Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

My 3 year old demands apologies like this person seems to… it’s bizarre for a grown up in the work place. Has she been work from home her whole career? I’m curious how that is affecting people who immediately work from home post graduation. She could just be sensitive, either way I wouldn’t find her to be a good team player/colleague I’d enjoy being around.

Why didn't you just say "I can't seem to find it, could you send me the link to where it's saved please?"
Because she said she had completed to task and if she had completed the task, it should have had it's correct name and be stored in the correct place

Firstly people management is a skill….

So she’s 6 weeks into a three month probationary period. This probationary period can be extended if required via HR. I would not consider this issue a reason to extend the probationary period however.

She should be having helpful regular probationary meetings weekly or fortnightly or monthly in which you can ask her about aspects she’s enjoying, what she would like more support with and what challenges she is facing.

It might simply be her lack of confidence making her defensive about her work. If she is good at her role, offer her reassurance. Neutrally ask her about the requested apologies and try to understand what’s going on for her.

Reflection is central to good leadership. Ask yourself if you could have made your request in a nicer manner? Stated you’re having difficulty locating and could she forward them to you? Consider that your response to the apology request might in itself be defensive. Just because your team has worked the way it works for a long time doesn’t mean it’s a model not in need of improvement. It’s important to weigh up if she has a good point or not. In a bigger team provide an anonymous survey to capture the teams thoughts (if they feel appreciated, supported, warm team workplace, ideas to develop the workplace). However you can still reflect on team interactions in a tiny team, considering positive steps to create a more welcoming team rapport.

Probation meetings should supportively outline her successes and provide positive targets to work towards. Any targets should be reviewed the next probationary meeting. Each probationary meeting should be documented, even if it’s just simple bullet points. A copy emailed to her.

Haha, wow.

From since when I graduated in the 1990s I've observed people of all ages who are overly defensive and poor at taking feedback. It's not a new thing.

Wow, she wouldn't last a day in my office 😂 (Silver Circle law firm)

The graduate recruits in my department are brilliant and definitely take (a lot of) feedback daily.

Get rid.

She sounds like a total ball-ache - get rid.

And be very careful that, as a pp pointed out, she knows you have officially been given the responsibility of managing her and making the decision on her probation long before the meeting.

Make sure the business owner has documented that you're steping into your manager's shoes, not just in this new employee but in other aspects of the manager's job, including the ability to hire, fire and appraise. If the business owner isn't giving you the manager's role (and pay?) on an interim basis, don't accept this single shitty job as it won't go well regardless of what you say.

Because then you'll be in the strongest position when the employee makes her next move, which will be a bullying grievance lodged against you after you've had a chat with her.

Top priority for you: Don't mess up your own position at the company.

Part of the issue is you were working from home...obviously fine normally. But if you were both in an office together you would have this conversation orally and it would be easy to judge tone of voice etc and be over in a second. Getting an email leaves too much time to dwell.
Saying all that she is going to be impossible to deal with. I couldn't imagine my adult dc having the neck to ask a senior manager to apologise to them a few weeks into a job. This will not end well as she will have more power if she is actually made permanent. She needs to go.

Yes, do this and get rid asap. It will not improve

I'd get rid . I don't think you need to pay a Hr consultant as she is in probation therefore wouldn't waste the money.
It wouldn't be discrimination.

she will likely get worse not better when her feet are under the table!

I'd take care here

You're NOT her manager. The director asking you to manage this staff member has all been verbal, nothing in writing

If you want to call in HR, I'd get the Directors OK in an email

If the director wants you to deal with the staff member, get his parameters for this, in an email

Cover yourself

Absolutely. As soon as she passes that probation it will be impossible to get rid .

It's pretty easy to get rid of staff up to the 2 year point, even out of probation

My concern would be that she might suddenly raise a protected characteristic, a disability.......something.... which would mean getting rid in probation/first 2 years, will be challenging

Legally, you can usually dismiss an employee with less than 2 years of service without having to provide a fair reason for the dismissal and without having to go through a fair disciplinary or dismissal procedure.

I would get the HR consultant in definitely. Has she actually received written apologies from 3 different members of staff in 9 weeks' employment? From the outside that sounds quite shocking, although your apology was carefully worded

We had a colleague who had similar behavior. Tried to get another colleague fired because of an offensive gesture they apparently made. When we explored the issue with said colleague it turned out completely innocent and plausible but they would not let it go.
This person was also very defensive when it came to feedback in general and once in a workshop I disagreed with them on a point, perfectly reasonable and normal in our team, and they burst into tears, ten minutes of uncontrollable sobbing in front of everyone and then they just got up and left. I escalated to my manager who then started to deal with it but I dreaded any interaction with them and was extremely cautious about anything I said/wrote to them.

Get HR in. From experience, as soon as something is off with a new recruit; act. It will not get better.

Ok well here's my advice:

1. It should be made clear to the team who is responsible now the director is off sick if this hasn't been done already. While not excusing her behaviour, it could be the hostility is because she doesn't understand why you are managing her. Although I doubt it.

