Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Just tell him no.

And if he doesn't like it:, he'll have to leave.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

There are women on here who can help and offer support. Look for the Trans Widows threads.

You do not have to be supportive. You do not have to be or do anything you are not comfortable with.

I’m so sorry
this would be a deal breaker and marriage finisher
no human being can change sex
your kids may well be horrified and upset
I would not be agreeing to any of it and would be looking to separate immediately
he can be his ”authentic self” on his own

He’s abusive to make you agree to be supportive
you don’t have to be

Well if he won’t leave the house then can you sell and go your separate ways? I know this isn’t always financially do-able so just an idea. Can he rent somewhere?

He doesn’t get to just flip your life upside down and carry on with his as he pleases. If this is what he wants then he needs to find somewhere else to live because you want a husband who acts like one not one with a fetish for dressing up as a woman.

Your poor sons, I hope they’re ok after he tells them.

Nope. He can’t have his cake and eat it. How dare he expect you to just change your life like this. Cheeky fucker. Are the kids at school ? How embarrassing for them.

Let him go and move on with your life. This will only end in disaster and trauma for you and your children if you even consider entertaining him and his delusions.

I’d be filing for divorce, today, and seeing a decent lawyer on Monday. But I wouldn’t have tolerated the cross dressing in the first place. That’s presumably why he thinks he can push on and you’ll just go along with this development and you’ll suddenly consider yourself a lesbian or something. You absolutely don’t have to support him when he tells your kids, I’d be clear in advance that you won’t. And I’d be clear with them that they’re not obliged to consider him a woman or call him mum or whatever he’s hoping or expecting. I’m so very sorry for you and your children.

Do not let the children be told until you and him have received guidance on how to handle the emotions with your sons.

Teen boys often go through a stage of identifying with their male role model and this will now be dad, dressed as a woman, confusing as hell.

It's selfish that he wants to enact this without assessing impact on those around him.

Separately get a clear view of the finances, get legal advise but also would his career be impacted by his new identify?

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope your DC are older teens.

I'd divorce. You know no one can change sex. Hes got a ferish and that's fine but now he wants to live it and make you and your DC characters in his fantasy pretending he's a woman. That's abusive and damaging.

Thank you. I feel quite conflicted and have nowhere to go and cannot do that to my children yet. I think a civilised route will happen but how does it work financially? I don’t think he’s screw me properly but has a lot of pensions. I stopped work to be the SAHP but am fine for pensions. I think I can accept some things but not all of it. So sad it’s come to this. He says he feels the sane and is still the sane person when I try to discuss my feelings. He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.
I am a strong, kind person but this is beyond my capabilities I think. Thank you for comments and support.

I'd be so very angry at him for this. If your not comfortable then you need to say so tbh, if you don't your gonna get more and more resentful

I would absolutely leave him this would be a deal breaker for me. I very much doubt he actually wants to be a woman, he has a fetish about dressing up as a woman. I'd be furious him trying to bring his kinks to my children to accept 🤢🤢🤢

There is a documentary linked here which might be worth watching.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5502035-we-had-no-support-anywhere-so-i-created-trans-widows-voices-the-story-of-tinsel-btlg

He’s staying as himself for work and for the next few months at least but wants the freedom. The comments are using the language I’ve been grappling for. I don’t support the trans hate but don’t want it to be a part of my life.

This, stop the pandering and id initiate divorce

If he is no longer the man you married, you have every right to tell him he can no longer be your husband. He cannot force or shame you into accepting who he now says he is.

I don’t think he’s screw me properly but has a lot of pensions.

Please think again. This is a dangerous way approach, as many, many women who have been through a divorce will tell you; whatever the man says at the beginning, it often bears no resemblance to what they do in the end, by which time you might not even recognise them. Nothing to do with cross-dressing/trans - just being male and wanting to leave/alter the marriage to fulfil their desires.

You don't have to agree. You can't stop him but you don't have to continue any sort of relationship with him and your children can decide for themselves what sort of contact they want to have.

Protect yourself as much as possible. It's very, very likely that this will follow the usual script so don't make any assumptions about how much he might screw you financially - it's not uncommon for these men to spend family money on their hobby and once the dam is breached this may include hormones and surgery etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.

You dont have to hate trans people to not want to be married to one. I say live and let life. I wouldnt want to be married to him/ her. You married a man. You didn't marry a woman. You want to have sex with a man. You dont want a lesbian relationship or a sexless relationship. He is still the same person but you are allowed to have boundaries and limits. You are allowed to have the type of relationship you want with a person of the gender you are attracted to. His wants/ needs dont outweigh yours.

That would be a deal breaker for me, good for him living his true life etc but that has consequences. I imagine most teenage boys would be embarrassed and mortified by this revelation, he should consider them. That's great you've been supportive until now, your support can't be demanded and it's reasonable that it has a limit.
It would be reasonable to ask him to leave, I would tell him you don't support him or his decision to tell your sons. Good luck. You have my empathy, I hope you maintain reasonable family relations and not too much heartbreak.

I’m so sorry OP, I would consult a solicitor about the financial situation, I doubt it will work living in the same house. Second suggestion of the Trans Widows threads here, it’s a really supportive community.

From your posts, it's clear that your husband is controlling the narrative. This isn't a partnership. You're increasingly a side-part to a role play imho.

I'm really sorry.

Putting aside the fact that of course he is not a woman - that's a bigger, exisstential issue that I'm sure you (and he) are not in a position to deal with right now,

I'd be pointing out to him that if he believes he's a woman, that also means he believes he's a gay woman, and that so are you. But you are NOT a gay woman, you are a straight woman, and you have no desire to be married to a woman - whether or not that person just thinks they are a woman or really are a woman.

And then you will need to start initiating divorce proceedings. I don't think there's a middle ground, particularly as you say he will not leave the house.

Re the children, my view would be that you don't have to be fully supportive. You can say that their father's changed view of himself is something that is up to him. You wish him well and you hope (and believe?) he will continue to be a kind and loving parent to them, but that for yourself, you will have to make decisions that reflect how YOU see YOURSELF.

Basically, I think that before eyou tell the chilren, you and your H need to be very clear that your relationship is over so that when you speak with your children, anything you say is about being accepting of your H on HIS journey, while you will continue on your own, without him.

It doesn’t have to part of your life. I’m assuming you’re a hetrosexual women who wouldn’t choose to have a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. You don’t have to.

Your husband/wife? has said what he/she is going to do and now you need to take some time to decide. I would ask him not to tell your sons while you are still considering your options so you can give your sons the answers about what this will mean for your family.