Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

I don't understand why people are claiming she must be nervous and insecure. If I had just started my job and manager said they were looking for a file, I really cannot imagine the world where I would have demanded that they apologise, because I uploaded it in the wrong place.
Probation is probation, doesn't sound like they are a good fit.

Firstly, no, it really isn’t a generational thing. I work with lots of new grads and they are nothing like this.

I do have a male, late thirties colleague who behaves exactly as you describe. He has zero resilience for anything. He’s forever complaining about perceived slights and does my fucking head in.

Secondly, your senior manager is taking the piss. Unless you are “acting up” with commensurate pay increase during your manager’s extended absence, I wouldn’t go anywhere near dealing with this woman.

Involve HR, since senior boss has asked you to take some action, but make it clear that’s where your involvement ends. Senior boss gets paid the big bucks to deal with this shite so let him do it.

When I queried something with a colleague and asked them to do something a ‘preferred’ way rather than ‘their’ way, as they didn’t agree, they went sick and said I’d made them feel emotionally inadequate -4 weeks later they’re still off sick 😞

Agree she is not nervous and insecure to be questioning senior colleagues and demanding apologies. She sounds calculating and manipulative to me.

I don't agree with her behaviour but it's a bit extreme to not pass probation over. I'd be recommending that you extend probation because she has shown signs of unusually sensitive behaviour. She needs to be able to take quite a lot of feedback and can't demand apologies all the time.

Tell her it's fine to explain and fine to have learning points and you want to support her but being so sensitive has led to you you having concerns and would like her to have the time that she can work well with you all. Sandwich this with some good feedback so you can say why you'd want to keep her.

Graduate recruitment is not easy and you don't want to wind up interviewing and trialling someone else without very good reason.

She sounds neurodivergent (both the attention to detail, the need to be correct, over-conscientiousness). Let's assume for the purpose of this post that this might be the case.

She needs feedback and coaching to help her self-govern and get used to normal business interactions without taking umbrage when someone said something 'that is wrong'. Her attention to detail, drive to complete, need to be correct can be superpowers, but can also be kryptonite. It's how she manages herself and how she is managed, that makes the difference.

I think it's good that she's shown some backbone here, instead of going inwards into a shame spiral. She needs to be advised that no matter if you think you should be getting an apology, most of the time you aren't getting one, or if you get one it won't be a very good one - that's how it is and that's how it's going to be. You have to be able to move on from minor wobbles like that, without making it more than it needs to be.

I wish you luck with her, she might not get herself straightened up in your organisation, but I hope she does. If not, then the best you can do for her is to give her some honest well-meant feedback that she can reflect on and do better next time.

This is what probation is for, she's not actually completing work properly, to complete the work it should have been properly titled and uploaded. She is going to be a liability but if she is still within probation you can get rid of her.

I'm mentoring someone a bit like this at the moment and it's a nightmare. She's a complete narcissist and basically believes herself to be more important than anyone in the firm and it's exhausting.

She's come in at a fairly junior level (one rung up from the entry level) but has an inflated sense of her own intelligence and believes herself to be management material, has been at the firm a year and has kicked off about not being promoted.

Every interaction with a more senior person leads to endless requests for "feedback": constructive criticism is met with requests to "clarify" which always trigger internal meeting in which she bursts into tears and complains that people are picking on her because she doesn't "fit in" (to the extent that this is true it's entirely self-inflicted). She's always demanding meetings and Teams calls with senior staff to debrief about straightforward tasks which eats into time none of us has. She messages or corrals me about five or six times a day to ask things like how to respond to emails.

I'm one of FOUR people who are now involved in managing or mentoring her in some way, including the CEO who now has weekly Teams calls with her. In my view it's gone on far too long and she should have been terminated before passing her probation but we are where we are now.

I agree with a PP that you need to clarify exactly what your formal role is in this process and have an answer in writing from your line manager and from HR. You may indeed be exposing yourself to a risk of bullying accusations.

I also think with these sorts of individuals its best to clear them out before they become legally watertight (and sorry if that sounds brutal). Someone who causes this much trouble at a junior level would be a total psychopath in a senior role.

