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Original poster

Does anyone else find working when you've got kids REALLY hard?

186 replies

dollybird · 06/02/2006 21:32

I have been back at work three days a week for two years now since my 2nd child was born, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope with juggling everything. This is partly as the job has changed from one I loved to one I put up with, but mostly because I find it such a nightmare getting the kids ready for nursery in the morning and when I pick them up in the evening they are so hyper and I am tired etc - I just hate it.Every week I wish I could give up work (can't afford to), but by Sunday I am usually glad of a break. Does it ever get any easier?

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 07/02/2006 12:28

Just wanted to say you are not alone. I work full time in a job I love but still have a nightmare getting DD to nursery and she is hyper with excitement when I collect her. Have tried au pair route to do drop offs and collections but this caused its own problems.

uwila · 07/02/2006 12:38

Hi Dollybird. I work full-time and there are certaily times I'd rather be home. But I could never give up my career. It would make me too vulnerable. So I go to work, and I expect I always will -- until I win the lottery.

Redtartanlass · 07/02/2006 12:44

dollybird,i'm...exactly..the..opposite...I..find..it..extermely...hard..work..being..at..home..with..2...kidsI..take..my.hat..off..to..all...ft..mums..

However...when..I..go..back..this..time..I'm..having...a...nanny..instead..of...nursery.It..will..be..so..much..easier..The..nanny..can..get..them..dressed..and..breakfasted..So..mornings..should..be...soooooo...much...easier..and..less..stressfull.

Is..that..an..option..you've...thoought...off...Ifound..it...a..similar..price..to..having...2..at..nursery.

Sorry..spacebar..knacked!!

twirlaround · 07/02/2006 12:54

I find it hard (23 hours a week) and find being at home a piece of cake in comparison!

Once your kids sleep reliably it is better, and again once they can do more for themselves - no nappies, getting dressed alone, fixing drinks etc

School is harder to fit with work than nursery, and there are more activities to take your child to. But I find that it does get easier as they get older, but not much! I think I would have found it all easier had I started 10 years younger though!

uwila · 07/02/2006 12:55

Totally agree about the nanny. A live-in can be slightly cheaper than nursery for two. Although I suppose you might need to work 5 days a week for this to work out financially (I do).

bythesouthsea · 07/02/2006 13:17

Glad I found this thread - I also work full-time and yes it is v hard getting 1 to nursery and 1 to school now (reception). Husband also works away all week so single parent Tues > Fri- however love my job and like uwila would find it hard to give up my career. Doesn't stop me going around with full on guilt though! Am struggling with childcare and whether or not to try a nanny - just feel its one step away from 'why have kids in the first place' - am I wrong?

uwila · 07/02/2006 13:41

OMG, bythesouthsea, please don't feel that way. It is a not anywhere near "why have kids?" NEVER let anyone say that to you. I found that when I used a childminder by morning and my evenings were consumed by me tring to pack bags, clean kitchen, get her bathed, etc. and never was there any time to actually sit down and see my child before it was time to get her (and ME!!) off to bed. Now I have a nanny, and she does the clean-up, bath time, etc. and I can actually sit down and see my kids from the time I get home until the time they go to bed. I mean, when you are going home to do house work to ignore your kids you are better off paying someone else to do the house work so you can see the kids. If I'm not going to get to see my kids, I might as well stay at the job that pays.

bythesouthsea · 07/02/2006 19:52

uwila thank you for your kind words! The getting home, tea, bags, bath then bed bit is very mad but most of the time we do have a giggle - just very concious of no me time. Thank god I have a fab cleaner otherwise I know this place would be condemmed! Does you nanny live in? Feel like I would like the convenience of a nanny just not the 'space invaded' feel of a live in one. DD1 loves the childminder who picks her up from school but we are not very pleased with her generally - but DD1 is happy. DD2 at new nursery near DD1 school which is not as great as her old one so thats all adding to the whole guilt thing.

uwila · 07/02/2006 20:58

Our nanny is live-in. I, personally, wouldn't have it any other way. I leave the house at 6:45 (on a good day) and return home at 7:00. If my nanny didn't live here I would never get to know the person who looks after my kids. The last nanny I had spent all of her time in her room and it drove both of us mad. It is really important to me that I know (and like) the nanny. Also, she works long hours for me and I can't afford to pay her very generously, so I try to do fun things when I can. Like we go out to dinner once a month and just chat about the job, the kids, mumsnet, nannyjob, whatever. One monthe neither of us really had anything to say, so we went to a movie instead.

