Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

Start to record every mistake she makes. And get rid at end of probation if this behaviour continues.

This is good advice and I agree it sounds like nerves and defensiveness. if she’s new to working generally as a recent grad, any working environment may be daunting to come into, even more so a small, possibly tight-knit existing team.

Some more one to one time with her and other team members to build rapport could go a long way

I don’t think her age has anything to do with it - like you say, she is just very sensitive and I expect very very nervous and worried about making mistakes.

I think you should sit down with her and explain again that you feel you’ve got off on the wrong foot and that you weren’t accusing her or pointing out a mistake etc - she clearly didnt understand or believe you based on what you’ve written here. I suspect she still feels that. I think that she is clearly very nervous and that’s where this is coming from. I think you need to explain that this was just you asking to locate a file and you needed her help, and that this is the sort of question she will encounter often, rather than a question of her personally it’s that you will all need her help to locate files etc. I’m assuming this is over email? I often think it’s easy to offend people with blunt wording over email - I would be considering adding in ‘hope you’re well!’ Or something each time you email in future. Don’t bang on about how long you’ve all worked there etc because that will just make her nervousness worse. Xx

I agree with your approach. What you can’t do us do nothing (unfortunately)- as others have said this is only going to get worse. Has she explained what she was expecting you to do- sure she’d done the work but what use was that if no one could find it 🤷‍♀️

I think she needs to be encouraged to realise that the day to day job needs to be done quickly and efficiently. It’s not an ego trip for her. And that requesting written apologies is not something she should do under any circumstances- she should be pointed to either a HR resource or her manager if she thinks something needs to be escalated.

I’d also be very very careful, ideally get a third party to be in the meeting and take a note (ideally HR or if not someone neutral). Get her to agree the note of the meeting- even if she won’t it’s a good record of what you’ve said. And if this doesn’t improve I agree with either extending her probation and giving this as a specific reason, or terminating her employment.

You should have asked her for an apology for wasting your time by misfiling the piece of work in question.

Off the point, but I hope you're being paid for taking on these responsibilities?

I am a teacher and work with teenagers, and this has definitely been the new normal for the past 5-7 years.

They can be very sensitive to criticism of any sort, no matter how professional and no matter how apt. Criticism needs to be accompanied by praise. For some sensitive individuals, it is honestly not worth the stress of giving them accurate feedback because the tears and parent pushback are so tiring. I have often wondered how some will function in the workplace. I guess this is the answer.

Or you could have pointed out that actually she hadn't completed the relevant piece of work properly, because that would have entailed leaving the title alone and filing it in the right place.

Your colleague may be over sensitive but as someone in a management position even if it is temporary you shouldn’t ignore the points made above.

Have you looked into both sides of the story? It sounds as if you have just dismissed her as being over sensitive.

when you have been in a team for a while it is not uncommon to pick up bad habits which require a fresh perspective to make anyone notice. Emails are usually read much more negatively than they were intended especially when someone hasn’t built a relationship with the person.

it is a little early to pin this all on the new person and if you do it without more investigation it is the start of workplace bullying. If you investigate and find that you and your colleagues couldn’t have done something differently then discuss with HR.

out of curiosity how is your team made up?

Me too re snowflake generation. It's just lazy, and goodness knows I've come across enough older people with similar attitudes.

She doesn't sound at all anxious to me. Anxious people do not tell the person managing them and their colleagues that they must apologise to them for things that are their own fault,
I think you needed to reply that at no point did you accuse her of lying but if she changes the name of a file and puts it in a different folder then she needs to tell you otherwise obviously you are not going to be able to find it.
You explained kindly previously and got accused of calling her a liar, you need to make it clear you won't stand for that nonsense or you'll end up being accused of all sorts and having everything turned back on you.

Remind her that completing the task involves saving it in the right place.

