Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

[Grubble]

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

I’d look for another job … HR sounds bizarre.

To be honest I'm inclined to use stuff like this against the person throwing the accusations around

So if the issue is that the person thinks trans women should compete in women's sports I would be tempted to look shocked and go 'why is the person accusing me grouping them together under men, how very transphobic of them. As trans women are women I didn't think I needed to single them out further. Perhaps my colleague needs a refresher on their biases'

But that's because I would be in a bitchy mood about it. Ultimately it would not help things in terms of women's rights so it's not the right course of action!

Give them the gym details and ask HR to take it up with them if they have a problem with the gym policy….

Just stick to your facts. HR have an obligation to speak to you, and that’s why you’re are doing.

Just wait and see what they ask in the meeting. But stick to facts, don’t go down any garden paths and take it from there.

It’ll be stressful in the wait but I’m sure you’ll be fine.

That's true kind of. But I wasn't just repeating the policy. I mean, I didn't lead with "Well, its gym policy that men and women don't spar because..."

It went more like: "Well, obviously men and women are different because.... Plus its gym policy anyway"

So I was clearly signalling that I believe/trust the gym policy which is grounded in biological sex differences.

Totally agree with @AlisonDonut What you said is factual. You have nothing to explain.

Can you turn it around onto them and ask them to explain the offence? Then leave their words hanging in the air as whatever nonsense they come out with slowly dawns on them as being precisely that. Don’t engage or argue with them; be inscrutable.

Have a look at the recent article regarding World Athletics/Sebastian Coe, as there might be something you can use for the men/women argument. Also has professional boxing made any statement regarding tw in womens tournaments as tw are essentially men as they have gone through puberty. Failing that ask the FWR board. They know about sex and gender and the confusion it causes in HR.

At worst state the employment tribunal that found in favour of Msya Forstater and her gc views. Might get them off your back.

This is the lunatics taking over the asylum, isn’t it. The person that reported you is the one that has the problem.

surreal, this policing of sanity by the mentally tilted.

Goodness me!

What you said was entirely factually accurate. I used to do martial arts a very long time ago. We used to do two kids or two women into one bloke to even up the odds in sparring.

I'd be ready to flip this in the meeting and raise a complaint that someone thought you had the physicality of a man (hence why it wasn't obvious why you can't spar with a man) and you find that incredibly offensive as a woman.

Fuck this stupid nonsense. Female equality is not based on us being physically stronger and bigger than men - at any level. Acknowledging biological differences is critical in some areas, I'd strongly argue MMA is definitely one of them. You don't just lose to a faster person, or someone who can lift more than you, you could end up like Tamikka Brents with a broken skull.

The law is on your side. I'd be pushing back, what is to be done about training the person who doesn't understand biology or the reason females need protection in sport? Very concerning. Sex matters.

I think maybe you're a bit behind the times with your attempts at stirring things up. Most sports governing bodies have got this sorted now and your employer will know that if they're so right on.

HR is bizarre - I work in the public sector 😂

HR is really shit-hot on potential offenses around sex/gender. Weirdly so.

Just tell them you were quoting the gym policy. I don’t think you’re in for a bollicking. If your HR have a problem with what you said tell them to speak with your gym. End off.

I would be fuming.

Stick to the facts, perhaps remind them as well that women don't have to have physical contact with any male they don't want to.

I wouldn't bring up the trans issue at all. You just have to say that of course men and women train differently and don't compete against each other in that sport.

Are there ever any mixed matches in tournaments? Does the national association have any rules about mixed bouts or competitions? That might be good evidence that you were simply stating facts

Silence is your friend. If they ask a question just answer it as succinctly as possible. Don’t diverge or extrapolate.
If there’s a silence remain composed. Don’t break it.
It isn’t a philosophical debate, it’s a box ticking exercise.

Jesus fucking christ. Not to you OP, but what the world has come to.

This is madness. What you said is fact

You havent made any offensive comments

Where's the discrimination though?

My advice would be to email the World Boxing Federation and the British Board of Boxing control or whatever your sport’s respective governing bodies are and go into the meeting armed with their responses and other scientifically proven evidence to support exactly what you said printed out as a statement. Always confront stupid with stupid because it is not worth engaging in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.