We're reaping the rewards of child-centred/helicopter parenting. If you watch TV dramas you often you see children scolding their parents for something or other. It's just considered normal that parents kowtow to their kids and what they think. Look at what has happened in universities, where the new generation of undergraduates policing language and what other people are allowed to think. Now it's in offices and working environments everywhere.

Unfortunately yes, this is becoming quite common, people crumbling at a slight sign of constructive feedback and daring to be questioned.

Be aware if the HR consultant is an external company that provides legal indemnification, they are probably not commercially minded and will force you round the houses e.g. suggesting PIPs and endless check-ins, 24 hrs notice of any meetings etc. The reality is you can dismiss this person today if you wanted to, although it would have to be done by someone with 'authority' to do so.

Honestly? This will only get worse and I am 99% certain the second your company appears to be nicely nicely about it, the next time she is queried she will go off with stress, dragging the process out.

Cut your losses, she's not going to improve. If HR consultant tells you you need to do xyz ask what the specific legal risk is of terminating now. There won't be one (unless in the termination meeting she throws in something that could be a disability - in which case that does drag it out unfortunately)

red flag all over this one. Good luck!

Excellent post from YoureOnMute - you can always tell those who actually work in this field

No, except for a minority this isn't the "new norrmal", and yes, I agree that this needs dealing with before her probation ends, though I guesss you could always extend it

I believe you've handled it properly so far, and since you've been given the authority to deal with this I'd explain that colleagues find her challenging to work with and ask how she feels this should be addressed. No need for unpleasantness, but not being a good fit is a perfectly valid reason to terminate employment, especially if you honestly feel it's unlikely to improve

I would only talk to her about it with HR involved. Any casual chat and she may accuse you of bullying.
I can understand someone being super sensitive, but insisting on an apology is a bit odd, almost like she feels she was wronged so has to be vindicated?

It's not quite wide-spread enough to be the New Normal, but it's not unusual. Already in the thread we've had it blamed on "snowflakes" and the internet/social media. But I think the roots of this go back further - it's not the fault of this generation that's exhibiting these behaviours, it's the two generations immediately before them.

There's been a decline in parenting skills, and a worsening overall attitude of an aging society towards young people. The young people haven't been brought up to be independent adults and they're reacting against the attitudes of a society that is increasingly gerontocratic and dismissive of them. I can quite understand them not wanting to accept the role in society expected by the sort of people that call them snowflakes.

@Thepeopleversuswork we used to get stuck with some really unsuitable staff because we didn't feel it was fair to fail probation on 'minor' issues. Every single time it was a mistake and some people took ages to remove after being passed.

We are in an industry where its very hard to hire at the moment but the impact of taking on anyone available on quality of work and the amount of time I have to spend sorting out other peoples issues has not been worth the extra body.

Lessons learned and now if someone isn't right they are gone, sometimes it better to be short staffed than create extra work by having someone incompetent in the team!

Excuses, excuses from posters, I'm not sure why. You don't need to analyse her mental health or nurse her along like a 10 year old. She completed her work then re-named the file and filed it in the wrong place. Then she wants an apology from Op because when she couldn't find it she politely asked whether the work had been done, and eventually waste time searching for the re-named and mis-filed document.

Yes, HR need to sit down with you Op to prepare for a meeting with her and then you both need to meet her and extend her probation. It sounds as if it would be along the lines of - you've made a few mistakes (this incident was a mistake!) and that's no problem. The way you deal with it is. There's no need to get defensive, none of us are perfect. However it's not acceptable to be pushing your manager and others for apologies that are simply not needed.

Going forward - she'll do this again. So next time you drop by her desk and have a friendly chat straight away. For example - Hi x - you know I had to message you about that piece of work because you'd re-named and mis-filed it don't you? So I don't need to apologise to you, nor do you to me. Just learn from it and move on. Please don't change file names or locations again without checking first. You need to understand that if someone needs to ask you about your work they aren't attacking you, it's a simple question.

