Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

[Grubble]

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

Someone has obviously complained to HR and HR have to investigate your side of the issue.
It will probably turn into nothing. I work in HR BTW and some of the complaints we get that need investigating are ridiculous.

Good grief. There will come a time where we won't be able to speak/say anything about anything. I hope I'm dead by then.

OP, are you able to get hold of a copy of the gym's rules/regulations that state men/women are not to spar together? Can you get a statement from the gym themselves along those lines to take to your meeting? I know it's a ridiculous thing to ask but it could help in your meeting.

Honestly, the world has gone fucking mad.

Quit and leave them in the lurch - tell them why on your way out!

I d be minded to make a complaint yourself based on what they say.
Biologically there’s nothing wrong with what you said.
Legally there’s nothing wrong with what you said.
Logically there’s nothing wrong with what you said.
What a non issue to be wasting your time and HR’s time with.
It’s utterly ridiculous.

I'd arrange for those colleagues who complained to go sparring with some men.

Ask them if they would prefer to get punched in by a man or a woman?

Legally there’s nothing wrong with what you said

That's what I'm trying to focus on and get straight in my head.

Jesus wept. This is ridiculous and pathetic. You stated basic biology, actual facts. Men don’t fight women because they are generally stronger and larger. This is not offensive and I would fight this insanity and stick to your guns.

Take a basic biology book explaining the differences between men and women and also the gym policy and ask them to point out exactly which part of your scientifically accurate description or reiteration of another businesses policy caused the offence.

@TurnLeftAtTheBakery and @RichardHeed

😜Exactly this.

There's an added complication that most of the males at my gym who are my weight (i.e. that I would potentially spar with if mixed-sex was allowed) are teenage boys 😱😬

I wouldn't assume you're in for a bollocking. A colleague has raised this with HR, so HR have to follow their set procedures to the letter. However idiotic HR themselves think it is. That said, follow all the excellent advice you've received, just in case. Good luck!

I think this is true. They have procedures to follow. It's like if someone makes some crazy accusations with the police they likely know it's nonsense but still have to do checks and fill in forms etc.

You agree with the gun policy

That policy is in alignment with the equality act which allows for sex based differentiation where appropriate

I personally would find it offensive and discriminatory if I were not allowed to acknowledge that males and females are biologically different whilst being cognitively indistinguishable

I'd just push it back to the HR lady and ask her why men and women have different sports teams and events in the Olympics, if you're not allowed to explain why your gym discourages you from putting yourself in a situation in which a man could punch you in the face.

Watch her explain....

Jesus wept. For fucks sake of course your comments aren't offensive. Why are mens football team playing women's teams if that's the case? What absolute snowflakes. This shit makes me so angry!

Just say its obvious as you don't want to encourage violence against women by men, and then ask them if they advocate men hitting women.

They will shit their pants.

Sorry to hear this OP

You didn’t say or do anything wrong

ridicilous society we live in these days

best of luck x

Someone has made a complaint which counts as an informal grievance so HR have to follow up with you as a matter of due diligence. You were stating a fact, not disparaging anyone. You can counter claim for colleague creating a hostile workplace for reporting you to HR if they don’t back off. But on a more conciliatory note you might suggest to HR that some sensitivity training is in order.

Your colleges were obviously goading you by asking you why it's obvious, probably with a view of making this complaint. I doubt they were genuinely offended. Bastards!

Your call how to play this. In an ideal world I'd go in ready for battle, with my narrative, and try and get HR to pinpoint exactly what you said and why it was wrong, and fight them on it. In the real world in which I like my job and want an easy life, I'd go in with a collaboration spirit of faux genuine curiosity about how what I said could possibly have caused offense. If they say men and women difference keep to the point of it being gym policy and it actually being the case that you couldn't spar against any of the men at your gym at your level without serious injury. Do not let them intimidate you. You are the expert and there is nothing legally, biologically or professionally wrong with what you said.

I would be inclined to raise a grievance against your colleague since being gender critical is protected.

Also point out the dangers with examples such as fallon fox breaking Tamikka Brents skull.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/boxing-is-right-to-stop-men-fighting-women/

@Stravaig - totally agree.

You can perceive this complaint as a belt and braces.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Hold your nerve and stand your ground.

Don’t allow ignorance to be the controlling factor.

Take the moral high ground.

The later point is not relevant to your discussion though - unless the TWAW issue is raised - because if woman is a feeling it's in the brain and then people are saying there is a brain difference between women and men which is horrific

I feel sorry for you. People are pathetic. I wouldn't apologise you have said nothing wrong.

I wouldn’t actually go in with lots of notes prepared, as it will make any ‘offence’ caused seem more intentional. I’d take the line of, “You’re going to have to give me some time to process what you are saying, as I am finding this situation extremely distressing.”

Treat this as a “give ‘em enough rope” interview.