Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

[Grubble]

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

@DarkShade Your colleges were obviously goading you by asking you why it's obvious, probably with a view of making this complaint. I doubt they were genuinely offended. Bastards!

Yeah, in retrospect I see that now. I didn't pick it up at the time. I think my saying "Obviously men and women don't spar..." is what said colleague has latched on to. Sigh.

Or was it the "obviously" they took offence to as they didn't know and felt belittled for not knowing the rules?

Assuming this is about boxing it surely is absolutely fucking obvious to anyone?

What an utter pile of steaming bollocks OP. You need to quote at them that being female is a protected characteristic under the equality act and that you are being discriminated against.

I take it you work with the professionally offended? As I’ve read this twice and can’t find what you’ve done wrong! World has gone mental!

The nasty side is that these men clearly have it in for you.

As with any HR discussion, take notes, follow up by email in writing what was discussed. If desired ask for another person to be present. In your case, I think you would asking for clarification on what was offensive - you are simply reiterating the gym policy. Put it back on them to explain what the issue is. Don't argue or debate the point, other to reiterate you were explaining the gym policy and are unclear why that is an issue.

Was this a man who has raised this?

And it is a man who knows nothing about MMA?

Because if so I would want to know what the HR team are going to do about a company culture where men who are not experts in a field think it's okay to complain about the opinion of a woman who is a senior/expert in her field

I would perhaps keep it to; I was repeating my gym's policy as I was asked about it.

And just repeat that.

If they probed my personal opinions on things I would just say 'I don't want to get into my personal opinions, which I keep out of a work setting'

Excuse the typos - auto correct trying to think for me!!

I agree that often work get ridiculous complaints and seem to think they have to “investigate” or speak to you about them, rather than using their common sense and telling the complainant to stop being so silly. Once got hauled in because a colleague had complained that another colleague and I “were always going to the toilet together” as a way of excluding her. Obviously we weren’t, once or twice we ended up needing a pee at the same time and coincidentally going to the toilet - something which had no bearing on the colleague’s workload. She was clearly just out to make trouble but nevertheless we had to explain all this apparently. Should it be obvious that two women over 35 are not bullying another woman by needing to pee? Yes. Should it be obvious that you’re allowed to explain that men and women box separately because it’s a fact? Yes!!

great advice here re being factual, a bit “puzzled” about why they are getting you in to explain that in many sports men and women train and compete separately (something which every child knows), and refusing to be drawn on trans or other things that aren’t relevant. Be the grown up.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

Are you sure you aren’t being pulled in because there’s an expectation / requirement for you to attend work events and you’ve declined to attend for personal social reasons instead?

this might have nothing to do with the MMA thing. If it has thouhj, I wouldn’t even mention the trans issue given that you never even mentioned it in your original comments

Can’t you just decline the HR meeting?

THIS!

It is obvious.

This is like the emperors new bloody clothes. All this dancing around issues and pretending not to see differences that are very obvious

Im annoyed on your behalf, OP. What a complete waste of everybodies time.

You've had some good advice here. I think in your position I would let them do the talking. Let them tie themselves in knots trying to explain the issue without sounding like idiots, rather than you speaking and them trying to pick your argument apart.

Just be politely puzzled. "Well, it is obvious? It would be highly dangerous for a man to fight a woman in a combative sport, therefore it is against gym policy?"

Best of luck, and don't waste any more headspace on this than you have to.

Oh the world has gone fucking mad!

I sympathise as my work is completely captured too. I long to speak up but daren’t as we need to pay the bloody mortgage!

Someone in my team got a bollocking as they dared ask why trans identifying males were being counted in the gender pay gap discussions 🤯🤯🤯

I second posting on sex and gender board and they’ll know what you need to say.

I would ask for a full written report on the nature of the complaint and HRs stance on same, as you would like your solicitor to review it.

I would also tell HR that you equally offended by the insinuation that you were doing anothing other than recalling and staying the gym policy and ask them to outline what I being implied here.

Same.

Do you have any like minded colleagues who you can bring along with you to sit at the back and listen?

And another thing - it should be so bloody obvious why men and women don’t spar!

My husband is shorter than me but could easily overpower me in two seconds and pin me one handed if we ever do any play fighting or anything. He’s not especially fit - like doesn’t pump iron at the gym or anything and is so much stronger than me it’s ridiculous!

Sorry, struggling to keep up with responses. I'm also looking at the Maya Forstater judgement and sporting body policies. And doing my job 😂

@ShirleyPhallus No expectation that I'd attend events outside of work hours, no. The event was a last minute thing arranged with 24-hours notice so lots of people couldn't have made it. This itself is an EDI issue of course!

@Mycathatesmecuddling It was a man who said "why obviously?" and I suspect its him who raised the issue with HR. The group around me when we were having the conversation was mixed men and women.

I love what @Mycathatesmecuddling said and I would go down this route. How fucking dare he!!!

I suspect Hr have to follow this up as a tick box exercise as someone (idiot) has taken it upon themselves to be (twat) report it.

There is nothing offensive to what you said, it's true and gym policy

I'm so sorry you've had this, OP. The colleague who has complained - can it be true that they were really offended ? Or are they a person where you've had any problematic dealings with them over a separate work issue ?

I would suggest for your meeting:

1. Take your union rep along with you
2. If you don't have a union rep, ask a colleague to come with you (obvs not one of the colleagues who complained!)
3. Ask HR if you can record the discussion. If they say no, then state to them that you will be writing down the precise questions / comments they make to you. Have a big pad and pen and do this for every item they raise.
4. Don't react in the conversation. Tell HR that you will consider their behaviour (HR's) and the behaviour of the upset colleague, and that you will reply to them in writing. Don't reply until you've slept on it and got someone to read your draft first.

I haven’t read the full thread. But perhaps try to listen a lot and just respond succinctly.

Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Then put in a claim for harassment by the colleagues making the vexatious claim against you.

If they've exaggerated what OP said then they've lied which should be a disciplinary offence if they're employed there. OP are youbpart of a union? GC beliefs are protected so do bear that in mind.

Are you able to get a copy of the gym’s risk assessments around this area? Might be interesting reading..

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I'm not sure its a case of professionally offended as such. Kind of. More a case of really embarrassingly, cringily 'woke' so always ready to spring to the defense of the perpetually oppressed groups.