Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

[Grubble]

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

IT'S NOT HR!!!! You are completely missing the point. HR can't simply go "your emitting faecal matter" when a tit like this complains!! Policy/litigation dictate that each complaint has to be taken at face value, even if you know it's a pile of the steaming stuff! It is endlessly frustrating!!!

I still don't even know why HR got handed this - that should have been a line manager, with or without an HR rep for support! HR's function is primarily advisory!

Next it'll be that you are so quite at work that you are making someone someone feel uncomfortable🙄

So no religion, no politics, no talking about what you do outside of work!

You're overthinking this I feel - not too many HRs would have the time or energy to think like that!!

I would definitely agree @Grubble though that you would be best to say nothing. You don't want anything getting back to anyone here - in particular you wouldn't want to give the minutely-appendaged, snivelling coward of an asshole the satisfaction of knowing you were upset in any way by what happened. I know there's a huge temptation to make a dig, and I really do have to hold back sometimes - but it's not worth it. The problem with richard cranium challenged toads like this is, they can operate unseen in the dark like the sewer rats they are. He managed to wriggle out of putting his name to the complaint which he would have had to do to make it formal.

I am willing to bet that HR/senior management are just waiting for someone to make a formal complaint about him to give them something to go on. I am also pretty certain that they dread the sight of him whinging on about someone else.

I wouldn't be that person though for all the tea in China (tea from other countries is available!) - it's a soul destroying process to go through and rarely achieves an outcome that anyone is happy with (unless related to actual, concrete events rather than nuances, perceptions etc).

You might still consider taking a spell of stress leave - you could speak to your GP? It might underline what this spurious complaint has put you through? Where I work, if you got signed off it would supersede your annual leave and you would get that back.

Glad it's over though @Grubble - it's very unpleasant. Give Keyboard Warrior a wide berth and talk only work talk, and as little of it as you can. Maybe one day he will fall foul of cyber world and someone will fire in a whistleblowing complaint about him... poetic justice!

You probs should get the thread taken down for privacy reasons though it's a shame as there's a world of good advice on it. Best wishes and enjoy your break x

Well done you , it sounds like you kept calm and handled it well . I too have been stressed out by HR meetings for being accused of something I did not do .

@allmyliesaretrue HR probably didn’t trust the manager not to fuck it up.

Given the opinions on here about HR’s ability and suggesting either lodging a grievance or expecting HR to tell the complainant to fuck off. I wouldn’t risk a manager dealing with it.

Very true!! You made me smile - I've sat through some howlers! It's still the job of the managers to manage though, not expect HR to do it all for them. I'm utterly weary of trying to get some of them to actually do their bloody job... sigh

@allmyliesaretrue You're overthinking this I feel - not too many HRs would have the time or energy to think like that!!

I hope you are right! You are certainly talking sense, and I do tend to overthink. Although, I have seen certain HR people (and certain bosses although I luckily have never had one) play games like this: some of them do it naturally and effortlessly, and enjoy putting people off-balance and feeling powerful, with no overthinking required on their part.

Maybe in a small organisation where everyone knows each other personally. My organisation has in excess of 50,000 over a geographical spread. HR has no axe to grind because we don't know these people from Adam. All we're there to do is ensure they are treated respectfully, justly and fairly, according to policy and procedure.

I imagine in this scenario, HR are probably inwardly groaning, here comes that prick again...!

@allmyliesaretrue I imagine in this scenario, HR are probably inwardly groaning, here comes that prick again...!

on that one, I totally agree!

😜