1. You need to meet with her to discuss the recent interaction. You start with opening it up to her - can you talk me through what happened from your perspective/what was your reasoning for responding in that way etc. etc. let her talk

1. You then explain your rationale in a very objective non emotive way. Explain the process around saving files etc and ask is it clear - do you need more direction on this etc.

worth asking yourself if this person has been trained/received an adequate induction at the beginning to actually know these things or access info on how to do things if stuck.

1. Ask her how she is feeling in the company how she is settling into the role etc. once she answers - explain to her anything positive about her work (if there is) and then the concerns around her inability to receive feedback. That it's not personal, it's to smoothe over processes etc and to make sure everyone is on the same page. Explain that you have been informed that other colleagues have expressed concern over how she received feedback from them and that it is never ill intentioned.

1. Set expectations - explain you want her to enjoy working here and succeed. Reiterate your position on what happened that you wanted to clarify how she did something, advised her on the way the company does it and that's all. It's important there is feedback widely given/received in order for us all to work cohesively. Ask her if she has any qs or comments.

1. Document the conversation. Email - hi (name) thanks for meeting with me today. We discussed xyz blah blah. Please do not hesitate to approach me if you have a concern about anything in the future.

This is important to document issues in the event of any case etc. should you need to dismiss. It just keeps everyone right and shows there were attempts to improve things.

1. As a pp said - straight forward to dismiss at any stage up to two years. Only tricky if they have one of the 9 protected characteristics which you can suss for yourself ( even if they do they need to justify it was because of that you dismissed them which isn't obviously the case so good to document issues) I suppose you can keep your manager informed without being too intrusive given he's out sick. See how it goes - by the end of probation you may want to consider if it's worth it/ a good fit for the company - it doesn't sound like she is.

I know someone joked up thread but I really do think that sounds like a long term trauma response. Before "getting rid", her manager needs to have some one-to-one chats to explain office etiquette.

Hmm.

I think a conscientious person is always going to be sensitive/annoyed if someone doubts their word when they've truthfully said they've completed a task. Fair point that she'd saved the document to the wrong place, but she had done the work... She probably has quite a lot of processes to get familiar with during her probation, so I'd cut her some slack. I certainly wouldn't have asked her to "double check it was completed" (because she said it had been), instead I'd have called (not emailed) to figure out why you couldn't find it/double check where it had been saved to.

In essence, whether you meant to or not, you were calling her a liar by asked her to "check it had been completed" when she said that it had been and that would certainly have annoyed me if I were in her shoes. I'd be very worried if someone thought I wasn't being truthful about my work output during a probation period (or otherwise, to be fair).

So on face value I actually think you're in the wrong for how you communicated. If you just wanted to check where the file was, why throw in doubt about whether the work was completed (it's irrelevant)?

...having said that, the employee does sound sensitive and it would be worth keeping an eye on things. But I do think that in this instance it was six of one and half a dozen of the other and to extend a probation period/terminate employment based on an incident where a colleague communicated poorly would be unfair.

Another thing that stands out is that you mention "established office culture"... what does that mean? Sometimes it can mean supportive and professional but sometimes it can mean low level toxicity (sometimes unnoticed) and "our way or the highway".

... I realise that my response is going against the grain here, but I think these situations aren't black and white. It would be interesting to hear the employees perspective. In my jobs past and present I've worked in an overlap with HR and I usually back the "graduates need to learn about the real working world fast, toughen up and get professional" approach, but there's something about this situation that doesn't sit right with me. I think it's unfortunate (or more directly, it's unprofessional) that you're being asked to manage an HR situation that directly involves you, so you're not impartial.

If you've been appointed as interim manager, both you and your colleagues should've been informed in a way that left no ambiguity. As it is, you're a colleague with no authority (being older/longer serving doesn't equate to authority over your colleagues).
I personally would've let her know she'd saved it in the wrong place, and left it at that (I'd've stopped short of the 'look out for that' reprimand). I wouldn't have entered into any dialogue either over an apology, I'd've replied with a short no, that's not necessary.
Your talk of 'in writing' exchanges over something as petty as a file in the wrong folder isn't indicative of a relaxed working environment.

""I think it's unfortunate (or more directly, it's unprofessional) that you're being asked to manage an HR situation that directly involves you, so you're not impartial.""

I agree with @Poppins2016 here

Also as I said upthread, not good for you, OP, to not be her manager but be expected to manage her and possibly work towards getting rid

Get HR in.

Job done

i have come across this with two newly appointed graduates. Both have turned round to very senior people (think director level) and said "i don't like your tone" for being told that they have done something not right. in both occasions the telling had been very fair but direct. not nasty. not public. but outlining an issue and being clear what expected going forward

in both occasions, i can't help but wonder how they will deal with people when they manage further into their career. seems they have no problem being direct with others but can not take any kind of feedback etc themselves

Demanding an apology in writing from your manager about a mistake she made shoes a weird kind of needed for her to control the people around her

i would try hard to not extend the contact after probation! She sounds tricky

If someone ask me to double check something because it wasn't where it was supposed to be. I would check, discover it's in the wrong place, realise my error and apologise for wasting my colleagues time. She's arrogant because firstly she refused to consider she might have made an error and secondly she hasn't accepted fault but rather accused colleague.

What should op have done, said 'ok if you say the file is there it must be there.' Then never accessed the file again? It's a adult working environment.