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Original poster

Does anyone else find working when you've got kids REALLY hard?

186 replies

dollybird · 06/02/2006 21:32

I have been back at work three days a week for two years now since my 2nd child was born, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope with juggling everything. This is partly as the job has changed from one I loved to one I put up with, but mostly because I find it such a nightmare getting the kids ready for nursery in the morning and when I pick them up in the evening they are so hyper and I am tired etc - I just hate it.Every week I wish I could give up work (can't afford to), but by Sunday I am usually glad of a break. Does it ever get any easier?

OP posts:
nooka · 10/02/2006 21:37

oops! majorly long post

cat64 · 10/02/2006 21:40

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jessb · 10/02/2006 21:42

Dollybirdthanks for sharing a situation! i too work 3 days a week in a job i used to like but just find the juggling is getting hardernot easier. Not helped though by taking my first ever 1/2 day off last week to care for 2 vomiting kiddies and being hauled over the coals for it. Luckily have v supportive DH who can usually care for the kids when they are ill but it's made me search on here for ideas of what to do because feels like i've got my priorities all wrong--eg spend all the time at work or planning for work, or catching up at home and not with the kids. i'm waiting for a brainwave

fsmail · 11/02/2006 08:54

Hi Cat64, a networking club is where business people can get together informally to make contacts and tell people about their business. It is an alternative to cold calling and works with advertising. It is also a good chance to get ideas of other people. Normally they are held over breakfast or after work.

Lots of different views on here with no slating of people which is great

fsmail · 11/02/2006 09:01

Meant to say. You are welcome to come along when I find a friendly venue who will not charge a fortune.

motherinferior · 11/02/2006 16:03

Majorstress, I apologise if I implied you 'should' love your children or your husband. I do think there are probably measures which could enable you to feel less unhappy, and/or in a position to make some changes which would make you happier.

And yes, actually, I do think parental depression has major impacts. My mother was very unhappy for a chunk of my childhood and it certainly impacted on unhappiness and depression which I experienced for years.

djsmum · 12/02/2006 20:18

I went back to work when my son was 1 year old. I work full time, 12 hours, a day and he goes to nursery for 10 hours a day! i find it very working so many hours but i have to do it for my son and for our future! He loves it at nursery and he gets on really well with everyone there, but yeah i suppose its hard when he does something and i miss it cause i am not there. I feel gulity all the time and feel like a rubbish mother as well but unfortunatley the way life is these days i have no choice if we want a good life! I miss him every day. Its very very hard being a working a mum but thats what we have to do.

cat64 · 12/02/2006 20:47

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TaiTai · 13/02/2006 00:07

Majorstress, you do really need to seek professional help as soon as possible, for your sake and your daughters' sake.

I know various people on here have blamed your DH, but I personally think they are missing the point. You are someone who is prone to depression and has been for most of your life. Unless you find a way of sucessfully managing your depression, then you will never be happy. I know from experience that depression needs to be managed. It also sounds like your relationship needs a major overhaul and yes, your husband probably could be more helpful. But, you didn't enjoy your children when they were babies, you don't enjoy them now, you're not looking forward to the future, you don't like your husband, you don't like the people you work with, you haven't as far as I can see responded in an optimitistic manner to any of the offers to meet-up/suggestions, you don't see the point in doing things.... You are seeing the negative in everything, and I'm afraid - and I speak from experience - that isn't down to your DH, that's down to you. I know you are blaming your state of mind on the fact you had children, but you admitted you were depressed when you were even at school. To have not enjoyed/liked your children at ANY point during their childhood (with the strength of emotion you've expressed) is NOT "just a phase", as some people have suggested. God forbid a phase should last 5.5 years! Please, please seek help again. There is a way out, and I sincerely hope you find it.

And for the record, absolutely do children pick up on their parents' moods. It's a proven fact.

majorstress · 13/02/2006 09:12

Ok, you're right, I know I should try to seek professional help again. I don't really feel up to meeting people in person yet, who already are privy to all my "unacceptable" thoughts; I realised I need a degree of anonymity, because I have met with a very hostile response from my old friends and acquantances before when I admitted I felt depressed. I don't blame anyone else for my depression even DH, though I suppose it comes a) from my genes 2) from my parents who were often negative, mum had PND for 2 years after me, though they are ok now and never seemed as bad as me for such long stretches.

What I DO blame is the school hours and lack of "wrap-around provision"- dd1 was perfectly happy at nursery, as is dd2-which provided the right environment for the whole day from 7:30 to 4:30- but I cannot work properly with schools 9 to 3:30, and the afterschool club which is miles away, 2 days a week leaves me with a tired child who has not done her homework and has filled up on snacks, on top of my tired toddler and my own exhaustion from work and commuting with the toddler. DH is late to work those days too, as he drops DD1 with a neighbor at 8 but often doesn't get in by 9 as the Northern line is crap. We simply cannot do that 5 days a week.

batters · 13/02/2006 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Issymum · 13/02/2006 09:52

Majorstress: Even if the perfect 'wrap around' care were to be available, would you really stop feeling depressed? It seems to me that you are struggling with huge practical and emotional issues but that until you have got some help with ameliorating the emotional issues, it's going to be hard for you to find the resolve, energy or clear-sightedness to tackle the practical ones. It was a long time ago, but I was once suicidally depressed and there is no way at that time that I could have successfully found a way through the maze of parenting, working and relationships.

