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Original poster

Does anyone else find working when you've got kids REALLY hard?

186 replies

dollybird · 06/02/2006 21:32

I have been back at work three days a week for two years now since my 2nd child was born, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope with juggling everything. This is partly as the job has changed from one I loved to one I put up with, but mostly because I find it such a nightmare getting the kids ready for nursery in the morning and when I pick them up in the evening they are so hyper and I am tired etc - I just hate it.Every week I wish I could give up work (can't afford to), but by Sunday I am usually glad of a break. Does it ever get any easier?

OP posts:
uwila · 08/02/2006 14:08

OMG, MI. You are the second person to say that to me today. I'm definitely spending way too much time on MN... but I can't seem to help myself.

uwila · 08/02/2006 14:10

I think we need a majorstress meet-up where we can all go out and cheer her up... and her DH can arrange to go home and look after his children.

North London, anyone?

Marina · 08/02/2006 14:11

MI were discussing this very idea just now Uwila. Meet-ups = sanity savers.

Marina · 08/02/2006 14:11

MI and I...

majorstress · 08/02/2006 14:12

Well I gave in to him, because he said please. I guess all that brainwashing of the kids to use and respond to the Magic Word has worked on me at least. But really I thought I would get to like being a mommy if I had a bit more time to myself-the problem is that this time consists of 2.5 hours 2 mornings a week, which is not enough time, or the right time of day, to do anything worthwhile that I actually WANT to do.

Last night I announced that I was going out to a meditation class (£5), and got the ironing lady to mind the kids for the first time, in the time between having to leave to get there on time, and him getting home(£14 and she did the ironing after they went to bed). They like her, it went well, and I enjoyed the class very much. But this morning I said I wanted to do it again, and he started talking about saving money. And it is true, every time I try to do anything, except sit around being depressed, it costs. Now I hate him, and couldn't care less if he gets a promotion, or dies of a heart attack.

uwila · 08/02/2006 14:13

Oh God, I haven't agreed with her again?

Enid · 08/02/2006 14:14

Tell him to get stuffed and carry on doing it. Does he not care that you are depressed?

Enid · 08/02/2006 14:14

can you not speak to your boss and renegotiate your contract to 4 days a week (giving you a day to yourself?)

motherinferior · 08/02/2006 14:16

Sorry, Uwila

Majorstress, your husband sounds curiously reminiscent of my father. I think there is some rather controlling stuff going on here. Why the f*ck can't he save on gym membership/time and come back at a civilised hour for once? It's going to cost a lot more if you walk out, after all.

uwila · 08/02/2006 14:22

Oh yes. (Warning: going to agree with MI again) Buy him a pair of trainers and cancel the gym membership... or perhaps he could make himself a low fat lunch before he leaves. Then he won't have to go to the gym to avoid a heart attack.

Speaking of careers, this mumsnet stuff is really bad for mine!

foxinsocks · 08/02/2006 14:22

Tell the ironing lady you want her every Tuesday and make sure you book your meditation class for the next month or so.

Everyone (working or not) needs time to do something for themselves and it sounds like you really enjoyed it (and let's face it, meditation is fantastic for stress relieving aswell!).

Honestly majorstress, it sounds like the problem is not with you at all but with him. I'm sure his gym membership and drinks/socialising at work cost far more than you ever spend on yourself. I also think that any sane woman married to a man with an attitude like that would either be heading for depression or heading for the hills.

edam · 08/02/2006 14:24

MI's dead right that your dh is the problem here. No wonder you are unhappy. Depression is directly linked to powerlessness - and you are being forced to do things you don't want to do (and not allowed to do things you don't want to do).

Think it's time for a major renegotiation of roles and responsibilities with dh. Also, can you look for another job? You don't have to stay with the same employer...

littlemissbossy · 08/02/2006 14:29

Yes I too find it hard to go out to work and still have a life -however my boys are all of school age. But I still find it difficult to juggle work with the endless cleaning, cooking and the trips to swimming, scouts, etc. The key is to be organised. I actually have a schedule/rota system - sad I know but it's the only way I can fit everything in that needs doing. I've also employed the services of a good ironing lady who comes round once a week and clears the lot - she's a god send!
I work part time and for me the hardest thing was getting to grips with the fact that after being a SAHM I now only have a job rather than a career.

majorstress · 08/02/2006 14:30

My boss can't increase my contract because his salary grants are now committed to another person for 2 years. It's academia. He tried to get someone junior to help me for several years before this, with no success, but my reduction gave him some extra money which he could put together with what he DID have in order to get the new person for a 2 year contract. Also I only negotiated to go down in mid-Sept, I'm on thin ice if I keep yo-yoing. It doesn't look very intelligent or professional.

I think my DH does care that I am depressed, he keeps reading articles about it. But he has known me for over 20 years and I have always had this tendency. I have learnt to deal with it most of the time and keep on trying new things, for example the class, but I imagine it seems insufficient. Why should he spend the rest of his life with a depressed person? I wouldn't. He's got the children he always wanted now, all he needs is a cheerful healthy energetic nanny and housekeeper, which I am not. He says I was always complaining about my job, until I basically lost it which is what PT is to me-worse than no job at all, but I am too scared to give it up as it is the only thing that keeps me going.

motherinferior · 08/02/2006 14:33

A couple of other things that help with depression are exercise, and friendship networks. I am quite serious in suggesting that he passes the gym membership on to you (if you like gyms, that is, obviously). And you need time to see people (ahem, don't we all).

