Does anyone else find working when you've got kids REALLY hard?

[dollybird]

I have been back at work three days a week for two years now since my 2nd child was born, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope with juggling everything. This is partly as the job has changed from one I loved to one I put up with, but mostly because I find it such a nightmare getting the kids ready for nursery in the morning and when I pick them up in the evening they are so hyper and I am tired etc - I just hate it.Every week I wish I could give up work (can't afford to), but by Sunday I am usually glad of a break. Does it ever get any easier?

It is the fact that you are so 'accepting' of not liking your children that is worrying tbh. We do all go through phases of not liking our kids much but usually this evens itself out with lots of phases of loving them dearly - or feeling instinctively that it is not right to feel that way.

The fact that you have accepted your dislike of your children and decided instead to blame your dh, your work and your social structure IS pathological IMO

I wonder if it is actually just the opposite of what Enid says. Have you channelled your dislike and resentment for your DH to your DDs? You seems to defend him (more than he deserves). Making excuses for why it made sense for him to pursue his career whilst you sacrificed yours. ANd now you are very unhappy, yet still defending him, so possibly it is the anger that belongs with him that you have transferred into dislike for your DDs. I could be totally wrong. But youseem to easy on him and too harsh on the kids. Would you feel this way if you were going to work and he was at home?

Majorstress do you feel love for them? I had PND and didn't feel love for my dd until she was about 15 months. I now know i love her, but sometimes don't like her- esp when she's throwing a tantrum or hitting the dog! but i always know i love her. Is it the same for you? or do you feel nothing?
Do you not think deep down you may need some help?
Hope you're ok xx

Yeah i agree with Uwila and Enid, i think it's entirely possible that you blame them for your loss of freedom and not your husband, as your freedom wasn't in question before you had them.
Also it sounds like you may be feling like they ruined your "best freind" relationship with your husband?

Bloody hell, I'm agreeing with Uwila AGAIN

I'm rubbing off on you MI.

Whereabouts are you majorstress? I live in North London and my au pair is looking for a live out job. She is very good - I would recommend her.

She would have to be either on the 221 or 240 bus route, or the Northern line barnet branch.

Majorstress, I imagine that not liking your kids from time to time is normal. If it's a feeling that's always existed however, then I think you need to discuss that with a doctor/therapist because it would be very said if you got no or very little enjoyment from your children. I think the real question though is whether you love them.

I don't really agree with Uwila. She's focusing mainly on the husband again and to be honest, none of us can make fair judgments on a marriage without knowing both sides of the story (unless their is abuse). To me Majorstress does show some bitterness towards her husband -normal!- but also defends him; again normal, and a sign that all is not lost. What is being lost sight of here by certain contributors is that - and correct me if I'm wrong - Majorstress has NEVER liked her children, i.e. even when she was working full-time and before her husband suggested/forced (depending on your point of view) she go part-time. She also suffered from depression before and during her marriage pre-kids, and her husband stood by her enough through that for Majorstress to describe him as her best friend pre-kids. The marriage may be salvageable, it may not, but that is something Majorstress and her husband have to work out btw themselves, probably with professional help. Thinking that the solution to her problems however is getting rid of her DH and getting a nanny is naive in my view.

I think Majorstress is noticibly more negative today than she was when I met her (about a year ago). She was having problems with a live-in au-pair/nanny. She was ever so stressed out at the time. Then threw her back out, adding to the problems, demand s at work... and a few more issues. She was stressed out then (hence her screenname). But now she sounds just very unhappy... truly sad. As I have talked to her on mumsnet and on e-mail for some time now, I'm going to venture to say that this change to part time SAHM has not served her well.

(sorry to talk about you like you are not here, majorstress)

I do wish only the best for you. If there is anything I can do, I will of course do it. I hope I'm not being too hard on you (or your DH). I think that GOOD live-in help is what you need (not the nightmare you had last year).