Please keep posting on Mumsnet, it's a great resource and the perfect place to say the 'unsayable. We will continue to support you. However, I think it was Cod who wisely said (in one of the rare moments that she wasn't too busy being Cod) that the danger with Mumsnet is that people looking for support can mistakenly substitute it for the professional, targetted, one-to-one help they need. Mumsnet is like a Greek Chorus. We can stand on the side-lines commenting, approving, supporting, criticising and chatting amongst ourselves, but we can never be part of the 'action' that moves the narrative forward.

majorstress · 13/02/2006 10:00

I was at my happiest when I had wrap-around care in place, that allowed me to work 8 to 4, 5 days a week. Even this is not enough for my employer, but I was keeping my head above water.

majorstress · 13/02/2006 10:03

Is it true that there is an oversupply of nannies? Maybe I should look at that again.

majorstress · 13/02/2006 10:08

I am not going to be able to devote any time to searching for my own care, or actually attending it, if I don't have more childcare in place! I cannot take any more time off work.

Issymum · 13/02/2006 10:13

I think there is something of an oversupply of nannies and it may be worth looking at that again, particularly if it freed you up to get the help you deserve with your depression.

How about a live-out, au-pair plus? Our wonderful Czech cleaner does that for another family - picks the children up from school, cooks a meal and cleans the house. But lives out. Perfect!

majorstress · 13/02/2006 10:20

That really would be perfect. I'll try to start that up again I guess.

TaiTai · 13/02/2006 10:29

Hi Majorstress,

Promise us you will make an appointment this week to see your GP about this? Just setting yourself three steps this week towards changing your situation will mean you are taking control and should make you feel a bit better. You could try, for example, 1. making a GP's appointment, 2. making a phonecall/doing a web search re childcare; and 3.having an hour or two to yourself (meditation class/gym/just going out by yourself at the weekend to have a coffee and read a book).

I completely understand you not wanting to meet MumsNetters at the moment. I also never thought you blamed your DH for your depression. But you do need to work on your relationship and from personal experience I would say that Relate is not the place. You need a psychologist/psychotherapist who does marriage counselling because they will have the knowledge and experience to deal with any childhood issues that might be contributing. A Relate counsellor is usually simply a counsellor and just does not have the training in my view to do this.

Tai Tai x

Enid · 13/02/2006 10:32

totally agree with tai tai

majorstress · 13/02/2006 11:48

I think the original thread which allows discussion of the balancing act is really helpful food for thought, and I apologise for letting my personal mood hijack it. will set up an depression thread to moan on instead, sometime.

the point I was trying to make, I guess, is that I had been through a lot to get my life in a balance that was right for ME, a unique individual like we all are, but the pressures from the school system, childcare provision, family, failing health and society in general have made my arrangements fail. I learnt a lot from my very expensive and time consuming counselling, especially that having a professional friend was very nice, but what I really want and need are some real friends- but between work and a family, I cannot make or maintain them or the old ones. I frequently take a couple of hours off, sometimes sulkily and sometimes self-righteously, (I can't just have time off guilt-free of course) whenever I can-but the difference between my work and my family is, I am willing to return at the end of my break to my work most of the time. I have no urge at all to return to my home, DH or kids. I personally think this would best be remedied by not being forced to spend so much time with them, rather than using up all my little free time and money, discussing them and my failures to have any friends or support with someone I have to pay to listen.

Enid · 13/02/2006 11:59

'the pressures from the school system, childcare provision, family, failing health and society in general have made my arrangements fail.'

rubbish. it is your depression making you feel like this. If you didn't mind spending time with your kids then none of the above would be a problem.

You dont need a 'professional friend' you need some proper help. It is a shame that you can't work full time as this would seem to be, on the surface of it, a solution to your problems.

majorstress · 13/02/2006 12:09

I genuinely don't like my kids. Is that not allowed, and must be pathological?

uwila · 13/02/2006 12:50

Majorstress,
I'm sorry, but I do feel that it is not normal to not like your kids. It is normal to get fed up with the work, the demands, the lack of sleep, the monotony of being home... but to genuinely not like them is not a good thing.

As others have said, please seek help. Or, possibly, tell your DH to F off, hire a nanny, and go back to work full time. Sorry, but you are not going to be happy until you stand up and demand that which you wanted but gave up because you were talked into it.

wishfulthinking · 13/02/2006 13:02

Is it that you resent rather than dislike? I work Mon-Thurs, 8-4.30; dd is at the c/m from 7.30 to 5.30 - some days later. That makes me feel guilty. DH leaves the house at 6.30am and arrives home 6pm. Friday's are for the 'other' unpaid job of being a mother and house wife...yipeee. On the one day I do have dd to myself I get aggitated that I just can't get on with things (washing, ironing etc)- guilty feeling again. I sometimes feel soooooo angry at 'my lot' in life I could run away and never come back. It doesn't help that our little one is a live wire (albeit delightful one) and an early riser. I have a massive streak of bitterness running through me and, although dd is getting older, I don't feel any less bitter. She will be an only one.....and that makes me feel guilty too.

Enid · 13/02/2006 13:04

no it is not allowed. Sorry.