea of imposter syndrome with her.

Ive had staff members feel “prickly “ to manage in the past when they haven’t felt confident that they could do the job. It must feel weird for her to come in with everyone older and more experienced, her manager away and no replacement line management in place by the sounds of it. Has she had any training?

If it’s possible that’s the case I would say that it’s worth reassuring her that she’s doing a good job, and that everyone does things like save stuff in the wrong place. You might find that with a boost in confidence she’s less difficult to deal with.

Im also one for being really direct in staff management and I’d literally say to her that asking people to apologise in writing for normal work interactions is unreasonable. As a pp said only do this if she’s already been told that you are her interim manager!

She doesn't have balls, she's impertinent and arrogant. He behaviour would almost be laughable if it weren't so completely outrageous. She will be nothing but a detriment to the team, and it's people like her who absolutely ruin an otherwise positive working culture. I would sack her immediately, and I'm not being flippant.

HR need to deal with her and her “ishoos”. Report.

At the very least look at extending her probation. (voice of experience)

The thing is, she isn't super-confident or otherwise entitled and I think this is actually a defensive behaviour. One of my other colleagues has complained that the new colleague seems to have a need to feel she is right and that we are wrong. She is very conscientious. She's wanted to stay late to complete non-urgent work before now. I want to get our HR consultant onto the case asap but things are grinding slowly.

If you truly value the harmonious vibe in your office you will get rid. People like this are toxic. She clearly doesn't fit in with your company culture and values.

I’d be very careful. I worked with someone like this who involved HR and went off work due to stress!
She was in the company for less than six months so easy to cease the employment contract but she was ‘difficult’.

Weird behaviour. She should’ve apologised to you for cocking it up..

Don't most of us do what you did -we don't actually accuse someone of not doing a Pearce of work but we do chase them along the lines of "maybe it's just my system but I can't see that work saved down"

Really it's just giving them a polite out to realise their mistake and do it asap so it's there when I look again

I can't imagine a junior demanding an apology like that when they are in the wrong.

I would definitely terminate at the end of her probation period. One person can change the whole vibe in a small organisation.

I'd schedule a meeting and make clear that this behaviour is not in line with your./the company's expectations and also confirm she is still in her probationary period and remind her of the role requirements and your reasonable expectations. Then also confirm that this type of behaviour could result in a probation meeting to discuss her progress and could lead to an extension of her probation period or dismissal (whatever your probation procedures say)..

I'd also confirm what support you have provided her with to date to ensure she is progressing in line with your/the company expectations and ask her if she has any suggestions if any further support or adjustments you could provide.

Follow it up in writing to ensure all of the above is clear and support has been provided and her suggestions requested. Then make sure you have a weekly meeting, with everything captured in writing so you can evidence any continuing or new issues and can demonstrate all guidance and support offered in relation to those.

Ensure you obtain ongoing feedback from colleagues to help build a picture of behaviours or errors or low output (whatever) so that if you do decide to take things to the next level you can clearly evidence the issues, the communications and the support offered and requested. It can make ending the probation period far easier for you.

Just as you can have red flags in relationships, you can have red flags with new colleagues; this is one of them.

She should have been apologetic towards you for mis-labelling the file and putting it in the wrong place, causing you to have to search for it.

From my experience people like this only get worse, and can be hugely detrimental to a positive working environment. It's incredibly difficult to get someone to change their core mindset, easier to get rid and hire someone who has a more positive attitude.

emailed asking her to double-check it was completed

You did effectively accuse her of not completing it though - says it in your OP?

Why didn't you just say "I can't seem to find it, could you send me the link to where it's saved please?"

she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on

Really? She needs to work on it? You don't think you and your colleagues could possibly learn anything at all or perhaps help and support her?

Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital?

Just because it's an established culture doesn't mean it's a good culture.

I'm going to be brutally honest OP, but the vines I get from your post are that you and the team are old crew and you know best. Nothing to learn here.

Yes, she may be more sensitive and not take feedback as well as others but you also need to understand that and adapt your style (and that doesn't mean not giving her feedback, it just means doing it in a different way).

This is what good managers do.

Goodness, you’ve been a lot nicer to her than I would be. Insisting you apologise when she has fucked up is not on. I would, if I were her manager, be calling her up on this. I’d probably tell her it wasn’t working out and fire her to be honest.

My husband is a teacher- as am I- but unlike me he is in a position and subject where he takes on ECTs almost every year. He's been complaining year on year that they're getting worse- over sensitive and bolshy over things like this, with zero social skills- and each year seems to bring even worse stories of this kind of nonsense.