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Original poster

Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

510 replies

Grubble · 03/04/2023 11:46

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
ShowOfHands · 03/04/2023 11:49

I've read twice and squinted and can't find the offence.

pinkpotatoez · 03/04/2023 11:49

Seems ridiculous if it's actually gym policy, ask what is the actual reason men and women can't spar if it's not for the reason you explained. What else was you supposed to say?

ShippingNews · 03/04/2023 11:50

I'd want to know just what this conversation had to do with your work ? Honestly, the sex/gender thing is leeching into every aspect of life , and common sense has gone out of the window. Good luck with your interview, op.

JulieHoney · 03/04/2023 11:50

No HR knowledge to offer but I support you 100% - stating facts about biological differences is NOT offensive speech.

Emma Hilton (Fond Of Beetles) might be a good source of data or infographics so you can explain your comment if needed.

MoMandaS · 03/04/2023 11:50

This is outrageous. That aside, I would tell them that all you did was explain the reasoning given by 'someone at the gym' in relation to their policy, i.e. not necessarily your own opinion/explanation.

Thelittlekingdom · 03/04/2023 11:50

HR clearly don’t have enough work to do if they’re pulling you in for this.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/04/2023 11:52

How ridiculous. You just need to tell them you were explaining the gym policy and I rather suspect they will find nothing to quibble about.

JupiterFortified · 03/04/2023 11:52

Oh my god what a load of absolute bollocks.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP and this is the sort of thing that would make me start updating my CV and looking for another job.

I would stand your ground in the meeting and reiterate that you’ve said nothing wrong. I’d also give a couple of examples - eg UK athletics has banned transgender athletes from women’s competitions (quite rightly).

Your HR team and the colleague who complained are being absolutely ridiculous.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 03/04/2023 11:52

Offence isn't given its taken.

Ask HR why they are allowing a colleague to put you through a stressful process just because they find biological reality offensive.

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 11:53

It won't be a bollocking. It will be them explaining why offence was taken and you explaining why none was intended.

Someone's obviously reported it differently to you have here and as with most things I daresay the truth is somewhere between the two.

discobrain · 03/04/2023 11:53

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OhVicIveFallen · 03/04/2023 11:54

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Yikes

shard5 · 03/04/2023 11:54

So whoever's gone to he have obviously either exaggerated what you said or reworded what you said to try and get you in trouble
Id take a copy of the gym policy and explain how you were just repeating what you've been told.
Stand firm, no apology needed from you
Then Insist on an apology from HR and ask them how they'll be dealing with the complainant.

NutellaEllaElla · 03/04/2023 11:56

Maybe HR need to meet with the complainant to determine why they have taken offence and then decide whether they really need to drag you into this ridiculousness first.

SnarkyBag · 03/04/2023 11:56

JupiterFortified · 03/04/2023 11:52

Oh my god what a load of absolute bollocks.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP and this is the sort of thing that would make me start updating my CV and looking for another job.

I would stand your ground in the meeting and reiterate that you’ve said nothing wrong. I’d also give a couple of examples - eg UK athletics has banned transgender athletes from women’s competitions (quite rightly).

Your HR team and the colleague who complained are being absolutely ridiculous.

I would raise an example of trans athletes. OP didn’t mention trans in her discussion let HR open that can of worms if they want to. If they do I would just keep stating that you didn’t make any reference to trans people and you were referencing the clubs policy about males/females sparing

SnarkyBag · 03/04/2023 11:56

I wouldn’t not would

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 11:57

shard5 · 03/04/2023 11:54

So whoever's gone to he have obviously either exaggerated what you said or reworded what you said to try and get you in trouble
Id take a copy of the gym policy and explain how you were just repeating what you've been told.
Stand firm, no apology needed from you
Then Insist on an apology from HR and ask them how they'll be dealing with the complainant.

You think someone should be "dealt with" for reporting concerns about discrimination?

If everything is exactly as OP reports they've got something wrong, but does that mean they shouldn't report concerns?

IceMagic · 03/04/2023 11:57

What you said was fine and factual. The person who reported you and your HR are nuts. Why do they think men and women compete separately at the Olympics?

Original poster
Grubble · 03/04/2023 11:57

Thank you!

I'm not sure I can claim I was just explaining gym policy because I was talking about men/women not sparring as being obvious.

I'm not sure which colleague it was who reported my comments but I do have my suspicions.

HR are shit-hot on situations involving the sex/gender issue.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 03/04/2023 11:58

ShowOfHands · 03/04/2023 11:49

I've read twice and squinted and can't find the offence.

Me neither. Was it because you said men and women are different? I'm genuinely confused

Original poster
Grubble · 03/04/2023 11:59

Phoebo · 03/04/2023 11:58

Me neither. Was it because you said men and women are different? I'm genuinely confused

Show quote history

I suspect so, yes.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 03/04/2023 12:00

I would signpost you to the Feminism boards and post there - the posters there will give you the argument about how your response was not offensive or inappropriate. I would ask for an agenda for the meeting, ask if you can bring a colleague for support and take extensive notes in the meeting and whatever you do don’t apologise.

stripeypetunias · 03/04/2023 12:01

So let me get this straight work want to bollock you because you repeated an operational / safety type policy of another organisation…?! What’s it to anyone else?

Can you just keep referring HR back to the gym…? They will then hopefully see the ridiculousness.

Original poster
Grubble · 03/04/2023 12:01

SnarkyBag · 03/04/2023 11:56

I wouldn’t not would

I got you and agree - I'll let them bring that issue up. I didn't mention trans people at all. That wasn't the conversation. The conversation didn't head in that direction.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 03/04/2023 12:01

Don't be led down any 'trans' discussion line.

You are allowed to want to spar with other women. Your gym is allowed to ensure the safety of women by not allowing you to spar with men.

And you are allowed to know that men sparring with you would be dangerous.