Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Also listen to the podcasts on transwidows. Quite a few started off being supportive until they were broken by their partner.

In all honesty op, the writing was on the wall. In ten foot high letters.

You accepted his fetish, and as with all sexual fetishes, he has to push it further and further to get the same kicks out of it over time.

And now he wants to involve your children in it.

Barring a time travelling option where you make sure the father of your children isn't sexually maladaptive, the best you can do now is leave.

It will only get worse.

Prepare for the boyfriend to arrive as soon as the thrill of telling everyone around him fades off.

I’d be going through every scrap of paperwork about his pensions, salary, savings, house ownership, mortgage etc and photocopy them all if you can. Then I’d go and see a solicitor. Park all the emotional stuff for a while and get all the financial and legal stuff sorted. You have to look after yourself and children first and sadly modern life revolves around money.

Sorry to be blunt, but I would immediately go and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. He may very easily have been "having his cake and eating it" with other men. As part of his fetish/fantasy.

Oh and certainly leave him, do whatever it takes. Tell him he cannot tell the boys until you've sought professional guidance on how to break it to them, without him trying to whitewash reality and fuck them up mentally. I'm sorry he's shit OP 💐

@Swampdweller Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked

Yes you should be supportive, supportive that this is his choice, and that is OK for him to make. BUT / AND he should also be supportive while you also explain to your dc that you as a straight woman fell in love with and married a straight man, and have lived as a straight woman with a straight man, with his quirks, for x years. And that therefore his decision has emotional consequences for you and logistical consequences for your marriage / how you live your life.

You deserve that for yourself.

Your dc will be in a maelstrom of shock, but it was not your decision to bring this into their lives.

And, not for your dc who will be dealing with this in reality, but I do think these whole consequential emotions also need to be aired and talked about. It's fine for people to be cool with whatever LBGTQIA+ approches and lives people live, but none of them come without the emotional consequences of being in ANY relationship.

Your dh, does not get to escape this.

Get your financial ducks in a row, get a good solicitor and divorce the selfish, delusional dickhead. He is not the man you married and you don't have to put up with his bullshit.
You and your sons deserve better.

He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.

What a selfish, manipulative bastard. He is deluded.

I am so so sorry.

He has chosen to change what your ‘normal’ is. He’s had the balls to come out to you, so he should have the balls to leave the marriage and go and fuck off to live his “authentic self”.

Please tell him he needs to leave.

Do not allow him to gaslight or manipulate you into doing anything.

You don't have to be supportive in the slightest OP. For your husband to demand you accept and support his decision, is utterly selfish and delusional.

You are presumably hetrosexual and signed up to a relationship and marriage to a hetrosexual man. You aren't gay, and therefore don't want to be in a relationship and married to a woman. He's welcome to continue down the path he wishes, but you won't be joining him on that journey. Wish him well, seek legal advice from a solicitor and file for divorce.

I don't know if there are any charities out there who could advise you on the best way to tell your teenage sons. Someone else may be able to advise. Telling your son's needs to be done extremely carefully. I'd imagine they will be confused more than anything else, but there's no guarantee they'll be accepting of it. Teenage years can be difficult as it is, without throwing an emotional curve ball at them as well. You will need to advise the school, as the news is likely to have an impact emotionally but it could behaviour wise too.

Just tell him no. You are in a relationship with a straight man. If he wants to be something else then it’s divorce.

"You are presumably hetrosexual and signed up to a relationship and marriage to a hetrosexual man. You aren't gay, and therefore don't want to be in a relationship and married to a woman."

This. Also, if he identifies as a heterosexual woman it doesn't work by any reasoning.

There is a version of transgenderism that is basically indistinguishable from narcissism in how the behaviours affect other relationships in the person's lives. I suspect your husband might have this version. It is literally all about them and there is no one else in the room, country or planet who matters to them only their feelings and needs.

Whether they are actual narcissists or this is just the transgenderism actually matters very little if you are at the end of the behaviours.

Your ‘husband’ is about to start a catastrophic cascade of events and use you as a prop for as long as it suits his ends before discarding you.

You are a mother who has the right to safety in your home and your children need safeguarding. If he declared he felt like a cat and started having whiskers tattooed on his face while dressing in cat costumes you wouldn’t try to accommodate it. This is a fetish like any other and the fact it is now escalating means he is moving to full blown autogyenophilia.

Get advice from a lawyer. He won’t get to keep the house. You will be entitled to support and you will make a way through.

He wants you as a prop or sees you as a skin to wear.

You are a human worthy of respect and dignity - preserve yourself and your children.

You don't have to do anything, tell him this isn't the life you want to live/lead and that's that. Wish him well and tell him to go.

He doesn't get to force you to live in his fantasy land in any way shape or form.

OP, I think that the best thing by far would be to make an appointment to see a solicitor next week, to discuss beginning divorce proceedings.

Try to start a list of all of the assets within the marriage, from property and vehicles to savings, investments and pensions.

It's a very difficult situation, but I wonder whether, ultimately, the way forward will be for him to have a flat/small house of his own not far from you and the children. You might eventually move to another house with your children, but still locally.

I think that he is asking too much to continue as things are; in his own flat, he can be the person he wants to be.

See a solicitor next week.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

He's changed the rules of your marriage. You are under no obligation to agree with those rules. You are perfectly entitled to tell him that you aren't agreeing and that the marriage is over. I would not agree to it. I married a man, because I'm heterosexual. I don't want to be with a man who thinks he's woman, or a woman who thinks she's a man. That's a line in the sand for me.
Decide for yourself. If it gives you the ick, act on it.

And say he proceeds with telling the boys, the Op divorces him, he will move out and live as a trans person and his boys will have to accept it.

his boys don't have to accept anything - they can't be forced to be part of his game.

But he’s not the same person.

He wants to be a woman, fine. But you are not a lesbian, are not attracted to women, and don’t want to be married to one. Therefore the marriage has ended through his actions, not yours.

If he wants to live like a woman he can. But you married a man so there is no need for you to support him in this venture imho.

So many posts telling the OP she didn’t sign up to a lesbian relationship. A relationship between a man and a woman is not a lesbian relationship and never will be, no matter how the man identifies.

This.

OP what a damned cheek. This is coercive and gaslighting behaviour.

You are under no obligation to agree to this batsshit existence and even less so to agree for the inevitable distresss, embarrassment and trauma this will be bringing to your young sons. Under no circumstances allow him to tell them this tomorrow, they will need specialist support in place prior to this ludicrous bombshell your DH intends to indulge himself in.

Personally I woulld take both comes out this evening and book the 3 of you into an hotel, then message your DH he needs to vacate your home by the time you return.

You need some urgent legal advice and should stay put in the marital home with your children as this iss not your choice, it's an infliction your DH has deluded himself into thinking you ought to play along with.

Just no, protect yourself and your boys pleas. best of luck to you x

He won't take the drugs, we used to call men like this transvestites . They just wanted the look.

Many many years ago, when I was at school learning French, Latin and German, there were 3 genders. Masculine, Feminine and Neuter.
I think you need to tell him he is now a neuter.
DNA-wise he will always be masculine.
He also sounds extremely controlling.
Go and see a good solicitor, get an outline of how things will look financially. Present this to him.
I am so sorry for your children and cannot offer any advice there, other than to ensure you (and he) communicate honestly with them. I think it is also quite right that you express your feelings to them about this turn of events.