Is there any possibility that she is ND? I only ask as my Ex was and he had a strong need to always be right and experienced feedback as criticism. It was very difficult. I recently had an unpleasant experience when a female member of a social group I am in took me having a different point of view from ger as a personal attack and caused a huge thing about it. The guy who runs the group apologized to me ( not that it was his fault) and said he had come unstuck with her before too and that it was her ND that caused her to interpret interactions differently. It’s quite unpleasant and confusing to be on the receiving end of.

I would make it clear what normal standards of behaviour are, that are required of all employees ( able to respond positively to feedback) and remind her that she is in probation.

Who is making you and your team write pandering apologetic emails? Stop doing it

You’re better than I am OP. I would be reminding her that she is on probation and being so wet isn’t going to get her very far at all. Certainly wouldn’t have apologised. Sack her if she persists.

Sorry I haven’t rtft.

you can extend a probation period if necessary. Outline areas that she needs to work on etc… your HR people will advise you. She may be so affronted by this and leave!!

She may not be super-confident, but she's definitely super-arrogant.

If I've ballsed up in a new job (and haven't we all?), and had been spoken to about it rationally and with empathy, as you seem to have done, I would be sitting in the corner, absolutely mortified and apologising profusely.

To email my manager demanding an apology to ME would not ever occur to me in these circumstances!

Her "I'm right, so you must be wrong" mentality isn't going to fare her working future well, and as a small company, do you have the time and resources to be the one who turns her into an acceptable colleague?

A troublesome can be incredibly disruptive, especially within a small company with an already excellent working dynamic. I hope HR can get involved and that you receive some guidance from those 'on the ground'

Another one here that thinks she is building a case for bullying/harassment by asking you and others to apologize in writing. Maybe she is not enjoying the job/it's not as expected so if she bring a case against the company she will get a payout. Tread very carefully with this one.

Definitely get HR involved and record everything.

I managed 2 graduates recently. One was fine. The other would get very upset over little things, like someone not meeting the deadline they'd set, and take it very personally. They would also want to escalate, and get apologies or changes in system. It was very much a case of trying to teach them to pick their battles. I guess part of office working is being collaborative in a way that degree working usually isn't.

Honestly such a fuss about nothing, she did the work but saved it incorrectly not a big deal in itself. She should have accepted that feedback as a learning opportunity and moved on but instead she has created a drama.

How is this going to work going forward? Will she just do as she pleases and demand apologies if someone more senior and experienced points out any mistakes? Will others now tip toe around her afraid to say anything in case it results in more drama?

This. She made a mistake, which meant her task was not complete.

In her rush to be indignant, she seems to missing this very important point!

Management want you to manage her and you could spend the next few months having tons of conversations about misunderstandings and the apologies she expects, but I agree with others saying she should be exited in line with your HR procedures.

Is she on probation? Critical to engage your managers and/or external HR people now and look at timings and options. Meanwhile, keep written notes of everything and be super careful about anything she could use to claim discrimination.

Because although it sounds like you handled this really well so far, it wont get better.

She sounds like a pain in the arse who needs to be managed out. Or at least given firm guidelines about reasonable work communication and expectations.

We had an apprentice join us a few years ago who was similar. Her line manager told her that, as she was taking hourly smoking breaks for at least ten minutes, she needed to make up the time. She actually got her DAD to go in and have a meeting with the manager. Suffice to say, she didn’t last long.

Bhaha she DIDN’T do the task required. She renamed it and saved it elsewhere. Thats not doing the task

This will not get better. She will be a PITA forever. I would dismiss her now - don’t wait until the end of her probationary period. She’s not a fit for the team and IT WILL NOT GET BETTER.

All who are advising 'get rid' are missing the crux that the OP isn't in a position of any clout, besides for an older/longer serving and (perhaps self appointed?) 'ring leader' position.
The young woman in question sounds very precious, so the best thing the OP can do (as just a colleague) is keep her at arms length, and give her short (but polite) shrift when she makes ridiculous requests like you owe me an apology. Seriously, she should be raising nothing more than a wry smile in her colleagues.

She's not been brought in to change the way you work; she is being paid to do a job and the results of that job have to be accessible to others. She needs to fit in , and she needs to know that.