Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

Thank you for this. I've been told by the director of the company to manage this situation while my manager is off. Should I have that in writing, or is it good enough to tell her that I've been told I'm the acting manager of the department until Phil returns? (Not his name) I spoke to the director about this issue and his instruction was to manage the situation.

I think we need to act now, so that if it's decided to terminate her contract at the end of the probation period we can say she was given the opportunity to improve her interaction with colleagues.

I thunk now is the time to nip it in the bud - otherwise if no,one tells her it's not OK then she'll never know.
Have an informal catch up with her and being it up in that forum.

gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again.

This is where you went wrong. You have amplified the whole situation by doing this & given it more oxygen.

You should have ignored the second email.

With regard to dealing with it, is it clear to everyone, including this person, that you are stepping up while your boss is on leave?

If so, have a clear conversation with her, explaining how your team works, expectations & how to handle something like this in the future (ie come & talk to you, not write emails).

Do not put it in writing.

But overall I agree - she won't get better, at least extend her probation period until boss is back & can deal with it.

I've been told by the director of the company to manage this situation while my manager is off. Should I have that in writing, or is it good enough to tell her that I've been told I'm the acting manager of the department until Phil returns? (Not his name) I spoke to the director about this issue and his instruction was to manage the situation.

You don't need it in writing. She does.

So director should either communicate your role to the wider department, or email the problematic employee to say they are aware of a difficult situation that's arisen & OP will have a conversation to discuss & resolve it.

Geez. To (loosely) quote Cordelia, I'd be wondering what her childhood trauma is - has she been accused of lying often in her life? What an odd conclusion to jump to from the interaction you've described, if not.

I think if it were me then I'd have a bit of a holding-forth conversation (a monologue, frankly) where I rambled on about how when I started, office interactions took me a while to get used to, but eventually I realised that people weren't trying to catch me out, they were just trying to find files/do their work etc. I'd then perhaps talk about how accommodating this workplace is and how everyone is kind and understanding if occasional mistakes do get made. With this approach at least she won't feel pressured to answer or do anything other than smile awkwardly, and some of it might sink in. If not then you'll need to do Awkward Management - sorry....

I had one like this in a training situation. Quick to criticise others, but the lightest hint of a suggestion from her own improvement was taken at best in a very prickly way, at worst with actual tears and snotters.

Afraid I didn’t feel very sympathetic.

She sounds awful! How rude and impertinent to demand that someone senior to her apologize for her own mistake! That’s just terrible and so very embarrassing 😳 She appears to have no filter and no sense that her behaviour isn’t on, if she’s done this to others too. Get rid. No time for snowflakes in business!

She is being ridiculous, but I think the way you handled it exacerbated the situation. It's not your fault, but based on the personality type, a better response when you first couldn't find it, would be to ask her to please send it to you/send you the link, then, when you saw it was incorrectly filed, to point that out.

When she claimed you'd accused her of lying I'd probably have got snippy (possibly not that helpful) and said something like, "I didn't accuse you of lying. I Assumed you'd done it, but made a mistake in the saving/uploading, and asked you to check as that way you'd have spotted the error and would have immediately fixed it."

I wouldn't have said this, but I've been thinking, "why aren't you apologising for making this mistake in the first place!?"

Having said that, this level of pussyfooting around would drive me mad, so I sympathise and I think it's very likely she's not going to make it in this organisation.

If you are acting manager, your manager's manager needs to tell the entire team that in writing. Asking you to deal with it informally, without giving you the authority to do that formally is simply going to make things worse.

She sounds very precious.

Get her out while you still can.

You need to provide feedback back to her on this. You will be doing her a favour. She can't go through working life getting upset about minor mistakes. This time no harm done. It sounds like she has very unhealthy perfectionist tendencies

Her responses are very wide of what most of us would consider normal, aren't they? My partner pointed out that a) some people live by the never-apologise-never-explain principle and b) use attack as a form of defence when they know they've fucked up. I'm getting quite nervous about talking to her. Wondering if I can get the HR consultant in at short notice to handle it. I'll corner the director first thing tomorrow and see if we can speed things up.

This. I’d be giving her a very, very blunt appraisal of her work and attitude, rather than an apology (wtf).

I miss the good old days, when as the new staff member in question, you would apologise, thank you for highlighting the mistake, and then roll your eyes whilst mutttering "oh, ffs..." to get it out of your system and LEARN from it.
She's not really a keeper, is she?
😂

You must be the new colleague.

I too would be concerned that she is building a case that she was accused/ bullied etc with written apologies. Really she should apologise to you for her mistakes. I would use this to help her understand that you didn’t ask for an apology as it isn’t the way the team works. I’d suggest you watch your backs.

She's not 'sensitive' she's an entitled, gaslighting twat who'll be a massive PITA if she passes probation. I'd let her go now if I were you.

Passive aggression.

This woman has trouble written all over her, op.

And seriously, she renamed a fucking file and then put in it in the wrong folder?? Not rocket science

And then asks for an apology??!!

Get rid

You emailed asking her to double-check it was completed

You did effectively accuse her of not completing it though - says it in your Op

^^

Or she just gave her a second chance??? (Which is more than a lot of people would have done)

Honestly I would let go before her probation is up, she is only going to get worse and make the work environment very unpleasant.

Sounds like a completely normal email exchange.

Take someone else into all meetings with her, she could accuse you of anything.

OP you need to cover your arse here or you'll end up with a bullying complaint against you.

I'd follow @EarringsandLipstick 's advice first, then write to the boss with your plan of action for their endorsement before having the conversation. Then write it up afterwards and send them a copy. Put all the accountability back where it belongs.

Interestingly I have just had to complete a module on bullying and harassment for a new role (10 mins ago)

One of the strongly worded statements was ' Managers can give their staff honest appraisal of performance or work-related behaviour, including constructive feedback, but these conversations should be handled in a reasonable, professional and sensitive way. Sometimes people may feel unsatisfied or undervalued at work. However, having grievances with organisational or management practices does not mean they are being bullied or harassed.

So it is very much a her problem not a you problem.
Changing the title/naming convention and filing it in the wrong place is considered not performing the task properly (how would anyone find it?) Sounds a bit too sensitive in a new role