Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

A while back I had someone working for me who was not dissimilar. Couldn’t ever accept they were in the wrong, very defensive (even to the point of lying about their involvement in things that had gone wrong) and just didn’t learn.

Sure, everyone makes mistakes when they’re new; no-one picks everything up straight from the off etc etc but you couldn’t trust them. One day they were very shirty with me when I asked them not to change a process without checking with someone else first so I told them firmly not to do that again. I was eternally grateful that I’d had a colleague as a witness as they got very upset. They were quite happy to overstep the mark in being rude to me but couldn’t handle quietly but firmly being told that was unacceptable.

They didn’t pass their probation.

Absolutely this. I'm currently working alongside somebody like this and they are tying management in knots who are falling over themselves to support them because they are playing the victim. They don't like working there but seem to enjoy pissing everyone off with this type of nonsense rather than finding something else they do enjoy. It's fucking draining.

It seems a very bad idea for you to deal with this.
Her main issue it sensitivity to criticism. Why then would you line up to address this? She WILL see this as criticism and react badly.
You are then in a tricky situation as you’re not even her line manager.
Do not do it. It is HR or your manager’s job.

Agree with this, every word.

Get her telt NOW
she sounds like a madam.

I agree with being very careful around her building up a case of bullying. She sounds like a royal pain and my instinct would be to not extend her probation

I used to work in a pastoral support role in a university, and the sorts of things students and employees in their 20s felt mortally aggrieved by were baffling. It was one of the reasons I moved out of that setting - there was a constant worry that any of us could be dragged through vexatious grievance procedures if our tone of voice or inadvertent facial expression caused someone to feel microaggressed or, God forbid, invalidated.

Well I wouldn't say: that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? because there is the potential for her to say it's your team communication that's off!

Where I work, feedback is a daily part of our job and it can be blunt. Brutal, in fact from some members of staff. I was quite shocked, having worked jn the industry before, but this place was a while new level. (documents are checked and double checked and comments left on them, for all to see). It's just part of the job.

What I would do is check that she knows where to save stuff, what to call stuff, who to contact if she's not sure. Make sure she has the skills she needs to do the job. If she's still demanding apologies and being over sensitive, then have that conversation. But not until she has been trained properly.

Does she know you are her interim manager? Has she had a proper induction?

Sorry but it doesn’t sound like she is sensitive. If I was her and my manager couldn’t find a file then I’d be the one apologising for changing the name and saving it in a different folder. She owes you an apology!

Snowflake generation

She wouldn't last an hour at my place

People wouldn't even respond to her email asking for an apology

A big red flag I'm afraid. I had a new recruit like this very sensitive and seemingly conscientious but not resilient at all. She was in her mid twenties and I am in my fifties. Fast forward to near the end of her probation and I have been accused of ageism and worse and our team is struggling to function as she has been redeployed pending outcome of her grievance. It's been a total nightmare for the whole team. Tackle it early this could get a lot worse.

She was wrong. She wasted your time. She should have checked that she had completed the task correctly by checking the system, folder and looking up the file herself. Then she would likely have noticed that she put it in the wrong place.
Insisting on you apologising makes zero sense. Do not apologise.
I think she has some mental health issues and is struggling with minor issues, criticism. Most likely out of fear that she is not good enough or something like that.
I suppose HR will involve some kind of Well Being or Occupational Health to try and get her confident and feeling part of the team.
But if she does not improve, then there is no way you will be able to cope with it. You need to be comfortable to talk openly about these things at work. And pandering to her is not going to sort it, ever!
You are doing the right thing, involving HR.

Agreed.
OP, I'd sit her down and have a conversation with her about these sorts of interactions being a normal part of work, not just at your company but everywhere. Then explain about positive feedback and how it is developmental rather than critical. That she needs to learn to be more resilient in these situations because throughout all of our working lives we're going to be faced with feedback. If she takes it in and works on it, great, you might have something to work with. If not, get rid at the end of her probation.

