Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Hi OP what is his rationale for staying as himself for work for the next few months? Surely if he wants to live as a woman he needs to up front to himself and his employer not leading a dual life?

It's not the marriage you signed up for you need to divorce.

why would you stay? For him to come and go as he wished, dress like woman and hurt emotionally his sons and all this for the house and lack of spare room?
I would take a one bed flat and sleep in the living room or the boys can have it and I will take the bedroom but finish my sons education and move on with my own life

this man is already a stranger to you. You don't separate a family and eat a cake without proper dividing that cake

Sorry I have to disagree with this! Whenever i use DH’s deodorant I find my armpits streaming with sweat. I do much prefer men’s razors though.

I think people are saying that as somthing she can say to him so that he can't twist it around on her tbh, OP knows he isn't a woman but he is saying he is, so if OP says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman as she isn't a lesbian....he doesn't really have a leg to stand on does he

"I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question"

Have you told him that straight up? It's no good tiptoeing around it. It sounds like he is not fully committed to it just yet and you don't want to separate, so, you need to be completely honest and blunt with him. Tell him the marriage will be over if he goes through with this and that you won't see him the same way.

It's so often in exam season that the need appears to tell kids, I don't know why.

OP you are as entitled to happiness as he is, and to not do anything you do not want to. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

@Swampdweller

1-See a solicitor ASAP regarding any financial concerns and a possible separation and/or divorce. It doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. You're just getting educated on the possibilities so you are prepared in the event 'something' happens. And keep those options open. What you or he decide today may need to be changed tomorrow.

2-If he gets to be his 'authentic self' so do you!!! And that means you don't have to agree to support jack shit. You get to have and voice your own feelings and opinions about his decisions. And you can make it clear to him that you will not be 'supportive' in any discussions with your sons. If he doesn't like it, tough shit. You don't like his 'need' to involve them, either.

3-But in the event that he does insist on telling your sons, well, you can't really stop him. Be guided by your sons' reactions. They are teens and most likely already have opinions about trans-people. If they appear accepting then I'd probably remain silent for the time being but if asked how I felt I wouldn't lie. And if they react negatively I'd let them know their reactions are normal and that you share their feelings.

4-I agree with a PP, you must spell out in frank terms that sex of any kind will not happen and that it is not open for discussion or 'importuning'. To tell you the truth, if there is not a spare room for him to move into then I'd be ordering twin beds. Barring that, I'd find a woodworker to craft a bundling board.

Good luck.

What have I just read? No you don’t need to support your ex in ‘becoming a Woman.’ Find your anger as he doesn’t give a shit about you

This is what I don’t understand , if he wants to be his authentic self why doesn’t he go to work as a woman?
He is a selfish twat who really doesn’t care about the OP’s feelings . he is just pushing the boundaries .
Op continues to give and he continues to take
I agree with others, I would tell him that he is free to live his life as a woman but you are straight and not attracted to women

He's decided to change, so let him off. He cannot expect you to he a part of this.

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this

Unfortunately, what he’s told you is likely to be the tip of the iceberg. Many men start hormones/transition in secret before telling their partners

You have to decide what is best for your relationship, but honestly, why put yourself and your kids through this. It’s not transphobic to want the relationship you originally signed up for. First time ever saying this, but LTB

I was thinking that!

It’s not trans hate, it’s love and support for the women who also don’t want it in their lives.

What he wants is completely incompatible with what you want. It would require you to dismantle so many of your personal boundaries so he can trample all over them. You don’t have to agree to this just because it’s what he wants. I would strongly advise you to look at the Trans Widow threads and see how quickly a previously kind and decent husband can turn into a devious and vicious person, intent on humiliating you at every turn. Please don’t trust him to remain the man you married; he is not your friend. And what a time to tell your sons. He’s not putting their welfare before his wants, is he? Even though he’s able to delay a while when it suits him.

Well if he wants the freedom to live as a woman, he has to accept the consequences of you not wanting to live with a woman.
I have trans friends, and am a supportive trans ally. Not wanting to be married to a trans woman doesn't make you transphobic. It's perfectly OK for you to have your own feelings and emotions around this. Your husband has made choices - his original choice to marry a woman without fully disclosing his issues with his own gender, and now his choice to embrace his real gender identity. You are allowed to make choices too.