Does he realise how you feel, and that it's not just a PMT hissy-fit? Blokes frequently don't, I find.

foxinsocks · 08/02/2006 14:35

majorstress, your self-esteem sounds very low. If he has been with you for 20 years through other bad depression patches, then he's probably seen it all before. Have you thought about trying different medication? I don't know how recently you've been to the GP but they develop newer, more effective antidepressants all the time.

Have you had any time away (with dh) without the children - just a weekend or something?

uwila · 08/02/2006 14:38

Are there some areas wher your DH could cut costs? Does he make his lunch or buy it? DOes he go out with work buddies? Does he have hobbies that could be cut?

motherinferior · 08/02/2006 14:39

(Like the gym?)

majorstress · 08/02/2006 14:46

MI, that controlling comment-that was something that came out in my counselling years ago, that I liked Dh's mum or at least get on with her (but I am very diffident anyway and most people get on with me IYSWIM). But the counsellor found it a bit telling that in their 30s and 40s none of his 3 sibs were married or settled in any way, and either seemed very anti-family, or tightly tied to the apron strings. She pointed out that there was something odd about that, much odder in fact than MY family, who come in for endless stick from DH. Since then one sib has married in his late 40's to someone too old to have kids. DH is very controlling but until recently I could withstand much of it-because I had my own life separate from his do you think?
Now that is being eroded, and meanwhile he is turning into his mother-subtly controlling and down-putting, with unattainable standards. HE hated the au pair being in the house, and talked me into getting a live-out nanny, then threw a wobbly about the cost (which I researched and made clear beforehand). More justifiably, when the nice one left after only 4 months (for genuine reasons), and my inability to find someone affordable and acceptable after that clinched it with him and the kids-no more wierd outsider people will be countenanced in our home!!!!. He also hates it when I let the neighbor's kids in to play (they are a pain sometimes true).

Sparklemagic · 08/02/2006 14:57

He DOES sound very controlling. Might just be worth pursuing some couselling with the aim in mind of getting some strategies for you to be able to resist some of this control, and to be able to impose some of your own needs on the agenda.

Would you consider looking for another, full-time job? Would get you out of the part time situation sooner than two years time?!

majorstress · 08/02/2006 14:58

We have an expensive family membership of the gym, I was supposed to go this morning but in the 2.5 hour window I had a sick headache that wouldn't shift with painkillers, and couldn't face it. I know exercise should help my depression as well as my other health, and I manage to go occasionally, but it isn't a proper habit yet. Now I can't go again until the window of opportunity comes again, on Friday. Last week dd2 got vomiting bug so I didn't get any time off, and he was away. I think mainly just several downers are happening at the same time and I am finding it hard to pick myself up yet again. The meditaion class is nice because I don't have to sign up in advance, just turn up, and the people were nice and interesting, no hippies, all ages from 12 to over 70 and both sexes, and a kind nice young convincing leader. I've never tried that before (I do use tapes now and again), but it should help me actually make it to have an "appointment", and it is especially nice that I don't have to pay in advance then miss half the classes to clear up vomit or sit in a traffic jam, which is entirely predictable. I guess I need an appointment for exercise too, like a class or a personal trainer, butI think the trainier will be too dear.

uwila · 08/02/2006 15:00

Oh no, Majorstress. So much more has come to light in this thread. You must do something. You really can't go on like this. You of course have my support on anything you choose. But, I must say in all honesty, that if my H acted like yours I would collect my kids and say "good bye". I simply couldn't hold on as long as you have. It really is time for DH to put you before his career.

I think your best way forward is a live-in nanny and a full time job. I know you had a bad experience but you can find good afordable live-in nannies, especially now that your kids aren't babies anymore.

To be totally honest, my DH isn't thrilled about sharing his house, but I've said I can't do it any other way. And he said okay. When he wants to take on the burden of organising the childcare then he can choose it. But so long as I am thonly one to live there most of the week, I need the childcare to suit my schedule.

motherinferior · 08/02/2006 15:01

A class would be nice, because you would be doing something with other people.

I don't like the sound of your isolation. Or, come to that, your children's - we're starting to get into Playdate Zone, and they need to know they can have mates round!

majorstress · 08/02/2006 15:08

I've idly considered trying to find another job, but ATM feel I haven't got time/energy to search-the theory was that we would have some stability for a while.

A few months ago I kept trying to arrange to go out with him, in fact even when we had the AP. We went out once to a restaurant, but only because we had to go to the teacher-parent evening first and missed the evening meal. It's gradually dawned on me that he doesn't want to go out with me. He gets to eat out all the time with interesting academics. All we have to say to each other is about hassles and problems. He won't stay out long enough to go to a film or play as we don't have a suitable babysitter who would stay that long, and it is so expensive. He's rather stay at home with the kids. And if I am there to babysit, some nights he may as well get his exercise chore done, or some extra work on the PC. I am almost always too tired to go out anyway.

uwila · 08/02/2006 15:14

Oh F*ing Hell. I'm sorry, but he's selfish. Come out with me. Are you free 03 March? Surely he can come home in a timely manner on a Friday.