I don't feel anything for any of them, tbh. I don't love or hate anyone, don't want to hurt them, or anyone else, but inside I just feel nothing much, except the occasional surge of irritation with the usual things that people find irritating when they live together. I think I felt sort of an intense baby-obsession (oh look she moved again) which was hormone-induced for the first year, but it wasn't really love and affection. Unfortunately it lasted long enough to start the roller-coaster again to get number 2 (lost one in middle). My interest then wore off much quicker, as I realised it was all more of the same only much heavier workload on me, and DH was not going to help as much, and doting grannies don't dote on 2nd one as they are also bored too. I try to suppress fantasies about living alone or having my own space, or even going on holiday on my own...though I'm sure some mums even normal ones have done that! I have to pretend to enjoy their company, and resent the obligation to do so much for them.

Work is a huge refuge from all that, no one expects me to love them, and I need to go do some!

thanks uwila. I think all I want to say is that I am living proof that not every woman naturally prefers family life to working, and some people actually need to work, I am trying to tell anyone else who feels the same or sometimes, that you aren't alone...I have a calling and the family I am in doesn't respect that, it's as simple as that.

So, why don't you go back to work full-time? Sounds like everyone will be happier. I realise your boss has allocated the funds to another worker now. But, can't you get another job?

Hi Majorstress,I have read some of this thread and feel for you.I wonder can I suggest getting a hobby for you for you to do to take your mind off your situation a bit.I get lost in my hobbies and find it relaxing and even share them with my children sometimes.It's a great stress releiver.I do different crafts and have been on courses.How about jewellery making.You can get books out of the library or craft shops even do courses on it.Card making is my favourite I even sell some in a local shop now.Have a look at the magazines on offer.You don't even have to be arty to do it.Hope you don't think I'm being too forward by suggesting something for you.You can find plenty of help in the arts and crafts section here.

Yes, going part-time has exacerbated the issue, but the issue was there to begin with - Majorstress's feeling of apathy towards her family - and it's that that needs to be addressed. You say Majorstress, that your family don't respect your calling; I assume you're talking about your husband and two girls. Yes, your husband might not, but you can't attribute any feelings towards your girls as they are little children! I'm sure if they were asked they would prefer to have you home, but isn't that what we want our children to say, for them to need and love us?

Anyway, there's been a lot of talk about the cause of your unhappiness. What I think you should focus on now is what steps you're going to do to change you situation, and I'm interested to know what those steps might be?

One other point - someone mentioned that those who work full time can afford a cleaner/ironing lady etc, but I would actually be worse off if I worked any more (am worse off working three days than two, but can't get the job done in two and virtually no career prospects) as I don't earn as much in a day (after tax) as it costs to put two children in nursery, and my salary's quite good!

Majorstress, have you tried having a childminder to pick up your dd1 from school? We have arranged for one to take and pick up ds from school when he starts in Sept and fingers crossed it will work out. We are lucky though, as she lives over the road, plus dh is swapping his stay at home Mondays to come home at 4 Mon/Tue/Wed & dd will go to nursery an extra day. No better off for another year!

I do think that having good childcare makes a huge huge difference, expecially for those of us who chose/need for personal reasons to go to work. There is nothing like guilt for poisoning relationships, and nothing like feeling desperately tired and stretched to make everything appear awful. That I have always had someone to care for my children who has a) appeared to really enjoy caring for them; b) has been completely reliable; and c) that the children have obviously enjoyed being with has meant that except for the occasional pang of "bad mother" guilt I have never felt that I have put my needs before then, although in some ways I guess I have. If I had stayed at home, or even tried the part-time compromise (which I do think for many is the worst of all worlds) I think we would have all been miserable. As it is I think I am incredible lucky in having two lovely children who actually profess a desire to spend more time with me! I think that anything that majorstress can do to make her childcare less stressful all round (for her dd's as well as herself) would make a big difference. The transition from nursery to school is really tough, especially when you have one at each, and if it costs a bit more to get you through this, then I think it well worth it. I wish you every luck majorstress, and please please believe me it will get easier!