Then be prepared, nip anything like this in the bud in a firm but friendly fashion. As you're in charge be prepared to deal with accusations about the rest of team as well. She needs to understand that in a simple 'Oops sorry! I need to put my glasses on!' is sufficient for most situations because people do slip up and overlook things when they are busy. Demands to multiple formal apologies are not reasonable. Be brief and to the point, don't get sucked into discussions, this is how it is.

I was with you until your comment about her needing to get used to “ an established work culture”. Some places have a toxic workplace
culture disguised as ‘banter’ that has been established over many years.

It’s good a good idea to chat to her to find out how welcomed she feels in the team, etc etc

Just realised how that sounded when I said "throw in something that could be a disability" I didn't mean if she does actually reveal she has a confirmed related disability obvs, I meant if she says a vague "i think i might be on the spectrum" or similar - have had that, although it only took 3 weeks of welfare meetings and a suggestion of occ health for it to be proved they weren't, they were just very difficult.

I'm going with (b)
She botched the task by changing the name of the file. She got it wrong.

Its a common kindness to ask people to "double check" if they have misfiled, misnamed or simply failed to check in a file or module to a shared system. She declined to accept the courtesy excuse and tried to turn it back on you and you are not the only staffer to receive this treatment.

She will have everyone dancing on eggshells if this isn't dealt with. Your director needs to formally tell the rest that you are acting manager, put your plan in writing to the director and agree it. Extend probation or at any rate do not make her permanent unless something significant changes.

This level of (b) not normal for new graduates or younger recruits IME.

I had something similar once. With the added, and totally unfounded implication that I was accusing her of lying and therefore being racist.

This wasn't banter, it was a new staffer who botched a task wanting an apology from the senior who had discovered the error and rectified it.

Its nothing to do with toxic cultures, its basic competence and manners.

Had one like this. Get rid.

You make an interesting point. I watched a two part BBC documentary last night called helping our teens, and it was quite alarming to see just how marked the shift in power is in schools. There needs to be much more of a balance, it seems to be all very text book/buzz wordy. And it was clear how much parenting had played a part in how each of the teens were presenting.
That said, we did a severe number on kids during the overreaching covid response (though having watched the documentary, its perhaps little wonder teachers were reluctant to return to classrooms).

I’m 24 and still working at a very well known company that took me on as a grad, so I hope to provide some insight into her behaviour. (I’m also on the spectrum.)

She took your (very valid) feedback to heart, and being conscientious, she stewed on it that evening and searched on TikTok on how to respond, hence the strange formality.

Fortunately/unfortunately there’s American career-focused creators who share their ‘ways’ to tackle sexism/ micro-aggressions whilst climbing the ladder – with the Valley girl accent included. The defensive advice designed for Anna Wintor’s office, and its mostly not relevant, or it doesn’t translate well to the humdrum of British office life.

I’ve been guilty of it, and I know for a fact other junior people have adopted the advice and haven’t fared too well. One kicked and screamed herself out the door with accusations of racism and demands of ‘respect’ when they had asked for the most ordinary of things of her.

Having a mentor and seeing how other people react to set-backs has helped me.

As your management team have all stepped back on this issue and left it to you you need to let your director know that you will be looking to stop her employment because she cannot do the basics and ensure that he will support you on that. And tell HR you intend to stop her employment and to make sure all boxes are ticked accordingly and to guide you through the process.

Nobody who asks for an apology when it was them that fucked up is going to be good for the business.

In a small company/team her interactions are red flags. From experience it’s harder to let people go further down the line. If she’s not the right fit for your company and vice versa it’s better to sort it now. We’ve had to let a couple of people go and it is hard as they were nice people but like this situation just didn’t fit in with the team.

You are right it sounds defensive behaviour, perhaps she’s worried about passing probation. Ironically this behaviour is likely to make that happen.

in her defence I would say these exchanges were made far worse by email/wfh. If you’d been in the office together you would have just popped to her desk and said where’s x file & would have found it together. Or could you call her on teams to run through queries? Has she got proper support /mentoring by someone in person to do the job?