I have (very occasionally) worked with people like this. They make the working environment very difficult and uncomfortable . If she continues with this attitude then this isn't the job for her.

No. The MANAGER needs to MANAGE the individual. The clue is in the job title.

Are you getting paid any extra for the temporary management responsibilities? If not I would just say you think some HR advice is needed and it feels outside your remit as a team member.

And try and focus less on age - remember it’s a protected characteristic.

I wouldn’t bother trying to unpack any ‘childhood trauma’, this is a grad a couple of weeks into probation, hired to do a job, so not on a therapy spa break. If she needs the level of therapy some have alluded to, she should be in a medical setting not a professional one.

She sounds borderline incompetent. She will derail projects and destroy the team
dynamic, get rid whilst you still can. Waste of time and effort investing in her when there are so many smart amazing grads without the sullen, entitled attitude of this one.

Reflection is central to good leadership.

This is true but ...

Ask yourself if you could have made your request in a nicer manner?

... is rubbish. 'A nicer manner'?! This isn't on OP, it's entirely an issue for the employee.

I'd be concerned that she'll launch some kind of complaint about you then go off sick.

Absolutely get HR in on it.

With a view to letting her go. She'll only be an issue/toxic, going forward, otherwise.

This with bells on.

FYI - I'd follow this advice to the letter.

I ended someone's probation yesterday and it was a long hard slog, especially as they had a protected characteristic that they had not officially declared. Fortunately, it had been mentioned in passing so I was able to demonstrate that all reasonable adjustments reared to the protected characteristic had been exhausted and, despite the reasonable adjustments the progress of the former employee was not where it should be.

Ensure everything is captured in writing, especially making sure that she's aware that her actions/behaviour could result in her not passing probation. Make sure you details the support and training which has been provided and still is being provided and ask her to confirm if she feels any further/additional support is required.

Keep a note of where the failings are, with evidence, and ensure regular catch-ups take place to make super clear where she is failing to meet the expectations of the role.

I'm very aware of the need for written evidence (if it goes to a tribunal unless the company can evidence they have made clear the failings and have offered support and have asked her for suggestions. Also, protected characteristics do not have to be declared at interview or upon employment, so the need to have these conversations is vital, as you don't want to get to the probation meeting all set to dismiss and then she pulls out a protected characteristic and you have to go back to looking at reasonable adjustments and monitoring.

Absolutely hate 'snowflake generation' as a term. As if a whole group of people can be banded together like this.
This is a problem with an individual.
(And she would last an hour at 'your place'. Regardless of where you work, you can't just summarily fire someone 'in an hour')

Honestly she's goingnto be a nightmare to manage once her probations over. I'd get rid of her.

My kids are early twenties and from what they tell me about work, neither of them behave like this nor do their colleagues. I’d be careful as in my team there is someone like this-and any drama at work revolves around her. Before she retired, my old boss was terrified of her-and the person involved was always playing the victim, getting ‘mediation’ and crying when called out for her laziness. If she’s demanding apologies about innocuous incidents when she’s been there 5 minutes-what is she going to be like when her feet are really under the table?

I think you and your colleagues should be very careful about complying with these demands for written apologies. As pointed out by others, she is probably saving these for some kind of grievance. What will happen if she is told she hasn't passed probation and then launches a complaint, supported by email apologies from various senior members of your team ?

She misnamed the file and saved it to the wrong place. It doesn't sound like she helped you locate it, nor apologised for making a mistake. What she has done is completely deflected from her own errors by finding an error in your approach, because to be fair you did ask her to 'double check it was completed'. I know you weren't accusing her of lying, more trying to point out the task couldn't have been completed correctly, but she has twisted this to gain some kind of petty, point-scoring advantage.

Be very careful what you put in writing to her.

Couldn't agree more. She's a disaster waiting to happen. Get rid.