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but .... I think sometimes that being a parent is just synonymous with feeling guilty - guilty if you work part-time, full-time or are a SAHM - I find it a nightmare that people continue to give their opinion about what you do - "Oh off to work for a rest" "Oh aren't you good...." etc etc . I am trying my absolute hardest to ignore all this and just try to be in the moment (whichever moment that is) so I can enjoy what I do. I am lucky in that Ilove my job, and love my family and have kind of got it balanced out.I also have a theory that every 6 weeks, when there's not much "news" the papers run an article about kids being damaged by going to nurseries too young....in fact there's one in the Mail today....next week there'll be another article saying kids at nurseries are more sociable that ones that stay at home with mum/dad....Let's try not to be wound up and enjoy this minute, right now...

I think you are all, in the nicest possible way, missing the point here.

Interested to hear what steps Majorstress is going to be taking to address her depression as tai tai says....

What am I going to do? Well my plans have been disrupted somewhat by DH coming home slightly early with a severe headache (v unusual), then MIL phoning from Ireland at 6 pm to say dd1 age 5 has had a headache, that ended up with her being taken to GP then hospital for observation and dosing with calpol, which seemed a bit beyond granny (I think she is losing it), then being okayed and sent home to arrive at 11:30 pm. I concluded that had I been with her, she would have been dosed up with Calpol at the first complaint, and Neurofen if Calpol didn't work, (and then straight to hospital if that failed) and it would have been clear that she did not need a visit to hospital. So much for a nice half-term break for her, and Gran! but she is fine now. So I guess the "relatives solution" is really coming to an end for us.

The next 3 days I have to look after dd2, so I won't be seeing any professional person, unless it is a policeman because I have killed her, or DH. that was a joke, btw. DH will either be still sick or working like a dog to make up for being off sick yesterday and today. If I say anything at all he will get sicker, I know from experience, so I will try to keep things on an even keel so he will feel up to babysitting this evening while I go to my 2nd ever meditation class. MAJOR breakthrough, going out to do something I WANT to do, for me.

Also I have decided to line up a string of potential babysitters, and go out more in the evenings after doing my penance OOPS having a lovely few hours with my charming dds. You need to understand that it has taken very long for the penny to drop that DH is not going to help significantly in our household in the evenings anymore, and cannot be relied upon to come home in time for me to have an outing. I have interviewed a babysitter/housekeeper who seemed nice and once I get her refs she is probably hired, though she is only available on Mondays. It is now clear that I am physically incapable of doing many things I used to and that is permanent since it is a year since my major spinal surgery. I am not bloody cleaning with what little strength I have left. So working on LIVING IN THE MOMENT is the order of the day for me too wsywig. nooka I think what got me into the mess really was one person at work who has had a brilliant au pair who she pays nothing, for SEVEN YEARS, (and both kids in school)! I found out the hard way that this is exceptional, and had the bad luck to get nanny burnout (where you can't bear the thought of the creatures in your house) from several bad experiences in a row.

wysiwig is that your philosophy? have you always tried to be like that?

majorstress, I really hope you find some extra help. It makes a huge difference. It sounds as though you have done the "live-in" route and it wasn't for you. I would probably be in a similar state to you without my aupair. As a single, part-time wohm, I find the extra pair of hands invaluable. She babysits 2/3 nights per week and is around for the grim bedtime period and she actually helps. My aupairs have been 1,000 times better than my ex-H because they are not trying to get out of helping, they are actually useful. I can honestly say they have transformed my life. However, I always interview first. I snaffle up the ones who are already over here and are unhappy with their families, so that I can check them out first.
Not really sure why I am rabbiting on about what has worked for me, when it sounds like you don't want to try aupairs again.
Anyhow, whatever you sort out, you have my sympathy as I know how it feels when you see spending time with your children as penance. I've been there.

not read any of the thread but currently finding not working and being at home such hard work, esp now it's half-term. 5 yrs on, still not over the guilt thing (clearly, it's for life!) and never know which combination works best for us all, delayed going back to work till the summer and not yet sure whether to return at all or not... Mat leave for me sometimes feels like the twilight zone and at others times (rare moment in the day, sandwiched between the daily drudgery) can be pure bliss...

policeman joke in really bad taste, majorstress.