Pruni · 07/02/2006 21:15

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robinpud · 07/02/2006 21:40

Iam not sure if it does get easier, but I think you learn to adapt and manage things. I work 2 days a week and whilst I hate the rushing around packing bags the night before lark I find that those 2 days fly by and then it is the weekend. It has made me apprecaite the time spent with the kids and giving me a little bit of financial freedom.
My tips are
1.Try and train your dh to share the getting ready for nursery/packing bags/cookng a meal on your working night .. something along the lines of sharing. ( I failed miserably at this!)
2. the years 0-5 fly past and then suddenly they are at school- make the most of your time with them now and tidy your house etc when they are at school.
3. See the advantages for all of you in you working- money, children mixing with other kids, adult company for you etcetc
4. On the days you don't work do things you enjoy with them and don't worry about the housework.
5. If it is the job you hate rather than the working.. can you change this somehow?
Good luck

expatinscotland · 07/02/2006 21:43

Yes, I hate it and it sucks. But there's no help for it unless we win the Lotto

puddingandpie · 07/02/2006 22:32

I find it very stressful too. Although I moan about having to pay so much on childcare, I like the fact i get my 1 full day 2 school hours over with at the beginning of the week. Some really helpful tips here on getting organised. It is very difficult to be bright eyed and bushy tailed when you have not had a night's sleep and feel like there is no quality time with kids. It is the housework that gets to me. I am a better mum for working part-time as i just sort of lost myself with being at home ie confidence ,I'm me again. Manic but me. I find it more difficult now that d/d has started school easier when they were both in the creche.

handlemecarefully · 07/02/2006 22:42

I gave up work just prior to Christmas. The aspects of working I found hard were:

  • getting up early in the morning for work with them and dragging them out of bed before they were good and ready at 6.15 am (believe it or not, left to their own devices they tend to wake between 07.30 and 08.00 despite being only 1 and 3 years old)
  • my dd in particular bitterly complaining about being left at Day Nursery and wanting to see more of me
  • not being able to monitor what they ate when they were at Day Nursery
  • managing their sickness when I was expected at work

I don't feel vulnerable by not working for a while (in direct response to Uwila's observation) but I can understand why some women would...but then if dh trades me in for another model I will get a handsome divorce settlement

I'm sorry that giving up work is not an option for you dollybird and that you are finding it tough going....It's a PITA

bigbaubleeyes · 07/02/2006 23:35

Hi just had my first - and am wary about returning to work I have to let them know if I wish to be considered for part time work or not. I have a demanding job and I was just going to tough it out for another year fulltime til the second came along (hopefully). This thread has given me a lot to think about, so thank you from me to those who are 'there'.

anniemac · 08/02/2006 10:16

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anniemac · 08/02/2006 10:21

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blueshoes · 08/02/2006 10:44

For me, the key to my sanity was to downshift to a less demanding job which had reduced hours - I am lucky to be able to do that, I know. I had to fight tooth and nail for that. But apart from the early morning rush and the daily grind of the nursery pick up and drop off, it is so far ok. Yes, feel rotten on days dd does not want to go to nursery and walks around tearily telling the carers "mummy work", "daddy work". But other days, she seems fine and we have some nice chill-out time together once I pick her up.

But I only have the one ... anticipating issues once she starts school hours/term time schedule. My plan is an au pair to paper over the schoolrun cracks.

majorstress · 08/02/2006 10:58

The other side of the coin, I hate my kids and DH and the only time I am happy is when I am out of the house without them (okay blast away at me those who like doing that). I am having a so-far unsuccessful struggle to change my mantra that constantly chants inside my head - "having kids has ruined my life, having kids has ruined my life", to something more constructive. My workplace is full of miserable gits (like me, I guess, but mostly without kids) but at least they leave me alone most of the time, I am so happy to be at work, except when people are complaining about how far behind I am-because I had to go part-time in Sept. I would love my family to just vanish.

uwila · 08/02/2006 11:12

Oh, Majorstress... that sounds terrible. Whay don't you go back to full time and get a better nanny? I'm sure I could find you one.

Bugsy2 · 08/02/2006 11:21

I've always worked part-time and really enjoy it. Sometimes it was a real sweat doing drop offs & collections but for me it has always been worth it. Ex-H worked abroad Mon-Fri, so I never had any help from him & now I don't have him at all, so I have found the best thing is to be very organised.
I always have everything prepared for the morning. My clothes ready, the children's clothes ready, whatever they need for school, nursery and when they were babies for the childminder, packed & ready to go. My children are 6 & 3 and they know that I turn into the scary monster lady if they are painful in the morning.
It is definitely easier now that they are older & also that I have an aupair squeezed into my tiny house to do the after nursery/school pick up and bedtime routine in the evening.

blueshoes · 08/02/2006 11:28

aw, majorstress, are your children still young? These are the most stressful times of a woman's life. Your happiness as a mother is really important. Agree with uwila that if you prefer to be ft at work, then go for it . This too shall pass.

Enid · 08/02/2006 11:32

majorstress

I know I gave you a hard time on your other thread as well but I think you really need help.

Why do you feel that way about your family?

motherinferior · 08/02/2006 11:39

Oh, Majorstress, much sympathy. Seriously. (I'm in the Bugsy camp - work four days a week, always have done, love it, am organised to a quite surprising degree, btw.) It is all very, very, difficult, isn't it. What is particularly awful for you at the moment?

CountessDracula · 08/02/2006 11:42

Yes I find it hard but I feel there are things you can do to make it easier

I get everything ready the night before for me and dd so that i am just up and out myself, then allow enough time for her to faff around a bit getting dressed/cleaning teeth etc.

In the evenings, I get a p/t nanny to collect her from nursery and bring her home (I don't like her being in nursery all day,so she gets her at 3.30) give her dinner, play at home, get dressed for bed so when I get home I can just hang out with her. Also stops the unbelievable stress of transport f**k-ups when you are stranded on a train and the pick up time at nursery has passed.

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