So so sorry. He's a selfish prick with an insatiable sexual perversion (look up autogynephilia). And he's swallowed the "born in the wrong body" garbage: he needs robust therapeutic help, not long fingernails.

Find the Transwidows threads here - lots of support.

Basically, you married a heterosexual man. He is this no longer. You are within your rights to divorce him and really truly, keep an eye out for any kind of coercive control he ties to exert: it's now a crime.

It's really interesting how MASCULINE most of these middle-aged AGP men who think they're women are. They have no idea about growing up as a girl or socialisation into femininity and womanhood. No idea at all.

He is NOT the same person if he is asking you to treat him differently. He's expecting you to change your behaviour to him.

His demands and expectations are unreasonable if they are not mutual. You did not have any warning of this, and he IMMEDIATELY wants to spring this on your children in order to set you up as The Bad Guy if you don't.

It is ALL on his terms. You are just a support human.

If you are not happy with this, its ok to say no. You are not a bad person for doing this. You are allowed to if you are not comfortable with it.

If you read the transwidows threads they are enlightening. They talk of escalating behaviour and huge amounts of money being prioritised on transition as it becomes an obsession and all consuming to the exclusion of other things and other people. They are worth reading for an insight of the patterns of what women experience. They are not sugar coated.

This does not need to be about broader political arguments. It doesn’t even matter that he has made this particular declaration. All that matters is that he is trying to unilaterally change the parameters of your marriage.

first, you mentioned a “larger” spare room. If you have a room that can hold a small bed, that is now his room.

second, if you want a divorce, fair is at least half of everything. The pensions he has been accumulating are marital assets. It doesn’t matter if you also have a pension. If his pension is larger, he has to split it or pay you to keep it. Fair is thinking about your own future. If you proceed with a split, don’t just walk away from what the two of you built. You have to think of splitting your assets as dissolving a business.

third, sadly you can’t stop him from airing this to the children. Telling them he plans to dress differently isn’t the problem. If he had any decency, he would move out while the two of you deal with the next few months. He doesn’t need to hide himself from his family, but he should be shielding them from the marital strife he is creating.

Since he doesn't own you he doesn't get to dictate what you do with your own life. Telling the children this soon is downright cruel.

Get thee to a solicitor and get to grips with what divorce looks like. What you can expect in terms of assets from the marriage
You don't say how old your sons are, 16/18 is very different from 13 for example.
Either way you need a plan as to how you move on.

I would be devastated too. I’d tell him that if this is the case then he can choose to live as he pleases. However as I am not a lesbian and am not attracted to either women or men dressed as women, I would have no option but to seek a divorce immediately.

He says he feels the sane and is still the sane person when I try to discuss my feelings. He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.

He's gaslighting you. He's manipulating you to accept him as a "woman" (ha!) so he can have an easy life.

You have every right to no longer want to have sex with him, or do anything for him. And you are allowed to have an opinion on his current life choices - he's the one breaking marriage vows & the contract between you.

You need to start working again - if he wants to be a woman so much, he can take over the sexist division of labour that he's been fine with as a man ie you doing everything in the home for him. And him trying to manipulate you.

Get back to work, and let him do half the housework, if he wants to be a woman so much!

I'm sorry you are so sad - maybe it would help to get angry and take action? Regain some agency in your life, when he's tried to take your agency and ideas from you.

You can leave, and it doesn’t have to be a transphobic thing. You’re straight and you fell in love with a man. If that’s no longer who you’re married to, you don’t have to stay.

I imagine it’ll be hard for everyone, and it’s sad that your spouse didn’t realise who they wanted to be, or didn’t feel like they could safely be that person, until now where it now affects all of you. It sounds like you don’t love your spouse anymore anyway, so even if they did decide to keep living as a man, you wouldn’t have much of marriage left anyway?

@Ponderingwindow writes extremely good advice.

You have sacrificed your career/earning capacity as a SAHM, so at least half of all marital assets - including his pensions - is your due.

He is no longer your friend. Try really hard not remember this is the man you loved, this is the man to whom you entrusted your life & happiness. He is not that man any more.

Because this sort of man can't bear to have attention & care on anyone but HIM.

Narcissists and emotionally manipulative, if not also abusive and coercive.